i feel a bit sad today. i should be happy, getting ready for our trip and knowing in 12 hours or so we'll be breathing in the air of seattle. cool and crisp air from the sound. i miss home.
the waiting is hard on me. the days between ovulation and the first day of my period. wanting to take a pregnancy test, but knowing it's too soon. doing daily body checks and evaluations to see if i feel or look different, maybe i can tell if i'm pregnant. i want a glass of wine, but if i'm pregnant, should i? so i don't. we want so badly to be pregnant. steve has a feeling i am, although he thought i was before we got pregnant with Jorai...and i wasn't. i think he's just so excited to be pregnant again. he wants so much to be a papa. i want him to be a papa. i love all of you dads out there who read my blog, but i honestly think he will be the best papa i know, if we're ever blessed. he is the most caring and patient man. even right after losing Jorai, he would still turns to me and tell me how he wants to raise our children. he's so sincere.
i'm afraid of how i'll feel if we're not pregnant. steve of course will be the strong one and sit patiently for Gods time. i on the other hand may get weepy and throw a temper tantrum. well, it won't get that bad! hopefully. it's been so hard losing Jorai. losing our dream of holding and kissing her. every day i go into her nursery and think of her. i want to give her a brother or sister. i want to feel the joys of pregnancy again. i want to feel life in my belly once more. i want to have hope that one day a nurse will place a wet screaming baby on my bare skin. i want to have hope that i can lose myself in their eyes and know that God created this living miracle for us to raise up in His ways, and until the day He brings one of us home, we'll be a family, here on earth.
i feel a bit sad today. i should be happy, getting ready for our trip and knowing in 12 hours or so we'll be breathing in the air of seattle. cool and crisp air from the sound. i miss home.
i'm finding a loss of hope in this world, so i decided to promote it.
webster defines hope as:
to cherish a desire with anticipationwhy do so many young people in this world lose their hope? did the current elders of our community, our nation, our world, once lose their hope too? and if so, looking at our youngers losing their hope, shows me that we're headed for the same outcome. becoming a bunch of settlers.
i saw a bumper sticker today that read
support your local revolution
i'm going to start a revolution to stop my friends from giving up. when did we all become a bunch of sissy's, that just lay down? why aren't we fighting for this world to become better? i'm tired of hearing people (present company included!) complain how crappy their situation or this nation is, yet do nothing to make it better.
- i have to keep hope that God will bless us with children.
- i have to have hope that my family will one day love one another for who they are and not judge them for what their not.
- i have to have hope that one day everyone in this nation will have free health care
- i have to have hope that one day we'll lay down our weapons and celebrate our differences.
and doesn't 1 corinthians 13:13 say
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
we're called to have hope. i hope that one day the youngers in our communities with hold tightly to their hope, their passion, their vision, of what this community and nation can be.
thanks...i'm now stepping off my pulpit.
we're leaving tomorrow night for washington. i haven't been back in almost 4 years. it will be good to get lost in the woods again, see old friends and breath in the mountain air. i probably won't be blogging. my folks do have a computer, but the connection is snail slow, but i will probably be checking my email on and off. as much as it will be wonderful being in the woods, it will feel strange not being on the computer...for the past 2 months, this has been my outlet. i'll actually have to start penning my thoughts rather than typing them!!
here's where we're going. it's a small town in the foothills of mt. rainier called packwood. my family has a cabin there.
the town...it's tiny and surrounded by national forest.
a cool waterfall near bypackwood lake
we'll be back on the 7th. until then, peace
this guy rocks...he's on that show americas got talent. i think they just need to hand him a recording deal...plus he seems like such a genuinly cool kat.
29 July 2007
James 3: 1-12my tongue has been a thorn in my side for many years. since accepting Christ, i have made a concerted effort to bite it, yet i am in constant war. when i'm angry, you'll know. when i believe in something, i feel the need to share. i've tried to tame my words. i do try to walk away now when i'm mad, to try and collect intelligent and caring ways to express my anger rather than hate filled smears. but until recently, i've continued to voice my opinions to anyone who will hear me. case in point, walmart. which if you click here, you'll see all of my posts on the issue...the first (last posted) being an apology for being a selfish hypocrite.
Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment. For we all stumble in many ways If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well. Now if we put the bits into the horses' mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things.
See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. For every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race. But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. Does a fountain send out from the same opening both fresh and bitter water? Can a fig tree, my brethren, produce olives, or a vine produce figs? Nor can salt water produce fresh. Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.
the past 8 weeks have completely changed my outlook on life. put things in perspective really. and seeing all of the me's out there in the world who open their mouth before thinking, watching them causing hurt and strife amongst community, is frustrating. i know where thy are. so immature in their thinking. thinking they know whats best for everyone. wanting only what's best really, but not choosing to walk the humbled road, and rather using their tongues as swords.
i know what it's like to 'know what's right', 'what's better'. but what i've always kept forgetting is that it might not be the better way for everyone, or rather maybe some don't have any other choice. and all i'm doing by shooting my mouth off is making them feel crappy. i've had many conversations about the walmart debate with friends i've pissed off or hurt. those conversations suck. because i was never trying to cause people to feel bad, i just wanted them to see that there's another way. but i now see how shooting my mouth off, does affect people because i am seeing other people shoot their mouths off.
we all have soapboxes we like to stand on. supporting this or that. but how is our bashing of, whatever we believe in, uniting one another? i have friends of all sorts. my friends consist of christains, non-christians, atheists, buddists...let's just stop the religion listing...we could be here awhile...hippies, conservatives, selfish, generous, rich, poor...i think my friends run the gamut. my friends and i have lots of beliefs, but what unites us is love. sure, there are other things...music, food, beliefs, beer, work...but what keeps us friends is the love. if i go to my christian friend and start spatting off that their beliefs are whacked, what kind of friend am i being? if i go off on my poor friend about shopping somewhere i don't agree with, how is that showing love? how will that unites us?
being human, i think the hardest thing to tame is our tongues, yet we've all been lashed out upon and know how badly it hurts. why is that? why do we have a deep seated determination to change people to see our way, follow our beliefs? why can't we look away from the things we don't agree upon within a friends life? if it's not hurting them, who are we to judge? and if we do feel the need to reach out, can't we find a way out of love to discuss the matter, rather than slashing as a sword.
i think we need to start reexamining our intentions. why would we feel such a burning desire to put something down in someones life? isn't it better to meet a friend where they're at, love them there and support them though their days, rather than criticizing them? can't we put our agendas down and swap them with love?
here's the picasa link.
the first is a pic steve took at kristas b-day party of her cousin, mathue and a super cool lawn game.
then we show the carnage of what happens when a tree falls towards your house. all in all, we were extremely lucky. the deck got a bit of a scratch and our wedding arbor is no more, but no house damage.
next are a few from our south haven venture with shanna, travis and barend.
the last few are from the newman family picnic when the kiddos decided to put on a play for us.
here's the slideshow
26 July 2007
i've gotten a lot of calls and concerns regarding my last post. thank you all for praying for us. i've gotten the ok from my husband to open up a bit more, so here it is. steve was just diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma. which i guess is the 'best' cancer to have. it's skin cancer. he's had a spot on his forehead for a while now and although he went to the doctor a few months ago, he was misdiagnosed. when the spot kept breaking open and bleeding, i was finally able to convince him, with his mothers help, to get it rechecked. they took a biopsy and it came back as basal cell carcinoma. there's no big treatment with the exception of cutting it out and then watching to make sure it doesn't come back. and he'll need to be a lot more careful in the sun from now on.
now that i know what's fully going on, i feel a bit more relieved, although i must admit when i first heard the word carcinoma...i thought my world was ending again.
anyway, thanks for being such awesome friends and thinking about us. i love you.
25 July 2007
please pray for us. we just found out that we have a scary health issue going on right now. we'd appreciate any prayers you can throw our way. sorry to be so vague...
i had my interview this morning. it went well. the position sounds really cool. i would be creating wellness programs for lcc. the pay stinks and it sounds like for the amount of work i'll be doing, it's really stinky. but it also sounds really cool. and i wouldn't have to drive or share my position with someone and get crap hours that switch every week. i also wouldn't have to deal with the union and all the crap that goes along with that. i'd miss my co-workers and my clients, but i think this may be a cool opportunity. i'd only be working 30 hours a week, which would be nice. i don't know...i hate making decisions like this.
we're leaving for washington on tuesday. i'm really looking forward to that. i haven't been there in 3 years. i won't be going back home to port angeles, but it will still be wonderful. we'll be able to just relax in the woods. listen to wildlife and gushing water. we'll be at the foothill of mt. rainier. i like looking up to the mountain and remembering how small i am in this world. it will be wonderful to be in nature and silence. it will be nice to reflect on all that's happened to us these past 6 1/2 weeks.
i still can't believe it's been over 6 weeks. one part feels as it's been months...maybe it's all the emotions. they take so much out me, maybe that's why it feels as if it's been longer. i would have had only 1 more month to go if i were still pregnant. i think of that often. if only Jorai was still with us, we'd be celebrating in a month. i'm afraid of that date. i'm afraid of what i'll feel like when august 25 hits. i'm still surprised of all we've lost. my entire life was wrapped up in that little girl. every facet. how do you redirect your entire life?
trying for another child is so exciting, yet so nerve racking. all i keep thinking about is what is we never get pregnant again? when i verbalize that, people always say, 'don't be silly, you'll get pregnant!'. they say that to make me feel better, but they honestly have no idea. i know i have to give this all up to God and patiently wait for His guidance, but it's so hard for me. this whole process has been life altering. i'm so joyful for all the lessons learned, yet i would do anything to never have stepped foot in this valley.
losing weight is ironic. i had my 6 week follow-up yesterday. i have lost 19 pounds since 2 days after having Jorai. 19 pounds! you would think that i would have noticed it. 19 pounds is huge. i know some of it was water weight ad such, but 19 pounds? i have a fake fat glob that represents 5 pounds of fat. it's pretty big. i lost 4 of those, yet i still can't squeeze my baby back and front into pants. i have been upstairs for an hour trying on my 'professional' clothes, hoping that something would fit for my interview on thursday. nothing fits.
i gained 20 pounds within 7 months of pregnancy. i've lost 19. how can i still not squeeze myself into anything? oye. as much as i don't want to, i think i need to run out and buy something. i find it cruel that i used to try to lose weight all the time before pregnancy and now after birth, i can lose 19 pounds in 6 weeks (i know, it wasn't healthy...don't yell) and still not squeeze into anything. i'm tired of wearing the same 2 skirts and 3 shirts.
in other news. everything was fine at the doctors. she is encouraging us to try to conceive again. i was put on a new vitamin with a side kick of DHA. so that's cool. everything with me looks good and the autopsy of the placenta and umbilical cord didn't find any thing that we didn't already know. there was a rupture in the cord. period. no explanation, which i guess is good. just a fluke. the placenta and the rest of the cord looked healthy. the doctor said the chances of this happening again is minimal. yet it is minimal in all pregnancies...so that doesn't ease my concern. but i can't let my anxiety rule my world. i have to trust that God will provide and give what He wants us to have and learn. we can't stop trying. and i can only pray that one day we will be blessed with a screaming, rambunctious child.
also, in a bizarre crazy moment yesterday, i ran into an old high school friend in the sal, whom i haven't seen in years. my heart dropped. well, maybe stopped. it was just so bizarre to have someone, that i use to be so close to, just reappear into my life out of the blue. i lost my thoughts. it was good seeing him. he's well. which is good. great actually. i worried he wouldn't be. lansing is such a big town yet it always amazes me who i run into out of the blue. although i lost my words, and forgot to tell him that i still have something of his that he asked me to keep safe back in '93, it was such a cool God moment to be reunited with a long lost friend and know, that even though i've seen him in misery, today he's healthy and clean and happy. super cool.
oh yeah, and a tree fell down towards our house yesterday. clipped the deck but missed the house. more to follow. but the trellis bench we were married under is now crumpled. fun times.
grief is such an interesting process. it's different for everyone and it's probably handled differently in each circumstance. some days i feel ok, some i feel like crap. some days i can go about my day and be enjoying the light when all of a sudden the darkness comes out of nowhere. lately, it's been the night. i can have a good day, exercise and keep myself busy all day but i never get tired. i go to bed, because it's late, and i don't like to go to bed without steve but i just lay there and think about Jorai. for hours i just think. i try to pray to be released from the anxiety, but it still haunts me. i deep breath to try to will myself to sleep, but it's still there. i try to remember the last time i felt her move, i rethink the entire day. i think about the call i made to the doctor and the drive into the hospital. how i knew we already lost our daughter. how all i wanted was to feel her move, but the movement never came. i think about laying on that exam table, waiting for the nurse and then the doctor to find Jorai's heartbeat. knowing it's never taken that long to find it before. and then the ultrasound and the dr. showing us that her heart wasn't beating. i remember the walk down the back hall to our room and feeling tortured by the news. i rethink the way the nurses prepared me and the wait we had to deliver. knowing that our child was inside of me, gone. i wanted her to be born. knowing she was gone, i needed her out. but at the same time, i knew that she would never be 'with' us, and if i delivered her, that would be it. i re-think the last time i looked in the mirror. i remember how i cherished seeing her inside of me one last time. i just stood there in that cold hospital room and stared in the mirror, taking her in. i re-think her birth and holding her. what she looked like. i regret not undressing her and taking in all of her. i regret not taking more pictures of her hands and feet. i regret so much.
this is my night. this is my sleep. i lay awake thinking of our daughter. wishing i could change the outcome but knowing i can't. i'll sleep for an hour or two but then i wake again, and then anxiety hits again and i start to rethink every thing.
i wonder when this will go away. i can't change anything, why am i re-thinking it. every thing is so vivid. as if i'm back there on that exam table, sobbing. watching as steve picked up the phone to call noel and seeing him break down. not being able to get the words out. everything is just so vivid.
i never want to forget Jorai. i always want her a living part of our household, but i also want to start moving on. i want to be able to sleep. i want to feel sleepy again. i want to think of her, but not rethink my every move. i want to remember her as a healthy, kicking baby, who flipped around within me, and stop seeing the the trickle of blood that feel from her nose. i just want to heal so much.
it has finally sunk in. i've learned that by carrying Jorai for those 7 months really puts me in a new ballgame. no one, who has not gone through losing a child, can fully understand this pain and loss. not even my loving and amazing husband. though he feels a loss that is horrible and consuming, he doesn't feel the little things that end up making this healing process so difficult.
in the beginning it was the obvious healing. the bleeding...that redness that in my mind brought me back to Jorai's birth and the trickle of blood that rolled out of her nose. each time i saw the blood coming out of me, i thought of the blood that came from her. then my milk coming in. the physical pain and the emotional pain. i was so looking forward to breast feeding. then it was the linea negra, the brown line from your navel to the nether regions that some pregnant women get. i still have mine. every time i see my naked body, i can still see the line that i couldn't wait to get. i'm not pregnant, yet i still have my pregnancy line. and then, my last glands of Montgomery is still holding on. i thought it would have sloughed off by now. and then the fact that i still can hardy fit into anything. i squeezed into a pair of jeans last night. that was exciting.
but now, it's other situations that slap me in the face. for instance, i love being around kids, but every now and then i'll see a little beatnik girl and remember Jorai. i think of all i've lost and that Jorai will never run around like that. it's painful. these situations come out of no where. last night i saw a pregnant woman. and usually i'm happy when i see a pregnant woman. but not last night. she looked to be my body shape. she was holding her child high, as i did Jorai and she looked to be at about 6-7 months along. she was sitting as if she was uncomfortable, she was leaning as i would when the pressure of Jorai would cause sciatica or heartburn. i couldn't stop staring at her. i couldn't stop wishing i was still pregnant with Jorai, as if wishing it would happen would make it come true. tears kept coming but i was in a crowd. i was surrounded. i had to keep them back. i would stare into the fire to concentrate about pushing the emotions back down. i wanted to get up and run away, but i couldn't. i kept trying to focus on the fire and hold conversations but she was just too close. i finally had to get up and walk away from her. i had to get her out of my sight. i couldn't look at her anymore. i couldn't bare it. it was the first time since i lost Jorai that all of those feelings re-emerged. and what sucked is that they came out of nowhere. it was a great night filled with great happenings and great friends. i was laughing and smiling and enjoying the night but then the sun went down and i just happened to glace to my right and that's all it took to send all these emotions back.
i realized last night that although fathers grieve the loss of their children just as much as mothers. there's something with carrying a child that adds so much more baggage. i just wish so much that these feelings of sorrow would subside. that they wouldn't hit me out of nowhere. that i could feel comfortable going to a party or simply out my front door without running into my sorrow, but i know that won't happen. i wish i could stop feeling the urge to cry. i wish i could be the happy nonchalant kim again, rather than the apprehensive, waiting for the next shoe to drop kim. this is just so hard. i want to enjoy life again. i want my husband to not have to worry about me anymore. i want my laughter to fill all the emptiness so when the sorrow comes i can recognize it, accept it and send it away rather than allowing it to take hold. i want to see a pregnant woman rub her belly and not long to be rubbing my own as i feel our child flip around inside me. how do i get over a loss like this?
i keep seeing all the healing that's happening around me and in me. i see the lessons being learned around me and in me. this brings me joy. knowing Jorai was taken for a reason brings me comfort. but what i'm having a hard time with is the constant pain and sorrow. the tears that come from nowhere. will there be an end to this struggle? i know my pain on earth is but a grain of sand when related to the joy i'll have in eternity with Jesus. i also know my pain is minimal when compared to that of the pain of a child soldier in africa or a martyred christian in asia. but it's still so raw. it's so draining. i want to learn from this pain. i want to be strong. yet at times i just feel so weak.
i'm trying to balance the excitement of getting pregnant with the unknown that God will throw our way. i'm trying to balance all of God's blessings and all of His teachings. i want to look at the day with excitement, but some days i wonder what He'll need me to go through next.
what if my excitement to become pregnant only ends in us not being able to conceive or worse, going through another loss like Jorai?
how do i keep myself level? how do i look at the day with hope and not apprehension? today was good...but right now i feel our loss. i miss our girl. it doesn't help that gracie by ben folds just came through the speakers. ouch.
if you find the answers i seek, send 'em my way.
i still look at people and wonder why they have been blessed with children, yet our child was taken away. i know i shouldn't do this. i know i shouldn't judge others parenting skills and the blessings they have, but i contiually find myself doing it. when i hear a mother call her 1 1/2 year old butt-head, i have a very hard time not turning around and telling her my thoughts. i was extremely close this afternoon. i almost yelled at a person in the parking lot. i wanted to say that she should feel blessed to have a child and that no child deserves to be called names especially by an inconsiderate and intolerable mother who brings her 1 1 2/2 year old child into a movie theater to watch a harry potter movie and then proceeds to call her child a butt-head because he wouldn't let her watch the movie.
first things first. the kid is 1 1/2 half! who knows a toddler who can sit through a 2 hour and 15 min flick...let alone a 30 minute movie.
second. it's a scary movie! who would allow their child to get that much stimulation let alone be in the form of something that could freak him out?
third. a butt-head? that's a great way to start degrading your child. what a great way to harm your child, start calling his names. stupid is a good one too. i mean while you're at it, let' s really screw with his self esteem.
why does God place these people in my path? there are so many amazing parents out there. why do i have to continually see the crap ones? especially now that i've lost Jorai. i just have no tolerance anymore. i think that's a huge reason why i'm dreading going back to my work. seeing all of the parents that come into my office. i don't know how i can keep my mouth shut. i don't want to judge them. we are all on different paths. we all have our demons. Jesus doesn't want me to judge. He wants me to love, especially the unlovable. but how can i? how can i look at such a wonderful child and hear his mother call him names without saying something?
Jesus, please give me the strength to discern whether i should turn my ear or speak the truth. and if i should speak the truth, please arm my words with love and not anger. the movie. (don't worry, i won't give specifics)
i'm a huge fan of the harry potter books. but i have to say the movies are really starting to disappoint me. the first 2 were brilliant but the following have been mediocre. brilliant effects and such yet they have to cut so much out of the books to make it fit into a measly 2 hour movie that i think they really suffer. the order of the phoenix was fun. it was entertaining but so much was left out. and harry and the gang...well let's just say that they should have been filming them quicker. harry is suppose to look young, but when i look at him, i see a handsome and buff bloke not some stringy kid. and it's not just harry. they're all getting so big. i feel like i'm watching adults pretending to play children. it's all a bit strange...and seeing we have 2 more to go. harry will be in his mid 20's by the time this is all done. oye!
it was entertaining, but i have to admit...a bit disappointing.
i think i'm going to go see if i can get in to see harry potter tomorrow morning at 11. i'm thinking that there may be a chance at lansing mall 6. so if there's anyone who wants to take a chance with me, give me a call. it will probably be sold out, but seeing it's lansing 6...there's always a chance that folks won't want to see it there...
bringing Jorai home was harder than i thought. to be honest, i've been meaning to call sparrow for the past 2 weeks. they were suppose to call us when she came in. it was only suppose to take 2-4 weeks. she was cremated on 7 june 07. sparrow must have had her for a while. i just couldn't make myself call. i wanted her home, yet i didn't. bringing her home was the last step. i knew she was gone. i new the only way she would come home would be in a box. my mind knew these things, but my heart just couldn't grasp it.
Jorai came home in a white plastic box and inside the while plastic box is a clear plastic bag tied with a twisty with a metal number dangling from it. her ashes are only a few tablespoons. i can't express to you what it's like to have held my baby girl and then to see her in that plastic bag.
she's sitting here in front of me, in this little plastic box. silence fills the room. no cries or coos or breathing. just silence.
last night i wept in her room. i felt the blanket my mom made for her that's draped over her mattress. i just sat there thinking about all that we lost. i think about her all day long. i guess because i feel the need to touch her again and since i can't, i have to be thinking of her. it's the only way i can keep her close right now.
i wish people could understand this pain. there are times i feel i should be strong enough not to feel this pain. i know there are some people who think i should be the old kim by now. believe me, i want that too! when i'm around people and start to cry, i try to keep it all in. i try to only let a few tears be shown. i don't want to make people uncomfortable. so i hold it in. last night the weekend feelings were purged. i cried the hardest i've cried in weeks. i feel stronger this morning. i prayed hard last night for deliverance. i prayed for restoration and recovery. it was the first time i prayed for recovery. i feel refreshed today.
and as hard as last night was, to see steve bring our baby girl home in a box. i'm glad she's home.
steve just called. 5 words spilled from him lips.
'i'm bringing Jorai home tonight.'
my heart sank and tears immediately filled my eyes. a lump in my throat grew.
i used to long for the first time we would bring Jorai home. to sleep with her and smell her. to listen to her breathe and kiss her skin. but not this way. i never thought we would bring our child home as ashes.
but i'm glad she's coming home. i've been waiting. i guess this is the final step though. she's really back with us and she's really gone. i have proof now. i have her ashes. she's really never going to come home alive. not that i thought that really...this just brings it into reality for me. i have to be ready when steve walks through that door. i have to be ready.
mommas been waiting for you baby girl.
friday was a busy one with getting ready to leave for a full weekend and meeting with my aunt for lunch. it was the first time we met since Jorai passed. so i had to rehash everything. which although that's hard, i've gotten to enjoy (in a way) retelling her story. it's all i have of her really. her story. i guess it's the one thing i can share with people. but it does take a lot out of me. then, friday night we went to steve's friends house. it was nice to spend some time with them. we had a nice dinner and then some time on the lake, but when their daughter asked if i was a mom, my response crushed me...the saturday morning post explains that...
saturday was fun. we went to a friends party. it was nice to spend time with them. they are the kind of friends that make friendships naturally fun. i feel refreshed around them. the party was nice. there were 3 kids running around and felt ok with that. but then steve and i were talking to someone about rings and he told them we were currently designing a ring. she instantly looked at me and asked 'for what?'. as soon as i opened my mouth to tell her, tears came. i felt silly. here we were at a party and i was crying. my biggest fear.
my sister in law's sister lost her child to trisomy 18 complications last fall. he was a few hours old. she once said that normal people have stress baskets that are half full, so when something comes at them, they can put it in their basket and go on, about their day...but when you have something drastic happen to you, your stress basket overflows, and when something comes at you, you get even more overwhelmed. i guess that's how i've been feeling. little things are so hard for me to cope with. small things set me off. little things make me cry. sometimes i'm ok one second and then crying the next.
but, after the cry fest at the party, we played guitar hero...i haven't laughed that hard in a while. it was nice to smile again. fun game...i recommend it. although it's crazy hard!
when we got back to the in-laws, i was exhausted. too much up and down. that night, i woke at 4am. this is getting regular. it happens about twice a week. i'll wake at 4 and rethink everything at the hospital. when we found out we had lost Jorai , the birth, holding her, seeing the trickle of blood fall from her tiny nose. man, that gets me every time. it's almost a panicky thing. like i could have done something. i think of the pregnant woman that stopped at our garage sale before we left for the hospital..i rethink the entire 2 days. i can't fall back to sleep. all i can do is think about it. i pray to be delivered from this, but it keeps coming.
that morning we got ready to go to the lake. i was on my last nerve and it didn't help that i got my period at the party on saturday (sorry boys..) but it's just another reminder of what i've lost. i knew i had the entire day left so i tried to take a deep breath and let life roll. and it was a pretty good day. i had my moments, but i also had a blast. we took the hobie cat out with 4 people. it was a blast. i've never gotten so wet on that thing. we got sopped. i was laughing the entire time. we got to share a picnic and i got to end my day with a sleeping baby on my chest for over an hour. i couldn't put him down. it felt so good. as soon as they put him in my arms he put his head on my chest and feel asleep. i could have held him for hours.
when we got home, we jumped in the shower and enjoyed a glass of wine and a movie. it's so nice to have the quiet again. being in this house, by myself, has been so healing. whether i need Jorai time with thinking about her, crying, sitting in her room...or God time in prayer or the word..or just me time, journaling or taking in the quiet of the day. it's really been healing. but i know i also need to get out in the world more. i need to be able to deal with the people that stress me. i need to get used to that again.
anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. ups and downs. i can't wait until i'm the even keel kim again.
here's the new do. you can't see the color very well...but ya get the point anyway. next up, new glasses and hitting the workout circuit. i want to be back to pre-baby weight before putting on more baby weight...oye...
this weekend was hard. i'll post later about that.
but in other news...i seem to have just landed an interview on july 25 for a position at lcc. it's part time work in employee wellness. sounds interesting. it's a significant pay cut, but a lot less mileage to work and it will get me out of my current poopy situation! and working at a college sounds cool. we'll see. i'll post more when i know more.
i was on a boat with some of steve's friends last night when a 5 year old asked me if i was a mom. after thinking about it, i said no. what do you say to a five year old. how do you tell her that yes, i am a mom, but my daughter isn't with us anymore? so i thought it would be easier to say no. as soon as the word 'no' hit my lips, i felt guilty. i felt like i was ignoring my child. like she never existed.
i've been crushed ever since.
i am a mother. to an amazing child i never met. God has used Jorai to teach me more that i thought was possible. i thank God for her and miss her every day. i am a momma. i just don't have my little girl her on earth with me. i want you all to know that.
06 July 2007
it's short folks. not too short...but about an inch or so above the shoulders...dyed a rusty red with chunky blonde highlights. it's different. i keep doing a double take in the mirror. i love it.
we're going to d-town this weekend to spend some time with friends and steve's folks. i'm worried a bit that it will be a bit too overwhelming for me. i hope it's not. i've been better with that. but this will be a whole weekend of interaction. i hope i can stay strong.
also, a friend asked me to be her friend on facebook...so i accepted and thought that would be it...well, it's not...so i guess i'm now on facebook...but with this blog and myspace, i probably won't spend a lot of time on it. i don't really even know what facebook is..guess i better go peak around.
have a wonderful weekend everyone. i'll be back on monday.
grief is such a strange journey. your up one minute, down the next, laughing then crying, you see the good in your loss but then you don't care about the good because all you want is your loss. it's a constant change. your emotions are all over the place. and i think it may be the worst with the death of a child after birth, because you have all the postpartum juices flowing and crashing all over the place, and then your grief emotions are lathered on top. i have so many hormones and emotions crashing around this tired old body. i truly feel sorry for my amazingly caring and wonderful husband. in a way i feel manic. joking around with him one minute but then hardly able to speak through my sobs the next.
and what's up with the grief process that makes you want change? is this typical or just me? after my breakdown yesterday i realized that i had to do something or i may punch a hole in the wall...and as i looked around the house, i realized that i needed change. so i changed it. i rearranged the living room. ever since we lost Jorai i wanted to change me. my appearance...what i really want to do is dye my hair black and add bright red streaks. but i think that may be just a tad bit too drastic. so i decided to just add some blonde and red highlights and lowlights, or maybe dye it red with blonde highlights. that would be cool...but then i watched the lake house with sandra bullock...well i liked her style too...but it's short. not super short, but above the shoulders short...i was surprised to find out that steve liked the look...but again, it's a bit drastic. but something in me finds doing something drastic, healing. whether is chopping off all my hair or dying it black...it's kind of an outward sign of my grieving.
when i look into the mirror, i still think i'll see Jorai in the reflection. i think i'll see a protruding belly, but instead i see a flabby one. i think i'll see those huge breasts that i couldn't wait to lose, but instead i see their smaller version. i see the old me, yet i still think that 'll be staring at the pregnant me. the me where had a living child. but it's not the reflection i see. now, all i have remaining from the old me is a brown line running up my belly and my last glands of Montgomery is slowly scabbing off. i want to transform the old me. i don't want to see her any longer. i want her to change. i want to transform my body. i want my belly to look completely different, my legs, my arms. i want to look at them and not see the old me. i want to change my appearance. i want to dye and/or cut my hair. i want to see someone else in the mirror. is that wrong of me?
what should i do with my hair tomorrow...keep it long and dye it or chop it all off? the old me thinks...well, if i chop it all off, that means i'll have to do something with it the morning, instead of just jumping out of the shower and taking off. if i dye it black...i'll definitely have up keep to keep it black, since i'm a rusty blonde...the easiest option would be to dye it red and put in blonde streaks...but then i think, black with red would sure be cool and chopping off all my hair would be a fun change too...oye...i need help. what do you think?
03 July 2007
thanks for letting me rant. i feel a bit silly...but i'm glad i got it out.
tiffany gave me a book to read that has really helped me along this journey of healing. it seems like every time i pick it put, i learn something. it's called life is tough but God is faithful by Sheila Walsh. i read something yesterday that really hit home and just picked up the book to read some more when i re-read what i found yesterday and felt silly for my earlier outburst. so here it is.
our sense of right is built ini need to stop flailing myself off the alter. i need help though. i feel as if my patience and faith is weak at times. today was a rough road. i had a sad moment in the morning and then a pissed off moment in the afternoon. it was too much emotion at once. how to i push these feelings to the side and focus on God. focus on the good that's coming through all this hell? how do people do it? how can i crawl back on the alter and allow my burning flesh to be a sweet-smelling sacrifice?
there's something built into every human being that says 'i have rights!' when we read in romans 12:1 that all christians are 'living sacrifices', it sounds so noble. we hold onto that wonderful thought without ever wondering what the implications might be. when paul used the words 'living sacrifices' he meant something much different from the old system.
in the old testament, a lamb was not consulted as to how it felt after being offered as a sacrifice. it was simply slaughtered and laid on the alter to be consumed by the fire. but in the new testament--the new covenant--we are living sacrifices. the trouble is, a living sacrifice can crawl off the alter when it gets too hot. God could have pre-programmed us as robots, who serve Him without choice, but instead he has given us the ability to choose.
The more i walk with the Lord, the more i understand that everyday of my life, for the rest of my walk on this earth, i can choose to stay on the alter or to crawl away. when the heat is turned up, i can crawl off and say, 'well, this is not what i signed up for. i thought that this would make me feel good. i thought that all of my prayers would be answered. but it seems as if God has turned a deaf ear to my cry.'
suffering is seldom an item on our list of requests to the Lord. but when it crosses our path and we are able by His grace to keep on walking, our lives become messages of hope to the world and to the church.
or a bat...that would feel nice. or a sledge hammer anything heavy that i could smash this house down. i'm trying really hard here to control my anger. i'm really trying not to feel sorry for myself but it's just not going to happen right now.
i feel like my world just keeps getting suckier and suckier. God is really allowing me to be put through the ringer here. and i'm about to blow. first it was my job, then my child, then my job again and now it's the stupid union that doesn't do squat for me anyway. i just got informed that i have to pay $50/month to a nursing union and i'm not even a nurse. but because some incredibly selfish people had to go through the nurses union so they could get what they want and then retire, i now am stuck with it too. when i called to let them know i had lost 3 of my 5 days they said it didn't matter. i still had to pay the same price everyone else does. so really, the only thing they can do for me since i'll only be working 16 hours per week is make sure that management can't fire me at will. well la de fricken da. i'm only working 16 hours a week people, do i honestly care if they can me? the union can't help me with insurance since that's already been taken away, no retirement, no benefits. nothing. yet i still have to pay them $50/month...and the woman i spoke to was so incredibly rude. i wanted to yell at her and tell her everything i had gone through this past month, but i don't want to use Jorai's memory in that way.
seriously, God better have plans for all of this or i will be really pissed off here. sorry i'm ranting and being really selfish and crappy but ya know what? i've just about had it, with all these tests. can i get a reprieve? can something good happen? something small even...anything.
i love God. i'm trying really hard to trust in Him and to hold fast to the cross. i'm trying to allow my faith to be challenged and i'm trying even harder not to allow it to teeter, but i have to be honest with you, i feel like i can almost touch times where i throw my arms up in surrender. and that kills me but i'm breaking down here. i can't even see my screen anymore through the tears. i know this whole $50/month thing is a drop in the bucket, but my bucket has been over flowing for a month now. you can't fit anything more in it.
the bottle looks better to me each day. God, send me some help down here. send me a reprieve. i'm emotionally wasted today. and sick of it all. maybe i should just quit this crappy 16 hour a week job. it's obvious my manager could care less. it's obvious the union doesn't care? with the exception of missing my friends and clients, maybe it would be for the best. i could apply for underemployment, i would be earning the same amount for the week through them as i would working 16 hours. then i wouldn't have to deal with all this.
i just wish i know what to do. i wish i knew why i was going through all this. i know i may never know but at this moment, i wish i had some insight. i just feel so weak.
please pray for me to grasp onto some understanding and patience and strength and composer and faith.
i feel a bit better. thank you for listening
**noise:a living prayer ~ alison krauss
i was having a good morning. made myself a latte and warmed up some blueberry pancakes, which is a feat seeing that i haven't been eating until 1ish...i watched an office episode and laughed and was ready to run upstairs to jump in the shower when i decided to check some blogs. mistake on my part.
first off, i love being around children and pregnant people. wish is strange in a way. you would think it would be hard. but it's not, really. i mean it pulls a bit, but i just think that children and pregnancy are such miracles. and to know that a child is growing in someones belly is simply amazing. and exciting. i was elated all winter/spring. i found out a friend is 11 weeks pregnant last sunday and she was beaming. how cool...
but today, as i was reading blogs, someone was describing how excited these last few weeks will be awaiting her child. how she can't wait to see her child's eyes and touch his skin. when i read her words my stomach sank. like i had just started the decent on a roller coaster. i am so excited for her. yet her excitement reminded me of what i've lost. i never got to see Jorai's eyes. i'll never know their color. i wanted to lift up her eyelids, but i was afraid of what i'd see. i'll never touch her skin. and quite honestly, i hardly remember what it felt like other than it was cold and paper thin.
i guess this is how it's going to be now. i'll be going about my day, fine and smiling and then it'll hit. the desperation. the emptiness. i've never fully understood the word gutted before. i do now. it honestly feels like some type of cold, dull tool scooped out all of my insides to leave me empty.
i sure do miss Jorai.
**noise:out of the depths ~ sinead o'conner
i want to start by saying thank you. you have all done so much to help me heal. whether it was coming to the hospital, bringing dinners, sending flowers or gifts, sending quick emails or comments of support, encouragement and love, sitting and listening, stopping by or calling to check up on us, praying for us, crying with us. all that you've done, thank you. i know it's just 2 little words but they are filled with all the love and true gratitude i have. a quick prayer, a brief message, a dinner...they touched us beyond belief and helped us in immeasurable amounts. thank you.
these past 29 days i've spend in my house. the quietness has been healing. my journaling has been healing. spending time in rage, in prayer, in frustration and in peace has all been healing. within the past 5 days, i've noticed a change within me. a quiet. i still hurt. i still long for a dream that will never come to fruition. yet i feel a peace. i know i will still have hard days, hard moments. yet i see the light surrounding me now. no longer am i stumbling around the darkness bumping into lost dreams and re-opening fresh wounds. i see hope. because of this i know my posts will be changing and i just wanted to warn you. some days i might not have much to say. don't worry. i know some of you do when i don't post. some days may be my traditional old blog posts...sorry!! and others may be me calling out for prayer after being blind-sided by grief. i wish i could shut off my grief. i wish i could only see the the good that has come out of losing Jorai, but i've heard that a parent will never get over this type of loss.
i just wanted to let you know. i'm healing. more than i thought was possible. and i have to believe that it has only been by the grace of God that i'm here. not only has He comforted me, even while taking my verbal abuses, but he has been loving, only as our Father can be. and He has brought me you. all of you mean so much to me. some i have never met, some i have just met and some i have known for years. i love you all. thank you for being there.
now on to life...
after being in this house for 29 days, i've realized that i need to start the job search. so i'm asking for your help...do you know of anything? the amount of pay doesn't really matter to me nor does what i'm doing...well, to an extent...i like and have experience in creating publications, brochures and educational materials, facilitating educational sessions...safety, both chemical and industrial, food safety and animal care (i used to be an unlicensed vet tech). but i would love to work in anything that has person to person contact. receptionist, secretary, editor (yes, i realize i don't use correct capitalization!). anything you've seen or personally need, let me know. please. i'd take almost anything, as long as i don't have to commute anymore! if you don't know of anything, could you pray for me to find the position God wants me to be in?
i can't believe it's been 1 month since we lost Jorai. last night was the first night that i felt somewhat normal. we went to church for the 3rd time since Jorai passed, but last night, it felt different. with the exception of the looks i still see behind me from folks that don't know how to approach us and the woman who asked how much longer i had left. (ok, this was the second person...do i honestly still look pregnant?!?), it felt like a normal saturday night. then we went to dinner with friends and to brandon's amazing bonfire. we had great conversations and it honestly felt normal. i wasn't hurting. i wasn't tired by having too much human interaction. i was me. it felt nice.
it's been a month...i was pregnant for over 7 months and within 2 days we got the horrific news and i birthed our little girl. for the past month i've gone through a hell i wish no one had to endure. but it's been a month and i'm still breathing. i'm laughing. i've made wonderfully dear friends through this, i've learned amazing amounts about endurance and faith, loss and pain, acceptance and most importantly, love. i've learned that i have no control. only God has control. i can eat the most organic of foods, take minimal medications, stay away from as many carcinogens as possible...be the most careful i can be with a child growing within me and God may still decide to keep my child. i can hope and dream and pray, yet God may have different plans for us. and although i may scream out and swear at Him, i have to hold tight to Him for only He can truly provide. only He can love me as He does. only He knows the path i need to take. as much as i would like to write my own story and never endure this pain, i don't know squat.
look at all i've lost though this mess. look at all of our hopes and dreams that were wrapped up in Jorai that were squashed. look at the empty crib in the finished nursery. look at our house, filled with baby items, now only to collect dust. look at the pregnancy and childcare books now stuffed in a closet. look at all the love we had now dusted with sorrow...
yet look at all the lessons we've learned. look at how many people Jorai has touched. look at all the people God has moved through our loss. look at the friendships that God has created and matured since our loss. look at our hope, it's been resurrected. look at our faith, it's been tested and stood strong. look at my anger and frustration at God, it was tested(in abundant amounts), and yet i pushed back, i found peace. look at our hopes, new dreams are popping up. look at all of these things. how awesome is our God.
i forget where i got this, but i've had it for over 3 years. i came across it today and it hit me hard.
before you were born, God planned this moment in your life. it is no accident. God longs for you to discover the life He created you to live, here on earth, and forever in eternity. it's not about you. the purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your piece of mind, or even your happiness. it's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. if you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. you were born by His purpose and for His purpose. You were made by God and for God and until you understand that, life will never make sense.wowza! that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it. crappy things happen here on earth, yet it's the crap that makes our faith stronger. i hate what we've had to endure. i hate that our baby girl, our beautiful daughter, our child, that we dreamt about and hoped for and prayed for and loved, is not here with us. i hate that we had to hold our child, lifeless and cold. i hate that we'll never hear her laugh or cry or talk. we'll never get to hug her or hold her or kiss her. we'll never have that. but what we do have is love. love for Jorai, love for God and love for others. we have the wisdom of this experience. we have the faith that we'll see her again and that until then, the faith that she's living in up with God and Jayden and our family and friends. we have each other and our friends. and we have life to live and God's will to live out. help me to remember these things when the sorrow hits again. help me to remember this, when the tears have stained my cheeks and my world seems blurry and meek. help me to see the light, when the darkness seems to be closing in.
steve and i have decided to try for another child. it's exciting yet incredibly scary for me. if we get pregnant, it would be so amazingly wonderful. wow. to know that God has blessed us with another child. to feel my body change again. to hope and dream about a little steve and kim running around the house. i would be elated. but what if. what if this happens again? would i be able to live through another loss? could i endure this again? i know i need to push these fears aside. i know i need to look at the cross and trust in His will, but can i? can i fully do that? i want to. i really do. i want to focus on God. i want to know that His will is good. but can i? i also want to carry, birth and raise steve's child. i want for us to be a family. how do i fully give every thing up to God? i can honestly say that i want to, but i also have no idea how to do it.
please continue to pray for me and everyone who has gone through this kind of loss. especially pray for those who don't have God in their lives. because without God, i can't even begin to imagine where i'd be.
now go and hug your spouse, hug your children and your families and be thankful for what you have and the trails you've gone through. praise God for them. because, although trials suck, you wouldn't be the person you are today without the trails you've had to face.
i love you all so much.