new years

31 December 2007

so another year passes us by. i thought we'd be celebrating a lot differently this year. it's strange to have pictured an event and see it happen so differently. instead of celebrating with an infant, we're celebrating with another pregnancy...and i thought i'd get to enjoy a few glass of champagne this year!

i think we're taking it slow tonight. steve's been fighting a cold the past few days so i think we're just hitting up some dinner with friends and then probably bringing in the new year at home watching dick clark. if we can stay up that late. yeah, we're lame.

happy new year every one. be safe and enjoy. hope to see ya all in the leap year.


i haven't been the best eater in this pregnancy. with Jorai, i was structured. i ate specific meals and made sure i got in enough fruit and veggies. every day i made sure of this.

i wish i was more determined to be healthy in this pregnancy. i don't know if it's the fear of losing this child too that keeps me from being a food nazi as i once was or what. i'm still taking care of myself, don't get me wrong, but i didn't eat any veggies yesterday until dinner when i realized it and downed some. as the day passes i have to think about how much water i've had and veggies and protein. it seems as if my diet this pregnancy has consisted of grains and cheese. i need to be more structured in my meal patterns. and exercise too. i just feel such a lack of motivation.

on the bright side, i've started to feel movement. little flips and swirls throughout the day. it's a nice feeling. it comforts me and reminds me of the joy steve and i use to have when we would feel Jorai. i can't wait until he starts to feel this new child. i think it's starting to hit him that i'm actually pregnant again. i'm showing a lot more and we're finishing up the nursery. i see him more excited and than brings me joy. i'm 17 weeks today. 3 weeks until our ultrasound. it seems as if the time is starting to speed up a bit. that's a nice change!

i've had 3 friends deliver in this month. crazy!

smila sol

27 December 2007

we just bought this at ikea for the nursery. it's a fixture for the ceiling light. i can't wait to install it. i'll post pictures when done.

we went on a huge ikea shopping spree on Christmas eve...which surprisingly was an amazing time to go. the place was deserted as far as ikea crowds go. it was amazing! anyway we bought new light fixtures for the entire house. hopefully steve and i won't electrocute ourselves as we try to install them!

bum genius clearance

**mood:good...a bit sleepy
**noise: my stomach

bum genius pocket diapers have come out with their 3rd version. which makes their second version on sale! although it looks like they've made some nice additions to the new version, the old ones are 3 bucks off! so i'm letting anyone who's interested in knowing, know...i know that both tree city diapers and jillians drawers have them on sale...some places don't! if you're interested, go check them out.

one cool thing about the new version, is that they come with both a newbie and the original insert. so that's cool. here's the version 3 site on jillian's drawers site...and here's the version 2 (on sale).


the quiet

26 December 2007

as much as i love Christmas and spending time with family, i'm glad it's all over. the past 3 1/2 days have been non-stop talking and family time, and i have to admit that it's amazingly refreshing to sit here in my nice quiet house and just be. it was a blast being with family and it went surprisingly well. though the quiet peacefulness of our home is welcoming and the fact that i get to sleep with my husband again, rather than being in separate twin beds, is nice.

it's good to be home.

and the bonus...2 of my friends have delivered within the past week! yea!!


17 December 2007

lost is retuning!!! for all you losties out there, abc has finally come out with the new date and time. thursdays 9pm. it's replacing greys...which i hear will be switching to wednesdays at 10. so yea! lost is coming back on january 31st!

party at the newmans for all who want to see the new season in.

now supposedly they only have 8 of the 16 episodes written and filmed. so lets hope there's a settlement to the writers strike!

but the question is... why is charlie in the ad?


have you ever been in a conversation with a group of people when someone close blurts out a comment that makes you cringe? and it not only makes you cringe but you can see the shock in other people's faces as well. as if they're thinking, did he just say what i think he said? and there's no way to cover the comment up. it's just there. lingering for all to hear. for all to know the truth.

that happened to me this weekend. i wish i could go into more detail, because it may resonate with some of you, but i can't. all i can say is that death brings the best out of some people and the worst out of others. i always thought that if i went through something super tragic, there would be certain people who would be there. this summer, i learned that what you think doesn't always happen. steve and i were amazed by the amount of support we got and continue to get from friends. but it was strange to see the people we thought would be there, weren't.

this weekend i was reminded of how distorted my view of certain people are. how i thought they were this amazing supportive, always by your side kind of person, but instead would choose a going on a trip instead of supporting someone they love though a very difficult time.

i guess it's a reminder to never put someone on a pedestal and never, never hold expectations...people are people and we all deal with hard situation differently. some choose to be amazingly supportive and loving and well, there. while others choose to leave or laugh or joke or ignore.


i've still only gained a pound...which just feels strange to me, because my belly has popped out and looks huge, and by this point in my last pregnancy i think i had gained about 7 pounds and i feel like i've gained weight...but the scale only shows 1 pound difference...strange...

but even though my weight gain has been slow, my hunger has been ravenous. what is it with a pregnant women's hunger that she can be satiated one moment, only to be ravenous the next?

i left
work to run an errand today around 11am. when i left, i was the point that the thought of food made me gag. about 20 minutes later, i was so ravenous that i felt nauseous. i needed food. i was close to taco bell, which is silly since i brought my lunch, but i had to eat at that second. so i ordered. when i got my nacho supreme, i couldn't get the lid off and got so frustrated that i about threw it against the wall so it would pop open. i was that hungry. don't worry, i got the top off just in time...

i can't describe the hunger when you're pregnant. it's just completely insatiable. it's ridiculous...

rent visit

16 December 2007

the visit with the rents went well. since this summer, we've been more's amazing how tragedy brings some people closer and some it pushes further away. the surprise went well. my mom was so excited to have wassail. the creme brulee was yummy but a bit grainy. i'm not sure why. it was a quick recipe to make so i think that it may have lost a little umph, but all in all, it was good.

we woke to a winter wonderland. it's gorgeous! we spent all morning just talking and enjoying each others company. it went well, which surprised me...but i'm not complaining! it's strange though, because they're leaving again on tuesday. i feel like they're hardly around before they take off again. they're gone now until late april...and then they're only back until the end of july before they leave again. i know my mom is starting to feel like she's away too much, but i sense that my father would love to be gone even longer. it's a strange feeling to know that my folks will be so far removed from our children. i think they should enjoy life to the fullest and do the things they love, but it's strange having them so far removed from our lives in a way. it's nice in an other way too...not as much guilt trips...but i will miss them. they're usually only around for 5 months out of the year. and that's split into 2 small trips back home. one in early summer and one in late fall.

maybe i'm just feeling melancholy a bit. with the loss of Jorai
this summer, i want to keep my family closer i guess. this pregnancy, although beautiful and wonderful, has had it's times of scariness and anxiety...i just wish i could have my family closer as i walk down this path filled with anticipation.

rent surprise

14 December 2007

my rents are coming up for a last visit before their trek down to arizona for the winter. as a holiday tradition, on Christmas eve, my mom always made wassail and after church we would all sit around a table of cookies and wassail and just, talk. this year she didn't make as a gift to them, i made it. i also made a Christmas grand marnier creme brulee... i hope it turns out...i've never made creme brulee before. but it looks yummy!

so yeah...i get to surprise them tomorrow night after church...which will be fun...i'm bringing them to times.

kick counter

13 December 2007

once you reach 26 weeks, you're suppose to count your babies kicks (movements). i didn't know this. not that it would have helped in Jorai's situation, but would have been nice if my dr. talked to me about it...and since he didn't, i feel the need to tell all of you. if you're pregnant or know someone who's pregnant, please read.

by 26 weeks, you should be feeling 10 baby movements in 2 hours. all babies are different, and some don't move this much, but the important thing is to keep track of it and if you notice a decrease in movement, call your dr. or go to the ER. it's better to be more cautious.

of course you can mentally keep track of movements, write them down on a piece of paper...or you can buy's pretty cool...check it out. and remember, keep track of those movements past 26 weeks. please. plus a portion of the proceeds from the sales will be donated back to the MISS Foundation in support of advocacy programs and education.

stats and legislation


i've been thinking about posting this for a while now, and i didn't want to, because of all my pregnant friends out there. but i think it's important to post.

michigan is one of many states that don't issue a birth certificate for a stillborn child. in my opinion there are 2 major problems with this.

1. it dehumanizes your child. it says that you never had a child. what's the difference between a child who takes 1 breath out of your body and a child that never takes a breath? aren't they both children?

2. because a birth certificate is not issued, the child never existed in the view of medical studies. 21 states issue birth certificates for stillborns. therefore all the other stillbirths in the states that don't offer birth certificates, do not get placed in medical studies. there are around 30,000 stillbirths in the US every year. that rate is 3 times the SIDS rate, yet most of the births are not placed in studies. how can we learn how to prevent stillborn births, if they aren't studied?

here are some stats;

  1. stillbirth is the unintentional death of an unborn baby who has passed 20 completed gestational weeks as defined by the NICHD. These are not early losses or miscarriages. Rather these are the births of dead babies;
  2. between 25,000-30,000 babies are stillborn in the U.S. each year, one in 100 pregnancies. Most occur at or near full term to otherwise apparently healthy babies;
  3. approximately 40% of stillbirths occur with no diagnosable cause of death.
  4. there is a bill that is being proposed to states that don't currently issue certificates of birth that can establish a law to provide a “Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth” as an optional document for families.
  5. other countries including the United Kingdom, Australia, and Ireland already issue certificates of birth for stillborn babies.
  6. the bill has been passed in 15 U.S. states, and legislation is currently pending in more than five states.
  7. michigan is not one of these states.
  8. a baby born at 19 weeks gestation, pre-viability, but who takes one breath is issued a Certificate of Live Birth and is counted in infant mortality rates.
  9. conversely, a baby born at 40 weeks gestation and past viability can die just one second prior to birth, will only receive a death certificate, and is not counted in infant mortality statistics.
for more information please visit the
MISS foundation website

medical professionals


what is it with medical professionals losing their ability to relate to the general public? i see it all the time. i work with medical professionals. they're always using medical terms to people who don't understand medical terms or when medical terms aren't warranted. does it make them feel more important, or have they lost the ability to relate on a human level?

last week at the doctors office, i was talking to the nurse about my fear of taking drugs/vaccinations. i was telling her that i wanted to talk to the dr. about the necessity of getting the flu shot, because although i think it could be important, after losing our child, i'm afraid to take anything. she looks at me and says 'so you want to ask the dr. how important it is to get the flu shot because after your fetal demise, you're afraid to take medications.'.

'fetal demise'

i believe that steve and i had a child. a beautiful child. she may have come still into this world, but she was still a child. our child. i don't consider our child, our Jorai, a 'fetal demise'. and i have to say that i was severely disgusted with her comment. as if Jorai was a condition i had at one time, not a child.

why do most medical professionals go there? why do they depersonalize your life? when she said those 2 words, i was so taken aback that i didn't say anything. but i'm going to mention something to my dr. the next time i have an appointment. they need to realize how that comes across. especially to someone who has lost a child. whether they were lost in utero, right after birth, or at age 20...that child is still a child to the parents. they aren't a medical condition. Jorai wasn't a fetal demise. she was a child, a daughter and now a sister. she was loved and wanted and is mourned. she is a part of her father and i. don't disregard that.

i'm a complete nutter

12 December 2007

this afternoon i went Christmas/kim shopping. while in targ. i went looking for the new harry potter dvd. i saw the order of the phoenix and thought, why are they re-releasing old h.p. dvds? i looked and looked but couldn't find the deathly i went to meijer, again, they had the order of the phoenix, but no deathly would have thought that after 2 stores, i would have been clued in...but no. so i came home and searched h.p. dvds...and then it hit me...they're only on the 5 book dvd release. oye! i knew that, but in my nutty brain, it just didn't register. i kept looking for the last book...not the latest movie. so now, i have to go back to targ. i seriously have problems. seriously. i frighten myself.

i have issues

10 December 2007

i like grocery shopping with my husband. he really doesn't like to go all that much...but i love it when he does. my problem is that he likes tortilla chips. i like chips too, but to keep them out of my house and thus my mouth, i avoid the chip aisle. i can handle tortilla chips in my home because i'm not a huge fan, but it's the other chips, the greasy ones that have flavors. the really bad ones. i love them. when they're in the house, that's all i eat.

steve went shopping with me last night. he also went down the chip aisle. since i was pushing the cart, i followed him. i came home with cheddar cheese pringles. they're almost gone. in 24 hours they're almost gone. this is why i avoid the chip aisle.

due dates


i have friends who got pregnant while i was in my 4h and 5th month who are almost ready to deliver. although i'm happy for them, at times i feel like a 5 year old that wants to scream 'but, it's not fair!'.

it's just so strange to have so many dreams and plans wrapped around something one moment only to have to
let go of them, the next. and to look into the future to now see other people celebrating their babies birth as you can only look back to remember what you've lost. i mean, i'm hopeful to deliver this baby, but it's so different this time around. i'm excited but i'm also just waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. so the first thing i think of, is my loss not my gain. maybe it's because it's still so raw and fresh too. i don't know.

it's just hard to see all these women deliver healthy, screaming babies and remember that my baby girl came so silent. i'm truly excited for my friends, but their joy, tugs a bit at my heart.

tv junkie

i've been getting into the amazing race this year. i usually don't watch it because it seems like the couples are always yelling at and calling each other names. it's annoying. and yes, this year is no exception...but there is a bonus. there's a sweet goth couple in the race, kynt and vyxsin.they rarely argue, although it looks like they may have a argument in next weeks episode...and they're just so much fun to watch! plus, kynt calls vyxsin his cute little kitten. too funny!


08 December 2007

thanks for all your suggestions...we're switching to auto owners insurance. it'll save us $90/yr on homeowners insurance and $100/yr on car. that makes me a bit happier. what's silly though is spending $600/yr or plpd car insurance for 2 makes me want to go rogue and not have insurance.


i've noticed in the past week or so that i can't do the things i've been getting use to again these past 6 months. like bend over normal, or sit on the ground doing crafts. now if i sit too long on the floor, my back kills and the whole bending over thing is surprising since my belly isn't huge yet, but it's just big enough that it makes it difficult to bend over. i have to spread my legs apart when sitting, so my belly has a crevice to fall into. if i forget, i feel this really strange pressure and twinge that reminds me that i have a growing child within me.

my pants are getting tight and my shirts/sweaters don't fit. all my preggo clothes were springy/summery i went out yesterday and got a few shirts. i'd love to find a sweater that doesn't make me look like a tent. i need some luck with that one!

i went to refill my asthma medication the other day and found that they won't refill it because the insurance company wants me to try a steroidal inhaler before covering singular. my predictions is that singular is expensive, and since insurance companies only care about money, they don't want to prescribe it. the problem is that i've tried other drugs without they want a pregnant woman with asthma to go off her medication. that's doctors office is trying to work it out...we'll of wednesday, i'm out of asthma medication. this should be fun.

other than that, all is well. steve keeps being called into work. so that sucks. i hate him having to go in every hour for a silly paper jam. it's nice pay, but he has no time to relax during the weekend. i feel bad.

le bebe news

06 December 2007

i've made it into the second trimester! i've 'popped', i've never understood that expression, but i have and we had our 13 week appointment yesterday where we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. i can't begin to express how that sound made us feel. all i can say was that life has returned! it has been 6 months since we last heard those tiny beats and it was simply amazing. so, i just wanted to tell you that every thing looks good. the heart beat was strong and fast...which goes along with my girl prediction... our dr. kept the doppler honed right on the babe's heart for about 3 minutes. i think it was a wonderful sound for all 3 of us!

here's what the kiddo probably looks like...

call me crazy

04 December 2007


but i think i've been feeling the baby move all day. i know it's soon. i'm only 13 weeks so i'm about 2 weeks early than the 'typical' mother. but i feel the fluttering and kicks low in my belly...down 'there'...not really in my tummy or off to the side. and it keeps happening in the same spot.

it so wonderful to feel life within me again. the 2 days i carried Jorai, where she was lifeless, was a feeling i can't describe to anyone. it was simply death. to feel life within me again, brings me a joy i'll never get tired of.

call for help

who do you use for your auto and house insurance company? i think we may be paying way too much...


my so called life

03 December 2007

the year after i graduated a new show aired called my so called life. this show may just possibly be the first show that made sense to me. being just out of high school i completely related to the characters and i could see myself in the main character, angela. the show only aired for 19 episodes. a major disappointment. it touched on subjects that no other show really touched on. things like child abuse, homophobia, teenage alcoholism and drug abuse, homelessness, adultery, school violence, and censorship. it was one of those shows that meant something. i've been wanting to get my hands of the series for a while now, but ultimately keep forgetting about it.

today, during my lunch, i didn't want to deal with the weather, so i decided to see what i could watch on abc. as i was scrolling through the shows, i was dumbfounded to see my so called life in the mix. i'm now wondering if it has to do with the writers strike. maybe they want other shows to feed through the internet. but i don't care what the reason is. my so called life is available. right now it's just the pilot, but it was so cool to catch it again. such a great show!


02 December 2007


i was able to hold a 9 day old baby last night. i can't begin to explain the joy that was. i mean, i've held other babies before i lost Jorai, but none of them made me feel this way. i got to hold an other baby earlier in my pregnancy as well, but i think because tomorrow i hit my second trimester and some of my worries are gone, holding that baby made me realize that there is a huge possibility that in 6 months, steve and i'll be holding our 1 week old child. looking down at that little miracle, feeling her weight and warmth, helped me to realize that it's still possible for us.

when that baby was placed in my arms, a spark ran through me. later, as i tried to sit and listen to the message at riv, my mind was rushing with excitement and wonder of what may lay ahead of us in a few short months. i was excited. an excitement that didn't have dread attached to it. just pure life. and breath. and warmth and weight. i could have held that child for hours.

last night in my dreams, i had another dream that steve and i had a baby girl. this time she had blond hair, but it was still curly and long. ohhh and teeth. too funny. it may had something to do with a little girl in church last night. she reminded me of what Jorai may have looked like, but she had this fine curly blond hair.

baby sex predictions as of this afternoon...i think it's a girl...a little selah mae??? or will it be a boy? a little asa or asher paul?

my bets are on a girl today.

car talk

01 December 2007

the other day, steve and i were talking about buying an xb, they're hard to find used and we definitely want a used one, the older model gets a lot better gas mileage plus the new model blacks out the 2 rear windows making a huge blind spot. plus i think the new style is we want an older one. since i've been excited about the possibility of getting a newer car, i've been looking around and have noticed, they're few and far between. i guess people really like them because they're hard to find. because of this i think i've talked steve into starting our search, because by the time we actually find the right car, we may already have a child...

any we were having this discussion, steve asked, 'well, which one of us will be driving the xb?'. i said that i just assumed since i'd have the kid, that i'd be driving the newer car for the most part...but i quickly added in there 'but i guess i just assumed that...we could always share the xb...' his response was 'oh'...when i asked what his thoughts were he said 'ya know, i just don't think i'm ready to drive your car.'

there ya have it husband is too manly for my car. i think i'm going to have to razz him about this for awhile.

i love japan

30 November 2007

this looks hilarious. i want to play!

belly news

29 November 2007

it's official. my tummy has arrived. last night my jeans felt a bit tight and then this morning my tummy felt tight. it feels like it use to. it feels like i have a water filled balloon under my layer of chunk. and i can see the roundness protruding a bit. after my shower as i was looking in the mirror, i could see the roundness of baby newman.

what a cool feeling to see that again. to feel it. when i delivered Jorai i felt so empty. my arms as well as my tummy. this morning is the first time that i believe that there really is a baby growing within me again. i can feel the baby. i can feel my uterus growing. this feels really beautiful.

i'm happy.


28 November 2007

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i keep seeing babies and thinking that's what Jorai would look like or that's how big she'd be...i keep going back there. walking down that road that doesn't seem to end. i look at her picture and am still numb in a way. it still seems like a very real dream. i still can't wrap my mind around all we gained and lost in 1 year. it makes me worry about this baby within me. i want to have a positive attitude. i want to be excited, but it's a nervous excitement. excitement one minute, pain the next. i worry about the future. the 20 week mark, the 28 week mark. will we lose this baby too? will i have to deliver another lifeless child? could i do that? i'm not sure i could go through this again. but i know every pregnancy is a blessing, no matter how long it lasts...but this is hard.

i have the babies book that i haven't even opened yet. 4 days from my 2nd trimester and i haven't documented 1 thing in this child's book. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i let my pen touch the page, i'll lose this child too. i know it sounds silly, but the fear is there.

i had tummy pains last night. i think there were just normal stomach pains...but of course my mind went there. to the hospital. to the blood. to the pain of holding a lifeless child. and of course every thing was fine. i'm fine. i think the babies fine. i'm just a basket case of worry.

i know the community i live in would say just pray on it, give it up to God...but what i don't think they understand is that i prayed on my last pregnancy, daily. i prayed for her safety and health and development. and, well, that didn't work. and i'm not saying that to say that i don't have faith anymore or that i'm not praying. i'm praying like crazy. but it's hard to trust God to bring my baby into this world screaming, when my last birth was so hauntingly silent with the exception of my husbands tears. that's the thing i remember. steve's tears. man that kills me to remember and type down. but there it is. i fear that. i fear seeing my husband cut the umbilical cord of our child as tear run down his cheeks. that cord, that use to supply our baby with life, but failed. the tears that just keep falling.

i pray that the 2 other women i know who have gone through a loss this year and are now pregnant, have beautiful outcomes. i pray that their babies come into this world screaming and crying and healthy. i pray that for our baby. and for the other mother who lost her child this year, i pray that she is blessed with another pregnancy. i pray that all of our fears can be lessened. i pray that we can fully enjoy our pregnancies instead of being so worried about each pain. which there are a lot of in pregnancy. and i pray for all my pregnant friends who are currently pregnant too. there sure are a lot of them!

a loss like this sucks. it's something i know i'll carry around with me each day. and that's hard. i want to use this loss to help others. i want people to remember Jorai. i want to remember her in the light rather than the cold hospital room. i want her name to shine and want her memory to mean some thing. i want this pregnancy to go well. i want steve and i to have boisterous kids that know their older sister, and know that she was one amazing girl. i pray for all these things.


26 November 2007

i think it's brilliant when people find my blog while searching for 'porn' or 'phoenix rising porn'...which what exactly is phoenix rising porn? that one kinda scares me. most of the people who find me randomly searched netti pot...which is funny since i blogged about them to see porn pop up on my keyword analysis of who's visiting my site, gives me warm fuzzies.

i wonder what people think when they hit my site when they're trying to find porn? i know i would be disappointed and quickly go about my search...but what if people just read...would they stop searching for porn that day? if they read a post specifically about my stance on porn, would it make them think?

starting a sexual purity ministry at church scares me. it's a place i never wanted to go to...i would talk to people about my past...steve's past...i may even post about it...but to help a group of people? never thought i'd be the one. i'm excited about it. i hope God uses us in whatever way He wants to. i hope He gives me a calm nature...because i don't want to blow it.

this whole thing is just cool. how God uses even the weakest. here i blog about being mad at God, pissed even. my faith has been tested the past 6 months. i feel it contiue to get tested daily. i'm not as close to Him as i used to be. i don't read His word as i should. i even yell at Him. but loving Him, believing in Him and trusting Him is so much more than my frustration and disillusionment. He still wants me even in spite of my failings. and more than that, He wants to use me. He uses me every day. with this ministry or the greeting ministry or my blog or even simply bumping into someone on the street, He uses me. He can use a creep like me. i like that. i find comfort in that. i like the fact that although i am nothing, God makes me something.

how cool is that?

turkey and trimmings

the past week and a half or so, i've been starving. it's such a strange feeling. most of my first trimester i had been exhausted and queasy, definitely not hungry! but now, it's a whole new ballgame. i'm hungry all the time. and of course, when we left my folks house this weekend, they loaded us up with food. i have been eating turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and green bean casserole since last thursday. it's ridiculous. i weighted myself last monday and saw that i had finally gained 1 pound. i was so excited...i'm nervous to get back on the scale tomorrow!

....ohh yeah...and to top it off
...steve made an ice-cream run for ice-cream sandwiches last night...i had envisioned the small rectangle slice of ice-cream with the thin chocolate cookie on each side...steve brought home thick chocolate cookies sandwiching a thick glob of the melting moments ones...i'm not complaining,they're super yummy...but of course it's just another calorie punch i can't seem to stay away from!

gotta go eat some more turkey and stuff

a quick warning

be careful when sending holiday packages this year. i had to go to frandor today. while i was there i saw that there is a ups store. i have a package to send my nephew for his birthday, so i thought since i'm already here, i'd send it from ups rather than the post office. i filled out the form and walked up to the attendant who told me it would be 10 bucks and some change to ship it to flagstaff. '10 bucks?!?, i said, is that the cheapest?' she said yes. so i simply said ok, i'll just go to the post office. her exact words were 'well, from what me screen says, priority mail is the same cost.'. i left, knowing she was feeding me a line.

i drove back into holt, went to the post office and low and was 7 bucks for priority. she lied to me. seeing that the gift was about $5...$7 shipping seemed silly, but what are ya going to do?

my advice...don't ship from the ups store in frandor...and other ups careful about. i don't like people lying to me. so i'm starting a ban on the store. freakin' ups. they suck.

1 down 11 more to go

25 November 2007

the first of my 11 pregnant friends delivered last friday. congratulations nicole and chaz and welcome sophia rose!!


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can you love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul yet still be angry with Him? i personally know 3 other couples who have lost their babies this year. 3 amazing, God fearing couples. 4 of us have lost our first born. as the holidays begin, i feel the sadness of these families. 3 of us are pregnant again. one has just started to try. we have hopes of becoming parents to living children. we have hopes of hearing cries fill our houses and laughter fill our hearts. we have hopes of kissing warm cheeks and feeling warm breath against our skin. yet as it's a hope filled with excitement and joy, it's also a hope filled with sorrow and tears for the children we've lost.

most days i've accepted our fate. the fate of loss. a loss that will always be there in the questions people ask. do you have children? how many children do you have? it will be there in my husbands face. some nights as i watch him sleep, i see Jorai in his facial outline. i see it in his avoidance of the nursery. i see it in my mothers tears and my mother in-laws tears. our loss surrounds us. our hopes have dwindled. new hopes have risen, yet our old hopes still lie there in the dark, collecting dust. most days i've accepted this.

but some days i can't. i know there are mothers and fathers this very day, this very second, who have just gotten the gut wrenching news. they too have joined the fate of those who have lost. they will have to grieve and try their hardest to drag themselves out of the pit. the pit that just keeps on crashing in. i know their pain. it's just been a mere 6 months since steve and i were thrown in. into the pit. dark, cold. i hate knowing that others have to go through what steve and i went through. it pisses me off. it makes me want to scream at God with all my might. WHY?

but then i feel guilt. i feel guilt because the anger i feel at God should be only love. He created Jorai. we may not have gotten to hold a warm child and feel her breath, hear her laugh. we may not have been able to see her grow or read her to sleep. we may never see her graduate or get married or live, but we did have her in our lives for a brief moment. for 7 months, she was our daughter. she was here. with us. in me. without God, we could have never known her. i could have never felt her within me. we could have never held her. without God, she would have never taught us about love and faith. she would have never taught me about, me.

i do love God with all of my heart. all of my mind. and all of my soul. but i have to admit, that there are times, that i am truly angry with Him. and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered a loss and to all those who will someday hear the devastating news.

new cookie

the new cookie was a success. they rocked, everyone liked them. try 'em out.


steve and i met with the women who will be our doulas during our pregnancy/birth. they rock. when we left, we were surprised to see that the car clock read 9:30. we had been there for 3 hours. wow. they were caring and open and we felt truly comfortable around them. one of them has gone through a loss. which sucks. i hate knowing other people have suffered as steve and i have. but it was nice to know that she knows. she knows my fears, my sadness, my hopes and my anxiety. her experiences where different than mine, but she knows the blackness of loss. it's comforting to be around other people who know and understand my darkness. i feel blessed to have met such wonderful women.

i've started taking some herbal remedies. i'm taking alfalfa for digestion issues and papaya enzyme for heartburn. i've also started drinking a bit of red raspberry leaf tea which is suppose to help tone your uterus. although i do continue to pray for clarity on anything i put into my mouth. i feel a bit more comfortable taking natural remedies and i have to say the the papaya enzyme is amazing. it totally wipes out my heartburn, but both papaya enzyme and red raspberry leaf tea is said to cause uterine contractions. in fact when i googled papaya enzyme, i'd say nearly 50% of the sites said to avoid it because it could cause uterine contractions and miscarriage...the other 50% said to take it. i started taking it sparingly. i have a hard time understanding how papaya could cause miscarriage but pepcid ac, tums, rolaids...and all the other drugs dr's hand out are, i'm going with my gut and through prayer. i know tons of folks take both and had beautiful i'm giving them a whirl.

our thanksgiving-Christmas spectacular seemed to be a success. it can always be hard for steve and i to be around my family, but it went well. my nephew is getting huge. i hadn't seen him since before we lost Jorai. he's almost talking and he's running all over the place. he's cool and super happy. it's funny. it felt strange having Christmas the day after thanksgiving, but we were all together, minus my brother from arizona and his fam...but they don't come up any longer. bummer.

well, i think that's it. other than to ask for prayer. this week is a hectic week for me. our girls ministry is starting on thursday. please pray that we are in line with Christ's plan for this ministry and to be open to His guidance. we also have our welcome team appreciation gathering, which is long over due and i'm super stoked about. please just pray that all goes smoothly. thanks...

new cookie

20 November 2007

i love to bake. during the holidays, i usually make a shortbread cookie, peanut butter fudge, nut brittle, grand marnier chocolate orange cookie and whatever else sounds yummy at the time...for this weekends thanksgiving-Christmas extravaganza jamboree festival i'm making these...
for the recipe click here ~ orange-dark chocolate sandwich cookie

confusion and nervousness after a loss


i'm scared of every thing when it comes to this baby. i have all the typical pregnancy symptoms...constipation, headaches, heartburn...and then i have asthma and anxiety like crazy. there are drugs i could take. there are herbs i could take. some say the drugs could cause complications, some say the herbs can cause complications. so which do you choose.

i've always leaned towards the natural side of things, but the naturals haven't been tested in pregnancy like the drugs have...i found a heartburn tea this morning...but it contains marshmallow root...a herb that has had contraindications...but to what extent? if i have a cup a day would it be ok? would it be better than a heartburn drug?

i want proof. which is better. i'm tired of opinions, i need proof. i can't be blase about the health of this child when i've already lost a child. every thing is so confusing. i know a lot of people who take raspberry leaf and it's probably safe, although i've seen studies where they have found that it may cause uterine contractions. so who's right? who do i believe?

you would think that with something like pregnancy, that's been around since, well,
almost forever..people would know and there would be proof, that this list is ok, this list is not. where is that list? and if something is bad for pregnancy, why are companies allowed to continue to make such products and promote them to pregnant moms? i'm just so confused. and i don't like being a basket case.

i don't understand people

19 November 2007

today someone walked up to me and said 'i liked your old hair.' this was the first time she had seen me with my new, shorter do. 'i liked your old hair.' what does that mean? why not just walk up to me and say, 'wow, kim. that hair style looks like crap!' i just don't get people. it's ok if you don't like some one's new hair style. you don't have to make a comment. didn't your momma ever teach you that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all? it wasn't a big deal. i wasn't hurt, i was just shocked. i like my hair and that's what was just such a silly comment.


steve called me...when he was at the speedway in front of lowes getting soda for fight club tonight, someone hit his car and took off. crunched the bumper and now it's all loose i guess. i still haven't seen it. but again, what with people? how do you just slam into some one's car and take off? i just don't understand.

mongolian barbecue

17 November 2007

steve and i met my brother at bd's mongolian bbq for an indoor tailgate this afternoon. i love that place. it's a bit on the pricey side for my standard, so we don't go there too much...but i do enjoy it. i only get the 1 bowl thing, but i still always over's the tortillas they give you. i can't stop. so now, i'm sitting here in pain. i hate the feeling of over eating. ugh. i have to remember this feeling the next time i get the urge to eat there.

steve's at the maybe i'll just sleep the pain off...

lessons learned

16 November 2007

when you're pregnant and hungry, don't walk through the food aisle in target. i went in to get a birthday present and hair care products...i left with a hannah montana jewelry box, moose, hair spray...and... mozzarella sticks and chocolate covered cookies. oye.

sweet love story

14 November 2007

this love story was on oprah today..needless to say, i was bawling at the end...

When he was 12, Herman Rosenblat and his family were taken from their home in Poland and sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany. Young Herman was forced to work shoveling bodies into a crematorium. All the while he did not know if he, too, would soon be killed.

One day two years later, Herman walked up to the barbed wire fence and saw a girl on the other side. "She says, 'What are you doing in there?'" Herman says. "I said to her, 'Can you give me something to eat?' And she took an apple out of her jacket."

The girl fed Herman an apple every day for seven months. Then one day he told her not to come back—he was being moved to another camp. "A tear came down her eyes," Herman says. "And as I turned around and went back I started to cry, too. I started to cry knowing that I might not see her again."

Herman was shipped to Czechoslovakia. Just two hours before he was scheduled to die in the gas chambers there, Russian troops liberated the camp and Herman was set free.

Almost 15 years later, Herman was living and working in New York City. A friend set him up on a blind date with a woman named Roma Radzika. Herman says he was immediately drawn to her. When they began talking about their lives, Roma asked Herman where he was during World War II. "I said, 'In a concentration camp,'" he says. "And then she says, 'I came to a camp and I met a boy there and I gave him some apples and I sent them over the fence.'

"And suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I said to her, 'There was a boy? Was he tall?' And she said, 'Yes.' I said, 'And one day he told you not to come around anymore because he's leaving?' And she says, 'Yes.' I said, 'That boy was me.'

Roma and her family had moved from Poland to Germany, using forged papers to hide that they were Jewish. They lived on a farm next to Herman's camp, posing as Christians to avoid being captured. Roma says when she brought apples and bread for Herman, he used to say, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Well, what can I tell you? I proposed right then and there," Herman says. "I said, 'Look, I'll never let you go anymore. … Now that we're free we're going to be together forever.'"

so my boss changed my hours at work again yesterday. i'll be working every monday and tuesday now...which will be nice to have 2 'solid' days rather than switching them up every week, but the crummy part is that they are both late days. one day i'll work till 5:30...the other until 6:30...and the 6:30 day is in hastings so i won't even get home until 7:30.

but the thing that's frustrating, is that they're still coming to me every week asking me to switch around my hours. as if they think that all i do is sit around the house doing nothing. it's frustrating. i don't understand how a company can think that they can change your work days every week and toy around with your schedule whenever they want. it's incredibly frustrating. and what's more frustrating...they never ask. my boss didn't come to me to ask me if i could change my work days to monday and tuesday. i was just told. plain and simple.

i'm counting my days there. not that i don't like it. i love my job. but i hate knowing that my boss has doesn't care about me, my life or my plans. i feel like i'm a toy in her way to the top and it really makes me realize how important it is for managers to care about their employees rather than simply use them and toss them to the curb when their done.

if there are any managers out there reading...please care for your employees. if you treat them well, they will treat you well. you'll be amazed how much more productive and loyal they'll be to someone who treats them as you would like to be treated.

homeless mi mom gives birth to triplets


i just heard on the radio that there was a women in michigan who gave birth to triplets. she's homeless. homeless. she has nothing to support these babies. people from all over are helping this women out. it's cool to see people actually helping someone. but if i'm being completely honest, i have to admit that this story pulls at my heart. it pulls at my faith. it makes me think of Jorai. i know it's wrong to question God, for we don't know all His plans, yet there is still this nagging question of why. why take my baby away when we can provide very well for her, yet give someone 3 babies who can only walk the street. she has no home. the babies are already sick...who knows what their nutrition is and what their future will be. how can something like this happen. why does God take a financially secure, emotionally secure, healthy, loving and faithful couple's baby away, yet give someone who can't afford, clothes, housing, name it, 3 babies.

this baffles me. and although i am happy to see the people in michigan reach out to this single, homeless mom. in all honesty, it brings me pain to know that my God took our daughter away and give this women 3 that she cannot support, feed or shelter. i know i shouldn't think this way, and it actually has been awhile since i have, but i have to say that this story really cut deep.

a november Christmas

12 November 2007

we're celebrating Christmas with my family the day after thanksgiving. it was actually my rents are out of town until the 3rd weekend of december and that weekend my niece will be up at her biological dad's...then both steve and i and my brother and his family will be at the in-laws on Christmas weekend...and then my folks take off for this was the next best thing.

but it feels so strange. i don't mind celebrating on a different day, but a part of me doesn't feel the 'Christmas spirit'. but then i think, exactly what is the Christmas spirit? although i try to focus on Christ and make sure that He is the center of my Christmas, i have to admit that i like the commercial hoopla involved around the holidays as well. i mean, i don't like all the commercialism...but i like the lights and sounds and smells. i like the vibration in the crowds. i like that hum of excitement and family time and yummy food and drink and the smells of sweets baking and evergreen. it excites me. it gets me in the mood. it's Christmas.

my family had many Christmas traditions. i loved them all. we always went to the early service on Christmas eve. we dressed up and took pictures before we left. the service we went to was filled with singing and candles and motion singers (yeah, my brothers and i always made fun of them, it was the yearly joke...wondering if they would perform the same thing). the service was the same thing every year. it was pretty ridiculous...but we liked it. we came home to eat sweets that my mom and grandma had made and drink wassail. we just talked and laughed and enjoyed each other. the 3 kids read a book. always the same. jeff read the night before Christmas. aaron read..Christmas in the forest and i, the youngest read o what a very special night. after, we'd lay out our stockings and go to bed. this went on though my college years. it was pretty ridiculous. but it was tradition and we always loved it.

the next morning we'd wake. we would get to go through our stockings...we still do stockings! and then my mom would make breakfast. always the same. sounds gross...but it's a norwegian sweet bread and it rocks, fried eggs, sausage links, orange juice, coffee and of course kadota figs. every year the same. Christmas dinner changes now. some years it's turkey...last year it was a dungeness crab and seafood feast. but yeah. that's our Christmas in big rapids. every year the same. still...except the book reading thing...there had to be an end to that at sometime!

this year though. the day after thanksgiving. there's been no time to get me in the mood. and with the summer as we had it, it flew by. i can't even believe it's almost thanksgiving let alone time for us to celebrate Christmas. it just feels so strange. i mean, we'll be together and that's what's important. but it just feels so strange. i want to get in the mood. i want to start baking..but that's the last thing i need right now...i want to get a tree...but the time Christmas rolls around it would be a mess...i need to find inspiration. i think i may sit down and read Luke. get back to the heart of Christmas.

'ventless' gas fireplace

we need help with our fireplace. it's ventless. it was installed incorrectly a year ago, so we've never been able to properly use it. and now i really want to. and i want to feel comfortable in using it. we've tried to get someone over to see it, but it's all been without luck. either people think we don't know what were talking about, or don't believe us...i don't know. but we need someone to come fix it and make sure it's properly installed. does anyone know someone who can help? does anyone know someone with gas fireplace experience? we bought the thing on-line, which we now know was a mistake. we should have paid top dollar and went through a fireplace store, so they could have installed it. lessons learned..

but if anyone knows someone...please email or call me. we need help.

a fortune tellers prediction

11 November 2007

i had another super crazy, all night, vivid pregnancy dream last night. i've been having them most nights, but last night amongst a whole slew of drama i won't get into, i met a fortune reader. she told me that my husband and i were going to have twins.

when i told steve about it today he thought i said that i pulled some random ladies finger and she told me i was having twins...which would have made an even crazier dream!

but yeah...twins...i'm thinking that's not going to happen this time around. but i think it would be kinda cool. kinda scary...but kinda cool. i think i would have gained weight by now if i were having twins though...and only one baby was seen at my ultrasound...although the nurse did say that twins are easy to miss at this stage. guess we'll see in the near future just how truthful pregnancy dreams...
and fortune tellers are...

steve and i are meeting with a doula on the 20th. my friends have said that it may be a good thing for us to have one at our birth. they may be able to relieve some of our anxieties and relax us. stephanie found one that offers free services to women who have gone through a loss like mine. what an amazing service. how beautiful. i'm not sure what having a doula actually entails...and i originally just wanted it to be steve and i at the birth...but i think this is a good thing. i can't wait to meet them.

so i'll be 10 weeks on monday. i past the 8 week milestone. so that's cool. i guess miscarriages decrease after the 8th week...of course it could still happen...but it's a milestone. so that's cool. also, the baby is no longer an embryo! we've now got a little fetus within me. so cool.

i'm feeling ok. still exhausted and a bit of nausea...heartburn and asthma...but it's a lot better than a few weeks ago. so that's good. i have another dr. appointment on nurse that's cool. hopefully within the next 2-3 weeks, i'l be able to hear the heartbeat. i'm excited about that.

so any way...just a quick note to say that all is well. i still haven't gained any weight...which is strange. i had already gained by this time with Jorai, but i know the baby is healthy and strong, so i'm not too worried. and i'm not complaining that i can still fit in all my clothes!

thanks for all your prayers!!! please keep them coming.


07 November 2007

i'm craving a super naughty ooey-gooey sticky cinnamon bun...with icing...oye
i found this site while looking for a nice picture....a great baking blog for all my baking friends out there. super yummy!!

i have a quandary. mozilla keeps freezing on my mac. i've deleted it and re-installed it...but it still happens. when i use safari, there's a lot of functions that aren't google docs and certain functions of blogspot...and gtalk doesn't work...which i don't use often, but it's nice.

so i don't know what to do. i've been using safari, but i continually have to switch to mozilla. in fact today i was on the eriv site praying for people and i wanted to send a quick prayer message...that doesn't work on safari either. oye...any suggestions from the mac folks out there?

posting spree

06 November 2007

i never knew there were so many to choose from...check out these off the cuff shirts...yeah, i'd probably never sport one...but thinking of them make me feel better!!










houlihan's in the lansing mall
$5 apps
1/2 off house cocktails, draft beer & house wine
steve and i'll be there if any one's interested in joining us...i promise not to be as snarky as my last post suggests i am!


i'm thinking of making some new tee-shirts...what do you think?


or last, the nastier version...

seriously, what's up with people walking up to me with a big smile, looking at my belly and telling me how big my belly is getting or that i've 'popped'. i haven't even gained 1 pound...depending on the day, i've lost weight, but i haven't gained any. and don't you realize that i had a baby 5 months ago...and for the past 2 i've been pregnant? so i only had 3 months to 'get my body back in shape'. oye! i'm sorry i'm going off on all of you, but sometimes i just need to get it off my chest, and if nothing else, maybe you'll learn how better to approach a pregnant woman. ok so...

1. the belly is off limit. unless you're super close or ask...the belly is off limit. it's best not to even ask. i don't come up to you and rub your belly. it's uncomfortable. unless we're good friends, don't try it.

2. weight is a touchy subject with women...and although it's nice to get a few comments when you're obviously pregnant, it sucks when your not. if someone you know is newly pregnant, don't comment on her weight/belly. wait until her tummy actually does 'pop' out. and even then, say nice things like, 'you look so cute'...or other positive comments, not 'wow! you're getting huge!' that's plain rude. again, i wouldn't come up to you and say 'wow! your bloody huge mate!'.

that's all i got today. thanks for listening...and please, respect the pregnant woman. she's dealing with a lot. and she's got lots of hormones pumping through her. if you're not nice, ya may just get more than you bargained for!

documentary night

this saturday, after the 6ish service, we're hosting another round of documentary night. saturdays feature is the devil came on horseback

the devil comes on horseback tells the story of genocide in Darfur through the eyes of Brian Steidle, a former U.S. Marine who lands a job—through Craigslist—as an unarmed military observer taking photographs for the African Union in Darfur. Stark footage of decimated villages and the smoldering remains of people—including children—burned alive make The Devil Came on Horseback a harrowing film to watch. Steidle's reactions to the genocide are compressed into a compelling, beautifully photographed hour-and-a-half film that captures the Sudan's natural beauty as well as its turmoil.
we'd love to have ya come...let me know.