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Showing posts from 2010

Sweet Asher memory

Sweet baby boy, your expression today as you sat pounding the drums while the girls ran upstairs to get away from the noise, was excruciatingly beautiful. As you sat there with a huge pout on your face, sad-sad puppy dog eyes and your hands pressed against each side of your bowed head, I realized just how much you love your music and want to share it with everyone.

You were so devastated that you couldn't even bring yourself to walk back upstairs, you wanted me to hug you and carry you up the stairs. You kept asking why your friends left and wanted them to come back down to play drums. You just couldn't understand how drums could ever be too loud.

Oh sweet boy of mine, I love you so! Please never lose your love of music and the need to share it with everyone!

potty boy

Asher, I just wanted to post about how proud I am of you! We've been experimenting with the potty now for a few months. You like to climb on and 'toot' and then clap your hands, but it wasn't until last few weeks where you really started going.

At first, it was hit or miss. We weren't really trying full time, but occasionally we would put you on the potty, pour warm water on your dangly bits, per your request, and you'd go. Some times you would just sit there and push as hard as you could getting redder and redder n the face! That was funny. I always had to look down so you wouldn't see me laugh! But then Saturday hit and you went all by yourself...and then Sunday, all day you went with only 1 accident, which you felt the wet and then held it until the potty...since then, you've been dry! Both yesterday and today you even called out to me from a different room 'POTTY MAMA!!!!' and ran to the potty, pulled your pants down and went!

I kn…

sweet baby cookin' boy

I've secretly, or maybe not so secretly, been putting you in the corner. I've tried not getting attached to the thought of you. I've tried to love you at a distance, as well as I can, since you're inside of me. I feel you move and hiccup, I see you wiggle and squint during ultrasounds, and I should be jumping up and down with excitement, but there's a part of me that pushes that feeling away.

But I want you to know. I love you. More than I want to admit. More than I want to let on. I'm scared. I'm petrified. Every. Single. Moment. I want you here. I want you in my arms, but I'm so afraid of how you'll come...how you'll be in my arms. Will you be a wiggly, warm, screaming little boy? Or will you be cold? Still? Pale? Blue?

Sweet baby boy, I've realized that I only have to wait 8 more weeks...give or take a day or two. 8 more weeks. You're nearly 32 weeks old...gestationally. You're low, really low. In my hips low...n…

Asher update

I feel as if I've slacked in the Asher update department so here's another installment.
You seem to get crazier and crazier every day! You crack me up and scare the daylights out of me each moment!!You are still rocking the drum but have also fallen in love with the guitar. You're a natural and the moment you picked it up you knew how to hold it and strum and even rock star it out!You also love to play the recorder which you call your 'horn' and march around the house with your big green foam MSU finger. You'll also just hold onto the recorder so you can 'sing' the MSU fight song. You go around and around and around the living room wall, marching like the marching band. You often ask Mama or Papa to accompany you. Sometimes you kick your legs up high like the drum major does. It's great to watch!
You're talking ton, so I won't list your words, but I do have some great Asher translations that I can never forget about...seat=dick. yup.…

Why, why, why?

I really, truly try my hardest not to get pissed off at God, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. I need someone to blame. I need someone to scream at and hit and be mad at. And I don't know who else to take this up with. I know He gives and I know He takes away and we're suppose to be OK with that, but some times I'm not. Whatever that makes me, I'm OK with...because I don't think being OK with babies dying is OK. The whole process of it. The baby's death, the family's anguish, the fear, the darkness and guilt that comes next...I just don't get it.

My friend found out today that her baby had passed. She was in her second trimester, not that is really matters. Not an early loss...not a late loss...but a loss. A devastating loss. After a previous loss.

My heart aches for her and this journey that she's about to embark on. Walking through the darkness, trying to find the light and yet even when you find it, you push it away because it pi…

'Final' resting place

I've always hated those words. Final? Really? I don't know...and I've always hated urn's. The ones a normal person can afford look like tombs and the kid ones are usually boxes with angels or fairies or butterflies or worse, teddy bears on them. I just don't get it. The cool ones, ones that are art, fused or blown glass, artfully carved boxes...they all run upwards of $1000 +. All for about 2 tablespoons of ash.

There's a part of me that aches to have something nice. I mean, it's for my daughters. What does money matter? But then I think $1000? For that? Really? My child just died and your going to make that much money for that? It urks me.

A few months after Jorai passed, I found a proper container for her ashes. I actually found it at a normal store and I believe it's just a little decorative storage box. But it's pretty and red and shiny and it fits in with it's surroundings. It doesn't have huge arrows pointing to it say…

transluence

When I started this blog, I had very little followers. I used it to vent and laugh and post about things I found brilliant and funny and things I believed in. As the years went on, more people found me and started following my posts. Posts about little things, funny postings and work woes, my best friend turned into love and then a wedding and a pregnancy...and then we lost Jorai and the people who followed my blog exploded. As with probably any community, the babyloss community is a huge one, but at the same time, a super small one. And in just a few weeks, people from all over the world started to follow my loss journey.

I've always felt so blessed to have so many caring people follow my ramblings. I can feel their love and laughter, pain and sorrow through their comments. I feel a real connection to people and it's a wonderful thing. I can honestly say that I have friends out there whom I've never met physically.

I'm 100% translucent in my writings, in my em…

29 weeks

Well, we made it. 29 weeks. It's far from over and my anxiety is still high, but we made it past 3 of the 4 high stillbirth weeks. 32 is next and the 'last' scary week...and well...I actually know tons of babies who were born still at term...some even over 40 weeks. So, I know with that knowledge, that I'll be a bundle of nerves until I hear a scream and feel a warm, slimy baby placed on my chest. But there's something about making it trough the 24th week and now the 28th week that's a bit refreshing.

Yesterday Steve's Aunt gave us gifts for the new baby. They are the first we've received. I've purchased a giraffe that makes noise and I have a muslin sleeper that I purchased for Selah, but other than that, I have refused to purchase anything. There's something about receiving these gifts for the new baby that makes it all so real. I sat upstairs today playing with the crib piano and feeling the new stuffed owls and giraffe...reading the…

cutest lil' monkey in the world

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How many kids do you have?

Today as I was getting entirely too many donuts for one person and my pregger belly was hanging low, the cashier asked me how far along I was. After I told her, she asked if this was my first and I simply said 'no, it's my fourth.'. Her only comment was 'Holy crap!'. I of course chuckled and waddled away.

As I was leaving the store, I realized that she thought I had 3, nearly 4 living children residing in my house. And the mere thought of it, made me so filled with joy that I could explode. Maybe even filled with pride. I do have 4 children, though some aren't here on earth. But in her eyes, I'm the one with 4 kids...here...with me and Steve...laughing and loving and learning and wow...laughing.... I like that.

We never wanted 4 children. Our goal was to always only have 2. And hopefully we'll have that under our roof come February, be really, we truly have 4. And see, usually when I'm asked if this is my first pregnancy and I say 'no…

Behavioral changes

What do you do when you have a child who is acting like nice kiddo one moment and as soon as a friend comes into the room, he acts like a complete neanderthal? I don't get it. I don't understand how the mere presence of one child can change the behavior of mine so drastically that we can go from a fun filled morning to a complete breakdown and have to leave the situation. What do you do if it's a good friend? What do you do if it's a good kid? How can you change the behavior of a 2 1/2 year old when he sees a different behavior being exhibited by another? And what is acceptable and what isn't?

It's so bizarre to see how his temperament and actions have changed over the course of the past month or so. Everyone see's it. It's gentler and calmer and plays nicely for the most part...so to see his behavior change from the nice boy I've molded over the past few weeks to crazy toddler boy all within 5 minutes of a friend walking in, is so discourag…

baby boy update

I had another ultrasound this morning and everything looks great. He's big. He's measuring about a week older than he actually is. Which because I know when we conceived, I know he's just a big boy...have you seen his brother lately!?!...so that means 1 thing, he getting a ton of blood and nutrients! That is a good thing. The cord must be big and open and so he's nice and healthy. It's reassuring.

In saying that, I'm still a basket-case. I've been using my doppler all the time. This kiddo is an active mover, but then out of nowhere, he will turn quiet. Moving here and there minimally. It freaks me out. I'm checking for movement and blood hourly and I worry about Asher pressing too hard on my belly. I just can't wait for February.

I've been kinda frustrated with the perinatologist I saw a few months back. He told me something completely different that what he told my doc. He told me that at 24 weeks I'll start having weekly bio-p…

emotional rollercoaster

I'm having one of those days where my anger is getting the best of me. It's been an emotional few days. I've been really worrying about the baby. He's normally a mover and shaker but for the past few days he's been pretty quiet. I've been checking his heartbeat and everything seems to be hard and steady , but I still worry.

So maybe it's my heightened emotions that are allowing my anger to peak, I don't know...maybe it's just a frustrating day. I just know that Asher's disobedience has been very trying for me today.

He's really been testing me. I tell him to stop and he runs. I tell him to stop doing something and he continues to do it. I ask him to come and he runs the other way. Today it was away from the car and through a parking lot. I know part of it is that he has friends who are runners. They'll just take off. No amount of yelling will bring them back. And he's just emulating them. I used to be able to yell '…

girl talk

This is your warning boys...


My boobs are huge. And I'm not saying that just to put it out there, but it makes me wonder...I wasn't this big with Selah. And unfortunately I can't remember when I was pregnant with Asher what they were like and even if I did, they were different back then...pre-nursing boobs...oh how I miss you! But I do know that there's a major difference between Selah and this new babe. Which makes me think. Could my 'problem' be a hormonal one? Or maybe something else? Now, when we lost Jorai, my milk did come in. Majorly. It was horrible. But when I lost Selah it never came in...and Asher had even started nursing again. But for the past month, my breasts already feel full of milk. They're heavy and I've grown out of my bras.

I guess it could be the weight gain. I've gained weight over the past 6 weeks...more than I probably should...so it could be that. But they're warm and heavy too. It just makes me think. I w…

Oh my dear boy

Why is it so fun to remove your pants and diaper? Why is it so fun to feel the cool breeze on your boyhood and stick you booty up in the air for all to see your goods? Don't you know that diapers are placed on you for a reason?Asher loves to remove his pants and diaper. Luckily, he's never removed a dirty one, just ones soaked with urine. But I know one day I'll walk up to his room and there will be poo smeared all over. This is not something I'm looking forward to...at...all!

Today as I was waiting for him to calm himself and settle down for his nap, I casually looked over at his video monitor (and this is another reason why I love it so!) only to find his booty stuck straight up in the air. He normally only takes off his diaper after his nap, so this is a new trick to get me back up in his room. The stinker! And it's not like I can ignore it. I really don't want to clean up poo and/or urine from this carpet and bed. I have to go back up there. Oh m…

juicy

I just wanted to document this some where. Today Asher and I started Juice Plus+. We eat pretty well, but I know we're both lacking in the veggie department and I'm lacking a bit on fruit. And with all of my pregnancies and nursing for 2+ years, I know my body is depleted, so I wanted to try it. I currently take a prenatal vitamin, DEHA and Vit. D and I'm going to continue taking them, but I wanted to add this to my regimen as well. I think I'm going to keep Asher on his multi and definitely on his DHA and vit D.

So, I'll keep you posted on our health and energy...not that Asher needs any more energy!, but I'll document our journey. I want to keep us on them for at least 6 months after giving birth...so about 1 year, and then I'll re-assess. But I'm excited about starting this new journey...and as I say this, I've just gobbled up a whole bunch of chocolate/chocolate Trader Joe's O's! I have issues!!

update on me

I haven't been posting lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm tired...maybe it's because I feel as if I'm complaining too much. I don't know. I just know it's been awhile. I keep thinking of logging on and letting all these thoughts leave me head, but I never do.

I think it's time for an update.

Asher is hilarious and is changing daily. He's a lover and a bit violent in his loving moments at the same time. But we've been working together and watching how others act around him and it's been amazing how much he's changed. I think when you pay attention, real close attention and find a discipline that works for your kid, amazing things happen. He can still be a stinker, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, he's really turned himself around.

He's talking a ton more now and stringing words together. It's been fun talking with him, though his favorite word lately has been 'why?'...he says …

22 weeks

In a few days, the baby hits 22 weeks. I've been feeling strange lately and it scares me. I'm hopeful. Hopeful! Having a potential name picked out and dreaming of holding a wiggly baby is seriously making me believe that this may truly happen. Which of course scares me. I know that things can go wrong. I know I could lose this child. I know all the bad stuff...but again, my hope has been over riding the fear. Strange.

It's a wonderful, yet petrifying feeling. But I'm going to run with it. Here's to a healthy baby boy. Oh, and the name...we're thinking seriously about Judah.

Dinner ideas

I used to love cooking and baking. I loved creating new and exciting and healthy meals for me and then for Steve. I loved trying new recipes and planning a night full of yummy food...I would bring leftovers to work for my lunch, I would bake yummy breads and cakes and cookies. But then Asher came into our lives and though my fondness of preparing meals still lingers, the energy and drive to do it is much lacking.

I know I've talk about this before, but I need to change. I need to get my act together. I feel as if I'm a huge failure in the dinner department. My husband rocks. Seriously rocks. And could honestly care less if all nights are FFY nights (fend for yourself nights). But I want to honor him with healthy, yummy meals. I want our child(ren) to have yummy family meals as I did growing up...minus the fish soup, liver and cornbread and beans...sorry mom! I want us to sit around a table and eat a meal that I cooked. Not something I've thrown together at th…

trust

I had a huge slap in the face moment at Riv tonight as Noel gave a message on worry. I'm actually not a huge worrier...with the exception of 1 thing...death. Not my own. But Asher's and this new little boy growing within me. I think I have good reason, but I also know that if I trusted God, my worry would be easier to deal with. Or at least I would know that I could always go to Him with my worry.

But what finally came crashing in on me was this...I don't trust God anymore. I mean, I trust that His plan for my life and for Steve's life and for my children's lives, will come to fruition. I trust that. His will, will be done. What I don't trust is that I'll get the outcome that I want. In fact, I feel as if there's nothing I can do, to get the outcome I want. And normally it wouldn't be a problem. It's not a job I want, or a bigger house, or a puppy. It's not money or power or a dream to come true. If it were...then I'd be …

Sweet boy, you're going to be the death of me!

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Oh, my dear son. I love you so. You bring my such joy and laughter, such pride and love. But there's one more thing you bring me...closer to my death bed each and every day! My goodness child! You are a crazy, wild man who looks at fate and laughs! You're a dare devil. You like all things dangerous and the word fear has never entered your mind. You run and jump and dive and fall into anything. You are trusting of both yourself and others to always protect you. You freak me out!

This summer I witnessed you several times, jump from the top of your 3-foot toddler slide, and fall into a belly flop into your pool. I've watched you learn to ride a bike with training wheels...and keep up with a 3 1/2 year old! I've watched you want to climb a tree already (thanks papa for entertaining him and placing him high up in the branches so now he wants to do it on every tree!). I've seen you leap a good 2 feet in the air on the deep end of the pool, sink under the wa…

sweet baby punkin' buns

OK, so I don't have a nickname for this little guy growing within me...if I'm being completely honest, I haven't even started his pregnancy book, which I've had for all 21 weeks of pregnancy. But I need to do both.

I'm thinking stink for a nickname, but I want to wait for a little longer. Why stink? Because he's a stinker. He likes to lay low, all stealth like, freaking me out the entire time...but the minute I pull out the doppler and place it against my skin, he kicks or punches or headbutts it off. I barely even press down and he goes crazy. Little stink. He'll also go crazy if Asher sits on my lap. But most days, all day, I barely feel him. Which I know is normal. I'm only 21 weeks...but it still freaks me out like nothing else. Which is why it's such a lovely thing that I purchased that stinkin' doppler. I love that thing! I know it may make some a bit more anxious, but for me, it was worth every penny spent.

I keep getting as…

Día de los Inocentes

This year, we are celebrating a new family tradition. Día de los Inocentes or The Day of the Innocents. It's the first day, which there are 3, of The Day of the Dead. It begins on November 1st. We'll be celebrating Day of the Dead as well on November 2nd.

I never knew much about the holiday itself, other than it was from Mexico and involved a lot of sweets and skulls. Growing up in a small, very white, farming community, we didn't learn many things out of our own 'culture'. But come to find out, it's a super sweet Mexican holiday that focuses on gathering family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have passed.

Last year, a friend of mine asked if she and her family could include Jorai in their Day of the Dead celebrations and it was then, that I really learned what it is. And I thought, how brilliant! Not only do we have another opportunity to remember and share our daughters lives with our son(s), but we'll have oppor…

trust

I wish I could trust like I used to. I wish I could have faith like I used to. Before we lost our daughters, I felt as if my faith was unshakable. As if nothing could rock the trust I had. And then June 3rd, 2007 came...and I was rocked...not to the core...but still rocked. My faith came crashing in. My faith hit a road block. But after the initial crushing pain dissipated a bit, I realized that maybe, just maybe losing Jorai happened for a reason. Maybe there is something positive that could shine through this darkness. And for awhile, my trust didn't seem to be so distant. My faith, I realized was still standing.

But then came Selah and once again, I was rocked to the core...though this time I felt different. I felt a darkness I've never felt before. I felt it to my core. I felt torn. Ripped actually. Ripped from my faith. Ripped from my trust. Though I know Truth and Love...I know it stands waiting for me to return, I just can't seem to trust it.

I wis…

Just sitting here, at the end of my rope.

Today has been one of those mornings. A morning where you're embarrassed that you're a mom to a child like yours and the mere thought of that, makes you sick and ungrateful as well.

I have loving and tolerant friends. I know they love me and put up with my child, but I'm afraid that a day is coming where no one will want to play with us anymore. And that saddens me. I would totally understand it. But it saddens me.

Asher is a loving, good kid. I love him dearly and madly. But at times he can be an aggressive bully who pushes, pinches, bites and hits. We've tried all kinds of discipline. We've tried calmly talking to him, time-outs, punishing him back, yelling at him...nothing helps. We've started instituting a new rule where if he fights over a toy, uses it as a weapon or throws it, he loses it for the day. Which seems to be working...but what do you do when it only involves him being violent to another child? We're going to start giving him 1 w…

Angels

I've never gotten the whole angel thing when someone dies. I've heard it all. Supposedly, I have two angels in Heaven...watching over me...protecting me...waiting for me. Especially when babies or children die, they are immediately changed from a child, to an angel.

Don't people really know what angels are? Have we, as a society forgotten that angels aren't pretty little cherubs with wispy wings that hover above clouds or sleep upon flowers? They're not the cute, tiny pastel colored little angels that flood Hallmark stores. They're strong and bad-ass. They're so overpowering that they bring fear in people and talk with direct orders from God. Most times, when an angel is mentioned in the bible, people freak out. They don't look at the angel and want to hug it. They freak out and fall to the ground. In one of the most famous angel encounters, one we hear every Christmas...in Luke 2:9-10 it reads "And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood …

The stillbirth roller-coaster

As I was sitting in church last night I worried about my baby. I'm in this phase where I can feel movements at times but not at others. It's normally little flutters and bumps but never anything large. No big movements or jabs to really put my mind at ease. So though I know this is all normal and that there may be hours if not days where I don't feel anything, it still freaks me out. It makes me want to run to the hospital which in itself is silly since this lull in movement is expected and if the baby did pass, there's nothing they can do...but still...

So I sat there, trying to listen to the message, but not being able to. My fear kept me only thinking about death. But then, as fast as the dread hit me, it lifted and within seconds my fear was gone and replaced with the knowledge that in a few short months, we will be bringing home another child, another son. There was no question in my heart. We will be bringing home a child.

This roller-coaster of emotions…

the baby's bedroom

I started cleaning out the baby's bedroom this morning. It's been the dumping ground for just abut everything...but mainly pregger clothes and stuff Asher has already grown out of. It was clean as of December '09. And then we lost Selah. We lost the hope that she would occupy the room, so I started using it was a dumping ground.

I had mixed emotions about cleaning it. I kept thinking about when I cleaned out the room for Selah...and then that made me feel as if I'm tempting fate...starting the downward spiral that's inevitably going to hit us. Another part of me got a little gitty. I started thinking about refinishing the dresser, choosing the pictures I would hang, and deciding what to do with the guest bed. Then I thought about starting to bring up some of the newborn clothes and necessities...but then my mind went dark again.
I found the box of little girl clothes and the clothes my mom gave me from when I was an infant. All pink and knitted, dresses a…

Baby brother

We had our appointment with Dr. Notsonice today. We started with the ultrasound that was suppose to check for downs and other chromosomal abnormalities. As I already knew. I'm too far along to check. But we were able to see the baby, we were able to see the heartbeat and the hands and feet and PENIS!!! Yup, we're having another boy. It seems so strange to know the sex. It doesn't seem right. I was so happy to hear that Asher was going to have a little brother. It's so cool...but I have to admit that there's also a small part of me that wanted a girl. But having 2 boys...there's something cool about that.

The second part of the exam was the consultation with Dr. Notsonice. I was bracing myself for it. I had all my comebacks ready...I walked in knowing that I was going to be pissed off in a few moments. The kicker? The appointment went really well. Seriously well. And Dr. Notsonice, was kinda nice. Really.

He tried to talk me into getting the qua…

what to say?

I never knew that the subject of children could ever be so bittersweet...

'Is that your first?'

'How many children do you have?'

'How old are they?'

'I bet you hope the child you're carrying is a girl since you already have a boy!'
If I don't answer honestly, I feel as if I'm dragging my girls names' through the mud...as if I'm not honoring them...I'm ignoring them. But if I answer these questions honestly, I get the look...the apologies...and I also know that I've just made the questioner extremely uncomfortable.

My answer? Usually, I tell the story. An abbreviated one. "This is our fourth child", "we have a son at home and two daughters in heaven"...depending on the situation I may go into our story a bit, or it may end there.

Tonight in the Lowes parking lot, we ran into a very nice couple who was waiting patiently for us to load Asher into the car, so they could get into theirs. The conversation starts…

sensitive subject...

I've been going 'round and 'round in my head of whether to post on this subject or not as it's kinda one of those areas, people don't seem to talk about. But I've finally decided that I need the support and reassurance that what we're doing is 'right'...and ...well...since when have I not talked about something? right?

So today we'll be talking about testicles. Asher's right testicle to be exact.

The day after he was born, our doc informed us that his right testicle wasn't descended but that it's normal and that within the first year, most descend. We never thought much about it.

It still hasn't descended. Well, that's not true. It can descend, it just doesn't stay down. At his two year check up, our doc decided to send us to a pediatric urologist. We had that appointment on Monday. I got a strange vibe from the guy. He was quiet and not very friendly and he didn't interact with Asher at all...which is stran…

Pretty pusher hospital gown

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Look at how pretty this is!!!I think I'll just have to go buy one! Plus it looks so much more comfy than those ugly, scratchy light blue gowns you get in the hospital. And it's cheap! Yay! So excited.

Jesus in Shantytown

Discipline

I feel like I'm at a loss. Some days, I even feel as if I'm at the end of my rope. Some days are fine...but other days, I find myself angry at my darling child. I love Asher. He seriously is the coolest kid I know...though I know I'm biased. He's super smart, and witty, and spirited...so very spirited. He loves on people, all the time....all the time! He loves to give hugs and kisses so much that there are times I see him pinning down 7 year old friends to give kisses! He loves to snuggle and share his snacks and drinks, his laugh is infectious and he's super sweet to babies.

But there's this other side of him that can be discouraging. He's a brute. I don't think he means to be...but with his nearly 40 pound, 40" stature, he kinda just is. Last night was a perfect example. We were at the East Lansing Concert Series down at the fountain having a grand ol' time...singing...dancing...when all of a sudden, a little 12 month toddler came …

ignorance

I wish I could be ignorant. I think about it every day. How wonderful it would be to be a blissfully, ignorant pregnant woman. I wish I could be hopeful and gitty about every little thing. I wish I could go to appointments without fear of hearing the dreaded words 'this is the heart, and I'm sorry to tell you that it's not beating'. I wish I could take medications without a thought...without fear. I wish I could only think about the future...I wish I could start preparing the baby's room and start buying the baby things. I wish...

But I can't. Even as I type this, I look up to see the pictures of my babies...one dead...one living...another dead. The odds are stacked against me. The positive side of me says 'well, it's the order to now have another living child'...but I know the odds. I'm no longer ignorant to the hell that can come.

Here's a current dilemma. I have asthma. It's really only sports related...or is aggravated b…

baby 4.0

I'm trying really hard to be excited about this baby. Really hard. I feel like a horrible mom by protecting my heart like this. But I can't help myself.

I'm 11 weeks 3 days. Nearly out of the 1st trimester. 8 weeks away from the point where I'd have to deliver this child if we were to lose it. That is the scariest thing for me. I can't go back there. I can't do it again. Can I?

I had an ultrasound on July 8th. I was 10 weeks. We saw the heartbeat and the little bean. It was such a blob...a blob with little arm and leg buds. It was cool seeing our child at that stage, because I know the next time we see him, there will be legs and arms and fingers and a face.

I'm being sent to the perinatologist soon...not sure when. The local doc is a jerk, so it'll be interesting and I'm already preparing myself to walk out of his office...but hopefully it will go well and he can be professional and caring. He'll do a high resolution ultrasound and…

Nursing my boy

Well, it's been nearly an entire week since Asher nursed. It's a bit bittersweet...mostly nice and freeing..but a little sad. It's something we've shared for over 2 years now...minus the 6 week break we took between the time that I originally weaned him and when we lost Selah.

He's doing really well minus the few times where he saw others nursing. He still asks for it, but when I tell him no, he's fine. There's no fussing or crying, he just goes about his daily destruction. It's almost as if he's testing me to see if I'll give in and whip it out for him.

It just seems so strange...to be done. Really, truly done. I wonder, if I lose this new child I'm carrying...will I see if he wants to nurse again? I don't know. It gave us both the comfort we needed while grieving...but I don't know. I shouldn't even let my mind go there...but it does...for obvious reasons.

So yeah...for memory purposes, the last time I nursed my swee…