steve and i went to see dan in real life tonight. it was pretty good...but on the way home i turned on 89.9 to hear a song that i haven't heard since some high school dance of mine...a long time ago...but i was surprised how much i liked it. too funny. so, i thought i'd share a little i've got the power by snap with you..

then this came on...

and then this...a huge reminder of my roller skating days...ohh boy.

wow. what a throw back. i love the impact!

ok, now their topping off my night!...they're playing one of the best bands of all time...depeche mode...shake the disease. wow...i'm happy!

books on tape

i've almost finished my harry potter books on tape, that i got addicted to this summer. i never thought i'd like listening to books...i've only listened to books i've already read, so i'm not sure if i'll get the same amount out of listening to one i haven't read, but i'm willing to give it a go. having them to listen to on my commutes, really help the i'm on the quest for more. any suggestions? had any good reads lately? i'm looking for something light, fun....i don't know...really any suggestion would be nice.

thanks! off to goodwill...

...books on tape, i've listened to so far...
all the harry potter' by stephen fry of course...they seriously rock, just like reading the amazement
catcher in the rye...this sucked....the person reading it, not the book
into the wild...great..and although i can't stand the author, it was cool that he read the book.
digital fortress...couldn't finish it...again, the reader sucked...he didn't fit the story..

note to self

25 October 2007

1, 6-inch subway tuna sub is way too much to eat at one sitting right now. even though you're starving, slow down and only eat 1/2 of it. if you're still hungry, 30 minutes later, eat the other half. eating the whole thing causes pain. and bloating. and...

if you do eat the full sub, remember to re-zip your pants before getting up from behind your desk!

the power of smell

i work with a few ladies who like their perfume and potpourri. there is one person who has that gel potpourri that you let heat up. it permeates the entire department with it's extremely pungent flowery smell. i'm not sure why it's ok with management to tell you the's a bit offensive...but alas, there are many people i work with that are quite odoriferous...there is one gal, who just started with the potpourri thing, and although i'm usually nauseated with the over powering nature of the smells, this one is different. it smells like bubble gum. it's enjoyable...but even though i'm bloated and i'm full and my pant's hurt...i'm really craving some bubble gum!

my pants hurt

i realized today that i'm uncomfortable in my pants. it's not fair...not that i'm complaining...but i really wish i could wear jeans to work. that's the one thing i purchased after having Jorai. my pre-pregnancy work pants are tight. i can get them on, but they're tight. real tight. i had lost the weight i put on when i carried Jorai, but my body shape changed and the old pants, just aren't working. since i'm pregnant, i figured that i could wear some of my maternity clothes...yeah, that didn't work. they just fell off me. so i'm stuck with either buying new pants, i'm cheap! that won't happen, or simply wearing the old tight ones. which sucks. i feel totally uncomfortable. i just shut my door so i could unzip my pants for a bit. how silly!

it doesn't help that people are already looking at my belly to see if i've popped yet. i'm only 7 weeks, people! and seriously, my tummy can't pop! it was just carrying a child not even 4 months before i got pregnant. there's nothing to pop.

so, i feel restricted and self conscious! i was talking to a friend today who mentioned how long it seems my first trimester is taking. yeeaaaa! i feel like i've been pregnant for 9 months now! well, i guess i have, literally...i just had a 3 1/2 month break. this is going to be one long pregnancy!

but it sure feels good!

calling all my mac friends

have you seen/tried/heard about 'budget' by snowmint creative solutions...steve and i have been looking for some budgeting software, preferably envelope budgeting, for a while now and i just stumbled upon this. i'm going to trail it out before i officially order it, but has anyone used it before? it looks pretty cool.

here's a screenshot

please pray

23 October 2007

please pray for our friend JR. he was in an accident and needs surgery today. here's a post from his wife, Tricia.

Please Pray

Ok, I have a big prayer request. Sunday afternoon JR was helping change the brakes on his dad's van. He was using a pair of needle nose pliers to try and stretch a spring into place. He was using all his strength to try and do this. However, the pliers slipped off of the spring and ended up going into his eye. After a trip to the ER in an ambulance, the ER Docs sent us home saying it was just a bad scratch. We went to see the specialist today and he was very concerned. He said that the pliers actually went into his eye and left a hole. There was fluid leaking out of his eye, which obviously is not a good thing. To top that off, you can imagine how dirty the pliers were since they were working on a car. When he went into his eye, somehow it left his eye cut in layers and there is all kinds of dirt and junk in his eye.

The Dr. told us to immediately go to Ann Arbor to have surgery to fix his eye. We were shocked. We had no idea it was so bad. So, we called my parents and they picked the kids up from school early and brought them to our house so we could say goodbye to them while we packed up.

We made it to Ann Arbor and thankfully the leaking in JR's eye had slowed enough that the Dr. wanted to wait until tomorrow morning to do the surgery. If he would have done it tonight, he would have been working with people other than his normal staff, and in an operating room other than his. He felt comfortable enough to wait just so he could have his own room and people to do the surgery. So, we actually ended up coming home for the night so we could sleep well and because we don't have to be back to the hospital until 11:00am tomorrow morning.

So, if you could pray for JR tomorrow at noon, I would appreciate it! Here's the biggest scare. If he gets an infection in his eye, he will lose his sight. The problem is that the surgery itself is risky because it can cause infection. But leaving all the junk in his eye, and leaving the hole open is an even greater risk.

We do feel very fortunate though because all of this damage occured below his sight of vision. If it would have been higher even by a few millimeters, he would have lose his sight immediately. God has been so good! All the doctors kept saying to us was how lucky JR was that the puncture happened where it did. We are definitely praising God for that! JR actually has a very good attitude about the whole thing. He knows the risk of the surgery tomorrow, but he isn't worried. He knows that it is out of his hands and that he can't control what happens. His words tonight were, "even if I still lose sight in my one eye, I still have Jesus. That's all that matters." I am so thankful for his attitude and I am trying to have the same attitude. This could have been so much worse. We are just thankful the pliers went in where they did.

I hope this post makes sense. My mind is completely a blur right now and I don't even know if I am putting two complete thoughts together. I will try and post tomorrow night and let everyone know how the surgery went.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!


**mood: exausted
**noise: the wind

the past 3 days have been really hard. i struggle to stay awake. i'm so weak. nausea comes on and off, but it's starting to stay away. i have a pressure in my head that's nothing i've felt before...i've never had a migraine, but i think this might be what it feels like when it's starting to come brain feels heavy, almost swollen. i have pain that comes and goes, but what's hard is the eye pain. when the sun gets bright, i have sharp pain. again, it comes and goes, but it takes so muc
h out of me. i'm not hungry, just exhausted. i slept 12 hours last night and then came down stairs to watch 3 hours of tv shows online. and i still feel exhausted.

at times i wonder if i'm making 2 babies. oye! that would be a fathers an identical twin...but that doesn't up my's probably nothing, but i was never this exhausted with Jorai. again, i'm not complaining, that's one thing i refuse to do in this pregnancy! but it is hard. i miss my energy. i feel like a wilty flower...have you ever seen a gerber daisy that's totally dehydrated? they get all wilty and can't hold up their flower. so they flop over and throw t
heir head in the dirt...but as soon as you give it a bit of water, the stem lifts back up and the daisy is as beautiful as it was before...i need some of that water...i don't like my face in the dirt. it makes me sad.

i had my second dr. appointment this morning. everything looks great. my hormone levels went from the low 100's to mid 500's in 1 1/2 days. so yea...but when we went in we had a new nurse. she took my weight and then led me to the ultrasound room to ask me 'on a scale of 0-10, 10 being the highest, what is your pain today?'. never being asked that in a 'normal' obgyn appointment, i was a bit taken aback. freaking out, i had to wait almost 20 minutes for the doctor. thinking i was losing the baby the entire silly. why would she ask me what my pain is? the doctor thought is was strange too...but after all that worry that very long 20 minutes, it was wonderful to hear everything was great. i go back in 4 weeks.

yesterday i was exhausted and my head was heavy all day, last night i woke with a screaming headache, so i folded and took something...which i didn't want to do, but i was in pain...this morning i'm still exhausted and have a slight headache. it's hard being exhausted every day. but i'm not complaining!!! i've got a little one growing inside me!!

super sweet

15 October 2007

i heard that jessica seinfeld wrote a cookbook that hides veggies in food so you can slip your picky child veggies right under their noses. this is so cool. my family never had food aversions, neither did the nieces or nephews...but steve did...big time...and that's one thing i'm nervous about..a picky eater. we're so health conscious, it would be really hard for me to have a picky eater...but then i saw this book and some of the recipes on check it out.

she even makes brownies made with carrot and spinach puree...and supposedly, they rock...i'm excited about this...and i have no need for it...but i'm still super excited..

nausea has hit. woke up this morning fine, got my brakes fixed, went out to lunch...all fine...but by the time i got home to check/respond to emails, it hit. the lump in my throat...the headache...the swirls and twirls...ugh

i'm making chicken tortilla kinda sounds good, kinda completely amazing husband is stopping by mimi maternity after work to get me preggie pops..which are suppose to ease tummy issues...we'll see.

i love my husband. he takes such wonderful care of me.

in money saving news...the toyota needed all new, pads and 1 rotor. steve took it to tuffy to get a quote. $245 for the front $488 for all 4. sticker shocked, i looked through the phonebook and found discount mufflers and brakes on cedar...i went there today for a quote and left with all new brakes. they only charged me $222. $222 for all 4 brakes. if you need brakes...go check them out.

for the past 2 weeks i've been super emotional, sensitive and exhausted. more so than with Jorai. so i know it probably has a bit to do with grief and postpartum stuff but after thinking about and realizing how much my body has changed the past 2 weeks and will continue to change, i'm not surprised i'm an emotional basket case. in the past 2 weeks, our new baby has gone from this...

and this week the baby will look like this...

in 2 weeks, our baby has gone from a 2-layer embryo the size of a poppy seed to a 3-layer embryo the size of a sesame seed that is ready to start developing. the heart and circulatory system started to develop and, the by the end of the 5th week the tiny heart began to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood and the placenta and umbilical cord, were already working.

so on this week...the 6th week...God will be using my body to help develop:

the nose, mouth, and ears are beginning to take shape. the eyes and nostrils are starting to form. emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and arms and legs are protruding buds. the heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute and blood is beginning to course through the body. intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to lungs has appeared. the pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of the brain, muscles, and bones. right now, the baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.

WOW! no wonder i'm an exhausted, emotional basket case...this is tough work! and how amazing. i'm in awe...

i got an email from a friend of mine the other day that really struck me. i never thought of our pregnancy like this. but it makes sense and brings me comfort.

one thing for you both to remember is, this pregnancy is totally separate from the last and Jorai's accident was freakishly odd, and not a common occurrence, so try to think along those is a whole new day and I am sure that Jorai will be with you during this time and helping to take care of that little one.
it is a whole new day, this is a whole new pregnancy, Jorai passed because of a freak occurrence of a cord aneurysm. it's a whole new pregnancy. these few words have brought me comfort. i need to change me way of thinking.

on a flip note...although i'm having a wonderful time at home, only working 2 days a week, i find that i sometimes get a bit frustrated with the housework. i feel like since i'm home, i should keep it up, do the dishes, make dinner, do laundry...all the normal 'house mom' chores. but i feel like there's always more to do. i do the dishes but soon there's more, i tidy up, but in a few hours it's trashed again...i feel like it's never ending...and at times, i get grouchy about it. i think i need an attitude mom would be so proud of that last statement!

baby stuff

11 October 2007

i know there/s some preggo's out there so i thought i'd post this. my mom-in-law bought us a stroller for Jorai, but returned it when we lost her. she wanted me to send her the info again so she could buy another i thought i'd do some more research...i found this from phil and teds. it's kinda pricey, but it's really high rated and the cool thing is, you can add a $80 attachment when you have a second child to make it a double stroller. check it out.



i was just going through work emails when i came across one from steve on may 29. just 4 days before we lost Jorai. it talked about calling the pediatrics office to make an appointment and talking to the doctor about circumcision...we weren't sure if we were going to do it.

man. another reminder of what we've lost hit me out of the blue. it's like a dagger to the heart. i feel deflated. i want to feel filled with joy because of our new child growing within me, but at times, i have to admit, i'm just waiting to lose her too. i know that's wrong of me, but i can't seem to help it. i've had pains in my belly today. they are probably nothing. but my first thought is of miscarriage.

i know God gave me this journey because He knew i could walk it. but there are times i don't want to walk anymore. there are times i feel as if i'm kneeling in the dirt, frozen to the ground and unable to move. there are times i want to give up. there are times where i don't want to care anymore and just want to go running and screaming out the door. there are times that i'd give my life to see my daughter for one brief moment. and the instant i think that, i feel guilt, because if i'm gone, so will the baby growing in my belly.

i need to ask for prayers and grace and patience for these next (hopefully) 8 months. i have a feeling that i'll continue to be an emotional basket case. and please, pray for the health and strength of our new child growing within me.

i felt ok this morning, but right now, i feel so weak.

i realized, again, that i need more grace. i have tons for the starving, hurt, dying and exploited adults and children who fill this world. but i have very little for the adult people around me. which sucks.

i see people around me who have the
gift of grace. they exude grace. me...i just seem to exude crap most times. i want to look into peoples eyes and show the love of Christ. i want to look at the people who have hurt me, disappointed me, annoy me and flat out piss me off, and smile with genuine love for them. i want to be able to listen to people without getting my feelings hurt or frustrated because they don't agree with me. i want to look into someones eyes, genuinely listen and love them exactly where they are.

i wish i had more grace.

i finally got our thank you notes done from Jorai's baby shower and for some of the folks who helped us travel through our grief. we sent emails to most folks, but felt that we needed to send actual cards to others who really helped us. it took me 4 months to finish them. i'd write 1 or 2 and then put them away for a few weeks. these few thank yous meant so much for us to write, but it was so hard. i'm glad they're done.

i've realized today that i really need to keep my emotions at bay, especially when it comes to opening my mouth to let them spill out. i've aways be an incredibly open and honest person and for the most's a good trait. but then there's times when it's not. today it wasn't. with all these emotions pumping through my body i feel like a wound up ball of rubber bands just waiting to unravel. i hear one thing wrong and i start freaking out. one thing leads to the other and i end up looking like a fool.

it's times like this that i seriously think about shutting my mouth and rolling with the punches, never giving my opinions or fears or apprehensions. just sit there in silence. that way if i take something the wrong way and go off, i won't end up looking like a fool. really, i think i just care too much what people think of me. i'm
too self conscious. i over think everything i do. i worry about what i say or don't say. i don't believe in myself...and quite honestly, i don't rely on God like i should.

man, i'm a shitty person.

the past few days have been strange. i've been thinking a lot of Jorai. i've been having a lot of visions of her. the bad visions. the ultrasound to confirm her heart stopped, her birth, wishing i would have bathed her, held her more, taken in the sight of her more, taken more photos...they go on and on. i envision her little body in my arms, over and over again. i don't know why this is happening. i wish i could hold to the happy thoughts of her, rather than the regrets.

i wonder if it's all the hormones pumping through my body right now. the past couple of days, i've been really weepy and tired too. i guess i'm just worried that i will always hold tight to the terrifying thoughts of Jorai, rather than the happy ones. i want to share Jorai's love and life with any future children we have. i want to keep her in our family.

my grandmother lost a child right after birth because of a drunk doctor. my mom tells me that she never talked about that child and if the child was ever brought up, my grandmother would cry. this scares me. i know there will be tears for life. but i also want there to be joy. i want to share Jorai with our children. i want them to know that they have a sister in Heaven.

i feel like this pregnancy is going to seem very long. the past week, seemed like a month. a happy month!! but a long one. i kept thinking i was losing the baby. i have dreams of miscarriage. every time i go to the bathroom, i look for blood. it's scary. i do feel blessed. each day i feel blessed that i have another day with this child, but i feel the nerves too.

my emotions have been all over the place since will be nice to feel emotionally stable again!

i'm exhausted. i just can't seem to get my wits about me. the exhaustion didn't come on so quickly with Jorai. i get about 10 hours of sleep a night and still wake up exhausted. it's absolutely amazing how quickly my body has been changing. it's so cool. i find that God's creation of life is so far beyond my comprehension. to think that this crazy swimmy thing can connect with a tiny egg to create life, and then it all happens within my body. the food i eat, the exercise i exert, the drink i take, everything i do helps support this life growing within me. how cool is that?!

i still get scared a bit. every twinge takes my thoughts instantly to thinking i'm losing the baby. but for the majority, i just feel blessed. someone asked me the other day if we thought we were having a boy or girl, and to tell you the truth, i hadn't even thought of it. i was just so happy to have a child growing within me. there's life growing again within me. it feels so good to feel this way again. i can't describe it other than to say how much of a blessing it is. as much as it still kills me to know that Jorai was taken from us, there is joy that has filled the emptiness, knowing the God has chosen to bless us again.

**mood:light headed
**noise:someone mowing their yard

the doctors appointment went well. everything looks good. my doctor rocks. she actually wants to write a book about prenatal loss both from the physician point of view and the parents. she asked me to be apart of it. i think that would be super cool. anyway, she said they will monitor me more closely, maybe every 3 weeks instead of 4 and as soon as they can do a ultrasound, they'll schedule it. it makes me feel both loved and watched over to be cared for so well. she isn't concerned with anything, she just wants me to feel comforted. i do.

she did want me to go to the lab for some blood work though. i just got back. something didn't go well. the tech inserted the needle and then moved it and i had a sharp pain through my arm. she them moved it again and i had another sharp pain. she finally took it out and tried a different size needle in my other worked. but my arm is still throbbing. and to top it off, the pain and looking at the needle almost made me pass out. my hearing went muffled and my sight went black. it wasn't good. something like this has never happened to me before. i had to put my head down and she got me some juice to chug. oye. now i'm nervous to go back. do you think the needle was to big? i've never had that sensation before. it felt like i was being shocked. not good.

**mood:still sleepy..newly amazed
**noise:my work monitor's really annoying

i had bad heartburn throughout my pregnancy with Jorai. which was strange seeing that i never had heartburn before. i didn't even know that's what it was until late may. i just realized that for the first time in 4 months, i have heartburn again. although i still hate it, the continual burn on my sternum feels like an old friend. i really am pregnant again, aren't i?

in other news, i had a patient give me a hug today when i told her that i was pregnant again. that was cool. i love my job. so many of my patients are really wonderful to work with.

in the last bit of is the first day that i've worked 2 days in a row since may. i'm exhausted. i'm appreciating my husband in exuberant amounts right now.

**mood: exhausted since my husband woke me up at 4:50...not happy...
**noise: my husband breathing and turning pages

so i feel a bit silly...i took another pregnancy test this morning. this is my last, i swear...there have been 6 now...but i just can't seem to believe that i'm actually pregnant again. i don't feel like i did the last time i was pregnant. my brain still thinks i'm 7 months along. and 7 months along is a lot different than 4 weeks...which is apparently what i turned yesterday. well, anyway, i just had this feeling that i wasn't pregnant. and i was afraid to go to the doctors and have them look at me with those bad news eyes and tell me that there must have been an error with the tests because i'm not pregnant.

but i am. another positive. and when steve woke me up...still not happy about it...i was famished. i haven't been this hungry in 4 months. so i made faken bacon and blueberry waffles. yummie. but i'm still sleepy. silly husband. this 5am thing is not so good for the wifey!

i'll give y'all an update on the doctors appointment i have tomorrow.

the nausea and hunger has already begun. oye!

for the first time in months, i forgot to take my prenatal vitamin last night...ahhh, ya gotta love the pregnancy brain loss!, well, i took it this morning, which might account for the nausea. at least that's what i'm hoping for. i had such a wonderful pregnancy with Jorai. i was really only queasy when i was hungry and truly only had about 2 weeks of slightly continuous nausea. but ya never know. i'm a bit nervous about being nauseous the entire 1st trimester. which really, i could care less about. i'm pregnant. that's all the matters...but it would be difficult. as is today. i'm trying to get ministry stuff accomplished and all i want to do is crawl on the couch and watch movies.

my first obgyn appointment is this thursday at 9am. guess it all works out that my boss changed my work day this week. i usually have to work on thursdays. when i called, the receptionist was super excited for us. it's so wonderful to have so many people excited and praying for us. we have such an amazing group of folks surrounding us. we feel so blessed to have you all in our lives!

ohhh...and to top off the good news front, a friend of mine from glasgow just found me! on facebook no less! we had lost one another though our lives and travels. it's nice to talk with her again.

mind tricks

my mind keeps reminding me that it's time to buy a car seat and all the other baby 'essentials'. it's like my brain doesn't register the past four months ever happening. my brain thinks i'm 7 months pregnant, not 3 weeks. it's very bizarre. we have until around june 9 to get things ready, but my brain still thinks we only have 3 months. i can't describe's just really silly.

i was a bit crampY yesterday....nothing bad and i don't think it had anything to do with the baby. i was really active and so i think it was just strains, but they scared me. other than that, i was just super excited and felt amazingly blessed. i have a feeling that's how i'll feel for the next 8 months. uberly blessed and excited, yet freaked out with any lack of movement or pain or some other fear. but i can't dwell on that. i need to be positive.

i can't wait to call my doctor this morning!