xb etiquette

28 December 2008

i have to say how much i thoroughly enjoy the cheerful hello's i get from other xb owners. i've never had such gracious hello's from other drivers. it's such a cheery thing, being waved at on the road.

thank you fellow xb'ers. thank you.

Merry Christmas Jorai


at my parents church in big rapids, you can purchase a poinsettia to decorate the church in memory of a loved one. my folks always buy one for my grandparents. this year they bought 2. one for my grandparents and one for Jorai. They didn't tell us, so we found out as we read through the memorial insert in the Christmas service program. their remembrance warmed my heart. and it was cool because i was able to share Jorai's story with someone at church because they had read the memorial and asked who Jorai was. i feel so blessed when i get to share pieces of my daughter with people.

then, my mom has recently lined the bedroom hallway with pictures of family. one of the pictures is Jorai's memorial from namesinthesand.blogspot.com. i can't tell you the warmth i felt seeing all of our family lining the hall and knowing the Jorai wasn't forgotten. she was there, among us all, as she should be.

merry Christmas, my sweet baby girl. i love you.

asher week 27

19 December 2008


wow...27 weeks old. crazy! what a big boy!

who's that girl?

18 December 2008


lately. i've have a rough go identifying with myself. so much has changed in the past 6 months. more than i ever thought would change, has changed. and it's a wonderful thing, motherhood. but finding a balance between the old kim and the new one is daunting at times.

it's not the lack of a job. my employment has always sustained me, not driven me. it's more of just me. my everyday being. my spiritual being. my romantic side, my silly side, even my serious side. they've all shifted.

i'm tired. all the time. some days i don't feel tired, because i think i've gotten used to it. but i'm tired. exhausted really. i laugh, but the deep belly laughs don't come as often. i miss that. the romance has left entirely. my creativity and drive to research has left. i feel like a rundown version of kim. my mind is a haze.

last night, after getting 4 hours of sleep the night before and already having to calm asher down twice before 11, i broke down. asher woke up and started screaming, which is unusual. i was exhausted. i tried everything but he kept on screaming and i broke. i stood there, in a dark nursery, holding a screaming child and i started bawling. the tears felt good streaming down. it was a release. i wanted to put asher down in his crib and just fall to a heap on the floor. i just wanted to rest my head. the crazy thing was that all of a sudden, i wiped my tears, looked down at asher and he was asleep in my arms. maybe sobbing should be a new trick of mine to get him back down.

he then slept from 1-6, so i feel functional today. but it just got me thinking about me. i know this time is a season. the newborn season. i know things will settle down and i'll see a little bit of the old kim come back around soon...i just miss it. i miss delving myself in my ministries as i used to. i haven't greeted in months. i miss it. but right now, with asher's bedtime, i just can't.

finding my new life lines have been difficult. living for 31 years without a child set me in my ways. i love life as a mama. please don't get me wrong. my son rocks my world. he brings me a joy i have never known. the adjustment is just hard. i keep looking back and seeing what my life was, what my marriage was and how different it is now. i want to be able to combine the two someday. i want to feel comfortable and content in my new shoes. i want to make sure i'm where God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to be doing.

and well, i want sleep. and yet asher just woke or the second time tonight. for reference, he's been down for an hour and 40 minutes...i have a feeling it's going to be another rough night.

Merry Christmas y'all!

15 December 2008

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Asher week 26 ~ 6 months old!

13 December 2008


Asher week 25


Asher week 24


porn calendar

this morning i was searching for a new calendar. we have a large and quite ugly calendar hanging in our kitchen. i have a love-hate relationship with it. i hate it because it's ugly. bit time. but it's big and i can see everything on it. i can sit in the living room and look up and see the date. i really like that part of it.
i want a calendar like it, but nice to look at as well. so i got onto amazon to find a big calendar.

here were some on the results on the first 3 pages...
and let me preface again, that it was amazon...

the big breast calendar
meat 2009
big rigs
naked black men
bear men

amazon, you really disappointed me today. i'm really getting sick of our culture and our perversion of sex. i'll just go find a calendar in a store.

pukey puke

12 December 2008


while standing in line at the dollar store asher threw up all over me. it seemed like it was a cupful of vomit. it flew out of his mouth, into the carrier all over my arm, down my leg and all over my shoe. i freaked out. he's never done this before. it was a lot of throw up. after his puke fest, he seemed fine. he started flirting with 3 separate people as we were waiting in line. he doesn't seem hot and he's acting fine now, but i'm still freaked out.

steve has an upset stomach today...i hope this isn't the start of a family puke off this weekend.


11 December 2008

as a nursing mama, i like to peruse motherwear for great finds. some of their tops are nice. most i think just look like silly nursing tops, but some are cool and their sales are great. while i was perusing today i see this. now, does this picture really look like a normal nursing mama to you? silly motherwear, what were you thinking?

i just drank some of asher's wipe solution

10 December 2008

ahhh yes, and no, i'm not crazy. you too could be so lucky. after searching for a new cloth wipe recipe, i found this one:

Chamomile 'n' Honey

1 chamomile tea bag
1 teaspoon honey
1 cup boiling water

Brew the tea, add the honey, and drink any leftovers!
now that's my kind of wipe solution, plus i think it sounds kind of nice...i'd like that for my bum. we're giving it a go tomorrow.

hilarious, but be careful with these

my brother shared this free e-card site with my folks, who then shared it with me. be careful, there are some totally social and politically incorrect cards, but they're some just plain and simply hilarious ones too!

for example...in spirit of noels' post about all his birthday well wishers...

and for someone you love...

cheapy cheapsters

yes, i am. i have a hard time too. see, i like a lot of stuff, but being a cheapster, i feel bad paying full price for things, so i search and search for deals or coupons or free shipping. any little thing to bring the price down. i just bought my dream carrier. i rationalized it because i went with a pattern that is just ok and a 2008 style because it was cheaper. it saved me %16.

this summer my brother showed me this site. it's lovely. items are displayed for about 30 minutes and then a new bargain is up. if you're into outdoorsy stuff, you should check it out. they sell tons of patagucci, mountain hardware, la sportiva, simple, oakley...well, lots of stuff. i still haven't purchased anything since i 'don't need' it. but i see tons of stuff i want and it's so cheap compared to what it would cost you in the stores.

from one cheapy cheapster to the next, i give you steep and cheap.

oh, and for the baby gear equivalent, kelly sent me to this site. it's another daily skim of mine. they only have 1 item a day and it usually goes fast. they update it at 11am. it's called baby steals.

carrier cover

09 December 2008

any of you baby wearing mama's ever see or use these? i was thinking about making one, but for only $30, maybe i'll just buy it...i've been wrapping asher up in a blanket, but this is so much cooler...any opinions?

day in review

08 December 2008


after a week of horrendous sleep, asher woke up twice last night. he was asleep at 6:30 and woke at 12:45 and 7:15. he slept until 10:15am. he only took a 15 minute nap this morning but then took an hour and 40 minute nap this afternoon. steve's trying to get him down right now...i wonder what tonight will bring? another good night full of rest or a night full of interruptions?

he was so happy today. i could tell that him getting a large amount of sleep helped him. i know he's as tired as i am. i just wish i knew how to get him to sleep better. i feel as if my entire life revolves around him sleeping. it's a bummer.

we got the yota fixed after steve slid into a curb...$411. ugh. we're starting to think about what our next used but loved car will be...i think we'll have to cave in this spring. the bummer is that we'll have to get a loan. it'll be the first time we've be in debt in 5 years...other than our houses. hopefully it'll only be a couple g's.

we got our new washer. it's lovely. i need to get used to it, but i love it. it's very washy. clean clothes make me happy!

i think that's it...oh, other than i want to make brownies again...i know, i told you i have a problem! this time, i want to crush up candy canes in them. yum. i have a thing with chocolate and peppermint right now.

Christmas clothes

for my Christmas present my mom took me clothes shopping. although when i look in the mirror and see my naked self, i see how much chunk i have left to lose, surprisingly i weigh less than i did the day i got married. crazy. that said, none of my pants fit and many of my shirts have become crop shirts. i'm still baffled by the shirt cropiness, but whatever.

so, my mom and i went shopping. it was fun. i feel us getting closer again. it's nice. we were able to find me 3 pair of pants, 2 sweaters and a pair of sweats that don't look like sweats. very cool. but the coolest thing was that i tried on a pair of pants that were
2 sizes down from my current size. they were skin tight and i had flab hanging over the edge but i was able to zip them up! i haven't been in that size since high school! again, i'm not in that size now, nor probably will ever be. i could barely walk, but i could zip them up! it felt very nice.

it's nice to have pants that fit. my bum no longer hangs out of my jeans anymore. joy. thanks mom.

close to my breaking point

05 December 2008


i hate being so close. so close to losing it. my emotions are right at the rim, ready to spill at any second. i'm exhausted. i feel completely depleted of rest. after an amazing week of sleep, we have now finished off a week of wakefulness. each night since last saturday has gotten progressively worse. last night, asher woke every hour. every. single. hour. i'm not functioning anymore and my emotions are ready to explode. i'm seriously to the point of letting his wail it out, and for those who know me, that's quite extreme. the boy has never cried it out before. not even for 3 minutes. but i'm there and that makes me sad.

on top off the no sleep and crazy emotions, our washing machine has broken, our car has broken and i found out that the thing the dentist wants to give me for my teeth grinding problem will cost $300 after insurance, so i'm not going to get that. and the icing is that all my friends and my husband are whooping it up at the riv christmas party, and i'm at home sitting in sweats, hungry, with a headache and alone because since my child hasn't been sleeping, he's a royal crank.

i really don't mean to be complaining or feeling sorry for myself. i know i'm truly blessed with an amazing husband, a usually rockin' son, a supporting family and good health...but i just feel so downtrodden right now. so steamrolled. i always look forward to the riv party. it's always a great time. and i just feel as if i'm missing out right now. and thinking about the money we'll be shelling out for the car and washer and whatever else comes our way, just freaks me out.

have you ever just had one of those weeks filled with crap? my thursday was fun and right now my house is silent. those are my positives right now. now i'm about to have my hundredth turkey sandwich since thanksgiving and a dozen or so peppermint chocolate cookies before heading off to bed.

on a positive note, my mom just called to tell me that they want to buy the washer for us and we can pay them back so we won't have to pay interest. yea, mom and dad! i feel so looked after. now if they could just get my child to sleep!

lessons learned

29 November 2008

when you have to zip your hoodie using only one hand to pull the zipper and your teeth to pull the hoody tight, be very careful as to not zip up your lip. it hurts. a lot.


mama's aggressive little boy


asher has started doing something new when he's excited or mad or sleepy or, well, whenever he wants. he grasps a hold on my neck with his sticky little hands. then he digs his sharp baby nails into my flesh to scratch the snot out of me.

i'm starting to worry about my future daughter in law. i hope he grows outta this! here's a pic of some of his recent carnage.

healthy fast food

25 November 2008


why don't we have healthy fast food restaurants. it would be so cool if they had drive thru's at panera bread or omi or subway. being a woman without a baby, i never understood that, but now, i do.

see, currently i'm sitting in my driveway, with gut
rot. asher fell asleep on the car ride home from my physical therapy appointment. i was driving around a bit to get him to sleep when i realized that i hadn't eating lunch. i drove from east lansing to west lansing, trying to find a somewhat healthy drive thru i could hit. there are none. with asher sleeping, i could go home and leave him in the car, but i risk him waking up. i don't want to run into a store to get something to eat and leave him alone in the car...so i have to choose to go without or stop off at a fast food place.

i chose the fast food place...and now i have a headache and gut rot. i now want to purge everything out, but i know that won't alleviate the gut rot or headache, so what's the point. i guess i just don't know why good, healthy restaurants don't have drive thru's. as a stay at home mama, i think it would be a great marketing idea.

that and something that mimics the vibration of a car ride. i've been sitting in this car now for almost 2 hours. i don't want to move in fear of waking asher. he sleeps so wonderfully in the car. i think i need to work on an invention!



my entire family is in mexico for the week. it's a family reunion thing, although we're not there...it's a bummer really. i'm missing the fun my family is probably having in the warmth of mexico at the all inclusive resort...but i know we made the right decision. first off, we couldn't afford it. and second, it would have been horrible taking asher. and seeing he hasn't gotten any of his vaccines, it would have been silly to take him anyway. but i'm still missing the fun. i haven't seen my 1 cousin since steve and i were married and the other cousin since '99. we always have a blast when we all get together so it's just a bummer. i keep thinking about what they may be doing and it bums me out.

i have peace that we made the right decision for our family, but it's still a bummer.

tooth fairy


the tooth fairy arrived at our house. as asher was crying this morning, i was able to push his lower lip down to see his gums without him sticking his tongue out. there it was. a little eruption. it looked like a little sore, like a canker sore. but it's there. the top of a small little tooth. as happy as i am to see him growing up, i'm kinda sad too.

i'm going to miss his gummy little smile. but as we're thinking of introducing solid foods soon, i'm sure he's ready to start using his new 'tools'

a little slice of bliss

23 November 2008

i'm not a classical music fan by any means, but there's something about listening to npr on sundays that calms me. having it on, at a low setting, just so you can hear it is soothing. i get excited when it changes back to all things considered or prairie home companion, but still there's something special about the classical music on sundays.

to be able to enjoy a nice cup of coffee or tea and simply take in the silence of the house with the added tone of soft music is so nice. it helps when you have a sleeping child upstairs too...but yeah, npr. good stuff.

for the moment, i feel a calmness that rarely comes any more. i love these brief moments of bliss.

21 january 2009 at 9pm

as always, our house is open to anyone who wants to marvel at another season of lost. hope to see you there.


i have a problem. i huge one.

i'm addicted to brownies. preferably warm, moist ones that have just emerged from the oven. i want them all the time. every day. i think about them. they tempt me. their warm gooeyness taunt me. i have a box of dark chocolate ghirardelli ones on top of my fridge right now that keep tapping on my shoulder. it keeps whispering in my ear 'kim, kim...come bake me. you know you want me. i'm so delectable, come on woman. just open the box.'

why, oh why do i have these cravings? i'm trying to be good. i'm trying to get down to a weight that i was at prior to leaving washington. i want to be there by the time i get pregnant again, which could be as soon as april, mayish...so these brownies just don't help. but they call me. they tempt me. and of course as i was searching for a delectable looking brownie picture as a visual aid to this post, i find another yummy recipe to try.

i love and hate the internet today. now, not only do i have the brownie box tempting me, but i have another brownie recipe bookmarked, just waiting for someone to come try it out. ohh brownie, why are you so tempting?


22 November 2008

after an amazing night's sleep on thursday, last night was mediocre and today, horrendous. asher's been super clingy and fussy all day. he took a whopping 30 minute nap between 8am-2pm. i finally convinced steve to take him on a car ride around 4. it was only then that he slept for around an hour and a half. the crazy thing is that as much as he refused sleep during the day, he went down for the night without a hitch.

now, i'm exhausted. i wanted to get a huge dent in the Christmas stockings i'm making for the family, but instead i only made a scratch. but i can't complain. i'm working again on them tonight, but i'm so tired i can barely sew and this afternoon i broke a needle on my machine, so i have to make a run to the store tomorrow. ugh.. they're so cool though and to have them for all 4 of us is going to be sweet.

that's it for now. my bed is calling me. good night. sleep tight.

wedding video montage

21 November 2008

i was looking at the wedding video montage mathue made for steve and i back in '06 to see if i can find baby pics of myself that look like ash. i was cracking up the entire time watching it and just felt the need to share it again. so if you want to see growing up pics of steve and i, watch away. if you don't...well, then...don't watch it.

sleep update


since asher has moved into his own room, we hadn't seen much change in his sleeping habits until last night. last night he went to bed at 7:30 and woke at his normal 11:45 nursing. he then slept from 12ish to 5:10! wowza!!! then again from 5:30ish to 7 and 7:30-9:30.

i felt alive this morning. although my sleep was still broken up, the 5 hour stretch was truly wonderful. oh, how i miss sleep! i hope asher continues to find sleep in the night. i think we both will be much happier campers.

asher week 23


asher week 22

20 November 2008



19 November 2008

maybe we should all just stop complaining and realize just how cool we have it!!

but secretly...i kinda miss the old rotary phones.

the boy is moving out

16 November 2008


i set up asher's crib in his room this morning. i'm not sure if my heart is ready for him to be more than a few feet from me at night, i know, silly. but i can honestly say that physically, emotionally and mentally i'm needing this. i have to move him.

for 3 nights he slept alone in our bedroom as we slept in the guest bedroom. he still woke 2-3 times a night, but the stretches were longer apart and he slept until 9:30-10 every morning. last night steve and i returned to our bedroom because we had decided to finally paint the guest bedroom yesterday and the fumes were pretty intense...plus the room was freezing since the windows were open and a fan was exhausting the fumes out. what ensued last night was horrendous.

asher was down by 8:30 and we went to sleep around 11. he first woke at 1, then 3, 4, 5 and 6. i was about ready to lose it mentally. steve got up to help rock him back to sleep at 5, but he only wanted me. i tried to bring him into bed to nurse him but he wanted nothing to do with that. i had to keep taking him into his room to nurse him...though he wasn't really nursing. he'd suckle for a bit and then be out. at 6, he feel asleep pretty quickly but within 15 minutes of me putting him back down in his bed, he woke back up. steve took him downstairs and i finally slept from 6:30-10:30.

i don't know if he can smell me or what. all i know is that it was totally ridiculous. and i'm exhausted and emotionally and physically spent. i can't keep doing this. so, he's moving out. he's up there right now napping in his vibe. he was refusing sleep in his crib, but by the time steve put him in his vibe and starting walking upstairs with him, he was out. stinker!

for the first time since he was born, he's in his own room. although a part of me already misses him so close, steve and i have our room back. no more whispering and tip toeing when we go to bed. and we can re-kindle the love light in that room too. i have to think positive! and that one's huge.

so yeah, my boys growing up. last week he learned to sit up by himself and this week he moving out. they do grow up fast, don't they?!?

a drive

14 November 2008

in an attempt to get my son to nap today i went on a drive. an hour and 15 minutes drive. it worked. i'm glad gas prices are so low right now. i felt bad to drive to nowhere and beyond, but i had to. my wits were shot. 2 days of very scant naps makes mama and baby boy very unhappy campers. last nights bed time was horrible. a screaming fest began with the refusal to nurse and almost 40 minutes of blood curdling screams of anger. when i finally got him to sleep with a combination of rocking him in the bathroom with the shower blazing, he was gasping for breath. i've heard children do this. i've done this when the tears and sobs came so hard that i could barely breathe. but to hear my son do it was excruciating. and to hear him do it in his sleep was a killer. oh yeah, and he's tearing now too. so to see his eyelashes wet with tears was so hard.

i don't want another replay of last night. i want him to be happy and content. not screaming and bawling and pissed off at the world. so, we rode. we rode to nap-land and it was a wonderful trip. he woke about 3-4 times for a few moments, but all in all, he slept 1 hour and 45 minutes...30 of them where in the garage.

i simply hope that he's happy tonight and nurses, last night was a bit painful for not nursing for almost 7 hours! i would so like to know why some days he sleeps so wonderfully and other...well..not so much.

crazy thoughts

11 November 2008


i think the lack of sleep is getting to me. lately i've been wanting to give birth again. i've been almost craving it. the whole thing. the contractions, the pressure, the pushing...but most of all the first moment that you get to look into your child's eyes, the wetness and warmth of their body against yours, their smell.

i don't think i'm ready to be pregnant again, let alone try to care for another child. asher keeps me on my toes and at a constant state of sleep deprivation, but i do want to give birth again.

i think i need more sleep!

good night.

Asher week 21


Asher week 20



09 November 2008


my heart aches when i hear asher cry. not the fussy cry, but the all out belting from the inside cry. the 'i'm so pissed, i'm about to explode' cry. and it's usually that cry that i have no idea what to do to calm him.

this is what he's been doing lately. this is what he's doing right now. i know he's tired, but he doesn't want to sleep. his teeth hurt, i think. he's frustrated...and so are we.

i'm exhausted too. last night i went to bed at 11:30. asher woke at 1. and then 2. and he was up until 4. 4. i gave him some tylenol and he finally fell asleep until 8. today he's only taken about an hour and a half of naps. he's exhausted. his eyes are red and at times he's inconsolable.

i know how he feels. that's how i felt last night. inconsolable. about ready to crack. i had to pray for patience, because i was literally about ready to blow. i'm sleep deprived. it's been months since i've had a decent block of time where i was able to sleep. i'm starting to go wacky. and then when nights hit where i get no sleep, i crack. thank God for answered prayers. after an almost breaking session last night, i felt a piece. i was able to get my patience under control and get asher back to sleep.

but today i'm simply exhausted. the difference between asher and i, is that when i'm exhausted, i'll sleep. he won't. i get to points where i don't even know what to do. i almost feel like hunkering down in a ball crying as he lays in his crib crying. but i know that won't help either of us.

i just wish i knew what to do to make him comfortable, i wish i knew what i could do to help him sleep. my mind is a fog. my emotions are crazed and my patience is fried.

it's so strange how some nights he's this amazing little sleeper. and others, well, not so much. i think i would do just about anything for a full nights sleep.

party lines

01 November 2008

this election is scaring me. well, let me be blunt. it's scaring me shitless. i want to scream from the rooftops to get people to vote...but what i really want is for them to vote my way.

see, the majority has not voted my way in the past 2 elections, and well, we see where the country is now...so i'm anxious. and scared. and i just want it all over.

i'm tired of hearing that my friends aren't voting my way. it makes me scared. it's hard for me to keep silent. i mean, we all have our own opinions, our own agendas and wants...but i just see silliness happening on one side of the political race. i wonder others see the same thing on my side.

in my close minded eyes, i can't see how they could see anything on my side other than a wonderfully exciting change. but then again, i'm not in their shoes. i don't feel their passion, i only feel mine.

i see this country being so much better than it is. it's so one sided right now. it's so, well, not me. so judgmental and belittling, so old, rich, white manish, rather than the melting pot of faith, culture and race that we are. i'm tired of being told what to do, or rather telling others what to do. i'm tired of big oil and turning a blind eye to the planet. i'm tired of watching people get sicker and sicker because they don't have health care...the list goes on.

this is the first race where i've been really excited to talk to people about my choice, but i get so sad when i see other people supporting the other guy. why is that? we all get to voice our voice in this election. it's what makes america cool. we can all have our own opinions and we can all be a part of voting someone into office.

but the selfishness in me wants to 'help' my fiends see 'the light'. i want them to see it my way. as silly as that is. as hypocritical as i am. that's what i want.

it makes me somewhat happy not to know where some of my friends party lines run...although i'm curious, maybe it's better this way. because when i hear a friends votin' for the other guy, i have to bow my head in sadness. so i have to continually remember that they are voting for the person they think will do the best job. it's so hard to realize no matter how close you are to someone, they may have a totally different viewpoint on who would run the country better.

it's kinda scary...and kinda cool...

guess we'll all find out in a few days...but selfishly and in my eyes, for the good of the country, i sure hope i get my way...

asher's first trip to the zoo


asher and i may be in a documentary at the zoo. i'm not sure when it'll be done or where they'll show it, so if you see it, let me know. but there were 2 guys doing a documentary at the potter park zoo today. we kept running into them. they took some super sweet footage of asher and this little baby baboon. the baboon kept running up to the glass, smooching his face against the glass or looking at asher. it was hilarious. we tried to take some pictures, but they ended up blurry.

anyway, here's a photo montage of asher's first zoo trip. enjoy.

btw, potter park zoo is really nice! and today we got in totally free!!

asher's first halloween

our little sweet pea


31 October 2008

if you notice a hickey on my neck the next time you see me, it's not from steve. my wonderful son has started to mark his territory. the past week he's developed the habit of grabbing my neck with his vulcan death grip when i pick him up to nurse. i think he gets so excited that he can't contain his emotions. and for all of you who have felt his manly grip, i know you're probably feeling for me right now! its quite painful. i'm working on discouraging the behavior, but it's kinda hard to discipline a 20 week old.

so yes, i have hickeys on my neck. from my son. joy.

and if that's not enough, once he's nursing, he's constantly reaching up to either pull my lips off or smack my face. i can't tell if he's just exploring or if he thinks my singing is atrocious. i'm starting to get a complex.

go vote

thanks to noel who posted this..

lil' miss Jorai

27 October 2008


my friend beth found this super sweet organization that will write the name of a child you've lost in the sand and then post it on this site as a remembrance. i gave them Jorai's info last week. here's her photo.

Jorai Mae Newman
Born sleeping on 3 June 2007
Lansing, MI USA

My sweet Jorai Mae,

Although your physical life is now in Heaven,
you continue to grace
our lives each and every day.
I want you to know that because of
our lives have been forever changed.
Though it's hard to know

that we'll always have a piece of our family missing here on earth,
realize now,
that we were blessed beyond measure to have known you,
our amazing little girl,
for 7 beautiful and exciting months.
We may
have only gotten to hold you
for a brief moment,
we may never know
the girl and woman you would have become,
and your brother will never
have his big sister here on earth,
but we got to feel you and love
and dream about a life with you for 7 wonderful months.
of that brief moment in time,
you will forever be part of us, and
a part of you.
You're our little girl, our precious daughter,
and we will always cherish you and our short time together.

You will always be with us,
a part of our family,
and you will always
be our daughter and a big sister.
Nothing can take that away from
Not even the silence and separation of death.
We miss you every
day my sweet
child and we will love you for all time.

Until we meet again, your Mama, Papa and baby brother.

coincidence or does heat really affect sleep?

24 October 2008


i turned our heat up to 66 last night. i thought i would increase it a few degrees at a time to see where asher liked it best. he's sleeping pattern the past few weeks has been:
asleep between 7-8
wake at 12 or 1 to nurse and change and back to sleep within 30 minutes
wake at 3ish
wake at 4ish
wake at 5ish, unless i have already brought him unto bed...if i haven't, i do now.
steve will take him around 5:30-6:30 for a bit and then bring him back upstairs to our bed to sleep from 7:30-9ish with me.

last night he slept from:
7:20-12:45 (nursed, changed and back to bed by 1:20)
woke at 4:45 (i brought him into bed because i was too tired to nurse him sitting up!)
at 6:30 steve took him downstairs to play and then brought him back up at 7:30.
slept with me from 7:30-9:15!

i hope this lasts! i like this sleeping pattern much better!! thanks for the advice ladies!!!

week 19

23 October 2008

week 18

week 17

baby questions


what do you mamas keep your house temperature at both during the day and at night? and

what kind of sleeper/blanket do you use?

asher is usually a hot blooded little boy, but lately at night, he wakes up cold. i've been putting him in a fleece sleeper with a fleece blanket sack on top and a fleece hat to sleep in...i'm starting to wonder if our house is too cold. we keep the heat at 64. is that too cold? i can't find any info online about it.

thanks mamas!

wrapped up in Jorai


2 days before we lost Jorai, my mom gave me the blanket she had knit for her. the yarn was a soft red/blue and white. it turned out as a soft pinkish/purpley. even though we didn't know for sure she was a girl at the time, it ended up being so cool that she was a girl. the blanket fit her so well.

since her birth and death, i haven't been able to put her blanket away. i used to keep it lying across asher's crib, her crib. but then when we transitioned asher into the crib, i had to move it. so i placed it on the rocking chair in his nursery. with it being so cold, i've been using it to keep asher and i warm while i nurse him at night.

last night as we were snuggling, i wrapped him and i up in her blanket and i got the feeling as if i was wrapping us up in her love. i know it sounds silly, but i have so little of her that i can touch. that blanket, her blanket, i can touch. and i can wrap up her brother in it. that simplicity, brings me joy.

has it already begun?

22 October 2008


after i nursed asher tonight, i handed him off to steve to get him down so i could return to my meeting. after about 30 minutes of hearing his restlessness i went back upstairs to try to calm him down to sleep.

that didn't work very well...the screaming began and continued for a long, long time. screaming as we have never heard before. i tried nursing him, lying down with him, rocking, singing...you name it. nothing helped. and it just got worse and worse until we were really starting to think there was something wrong with him. so, we decided to take him downstairs to calm him down.

seriously, the second our foot touched the first stair, he looked at me, stopped crying and smiled. smiled! what a little stinker. then another smile, and another. a smile? seriously?

we stayed downstairs for about 15 minutes and them i took him back upstairs to get him down. after another 15 minutes or so of rocking, swaying, singing and playing his womb mp3, he finally fell asleep.

can a 19 week old really already be playing these games, or was his smiling just a fluke? if he's already playing us, i think we're in a world of hurt! such a stinker!!

but i have to say, that smile of his, melts me every time. every time. no matter what the circumstance or time, i would give the world for just 1 of his smiles. he already has me wrapped around his little finger doesn't he?!?

another confession

those brownies i told you about in my last post...i'm really making them solely because i want them very badly and because we have a meeting tonight, i can justify making them better than just making them for myself.

man, i'm a crappy person!

hopefully that will end this confession thread. well, at least until the next thought that springs into my mind or action i make!


ya gotta love it when God shows you somethings and you end up feeling like a giant jerk.

i was just running around like a mad woman trying to make brownies and clean before a ministry meeting tonight, as if they'd care that my house is trashed, but i digress, when i came across a jacket of steve's on the couch...my immediate thought was one of frustration. as if he thinks i have all the time in the world to pick up his crap...yea, i was in a moment of frustration and weakness...anyway, i literally rounded the corner to see not one but 2 of my jackets on the table.

thank you for showing me once again, how crappy i can be Lord! please help me to show more grace!

thanks for reading my confession...i feel better for being such a jerk.



i just ordered this...we had help in the form of an early christmas present and a large baby item return. i was going to wait to order it until the winter as i was putting money away every month for it, but i was noticing that ashers infant seat was getting surprisingly snug. yesterday i looked at the height/weight limitations and noticed that the height limitation is 28.5"...2 weeks ago asher measured in at 28"! no wonder the little tyke is all cramped in that seat. bad mama!

well, this one goes up to 4'9" and 65lbs! so i think we have it covered. and it's cow print.super cool. i can't wait for it to arrive!!

cd woes

21 October 2008


i'm giving up on cloth diapers for a few weeks. i'm pissed and i'm just allowing myself to get more and more pissed as the days pass. i've striped them 3 times now...still leaking. it sucks. some times they're ok...today within 3 hours i went through 3 diapers and now have to wash our sheets since one of them leaked as i was nursing asher in bed this morning.

i wanted to keep asher's bum wrapped in cloth, but for now, it's just not happening. i could try to buy things to replace the bum genius or cover his bum genius in wool, but that would be more money for possibly nothing. i'm hoping it's a fit issue and by giving it some time, he'll fill out to fit the cloth diaps better. but my hands are raw from scrubbing and all the scorching water i've been using and, well, it sucks worrying all the time if he'll soak through a diaper when we're out or if it will wake him from his sleep. so screw it.

seventh gen. diapers are on sale at big lots for $8 for a 40 pack. i'm going today to stock up. maybe in a few weeks we'll give the cloth a go again. but for now, good riddens bum genius. i'm sad, but i need a break.

why o'why are you leaking?!? it makes me sad to say goodbye.

christmas in october?

20 October 2008


ferris was having their homecoming this last weekend, so we decided to drive up for the night to visit my folks and hit the parade. it was asher's first parade and he liked it...no screaming! while we were there, my folks asked if we wanted to go pick out our christmas tree. their friends have a tree farm in big rapids and every tree is $30. they told us to go out and pick a tree and then in dec. my folks can go cut it and bring it down to lansing for us. we thought it may be easier with asher this year, so we went out to take a look. i've never picked out a tree in october...it was nice. warm. i did miss the snow, but not the cold! here are some pics.


16 October 2008


here's a picture of the candle asher and i lit for Jorai last night. steve was in class, so he couldn't be here to light it. but i kept the candle going until he got home so he could blow it out.

i love being able to share Jorai with ash. last night i was
telling him about Jorai and when i held her picture up to him, he smiled his big toothless grin. it brought me such joy.

the dark cloud

15 October 2008

is it bitterness? pride? is it anger? insecurity? or superiority? is it a ball of emotions or just a simple case of frustration? what ever the description, it sucks. plain and simple. the dark cloud that swoops in and destroys a seemingly lovely day simply sucks. you don't know where it comes from or how it arrived, you just wish it didn't come.

it changes your day. your outlook. it changes your mood and laughter. it makes you think about your own actions, as if you've done something wrong. you revisit and rewrite scenarios over and over in your head, as if you could change the outcome. it lingers like an unwanted guest, or more like the stank a skunk leaves, just lingering for hours, making you mad and frustrated and you just can't seem to let it all go.

dark clouds suck. i don't know what brings them or how the clouds 'cloud' your judgment and seem to take over your emotions...it reminds me of evil. i think the dark one thrives on dark clouds. he lives for them. lives for the division and yuckiness that comes with them. he laughs in victory when dark clouds enter the rooms of friends, of believers. he can taste the sadness, the bitterness, the spirit of darkness that clouds our hearts and minds. it's like venom. it infects.

i never understood these clouds. how they can take over a persons love and rational thought. life's too short to let these clouds destroy us. as much as i want to be bitter and bring the rains down to accompany the dark clouds, i need to just push away my selfish desires and instead, shine the light of Christ so bright that the dark clouds simply dissipate away.

please pray i can be light instead of rain.

remembering miss Jorai Mae


asher and i'll be lighting a candle tonight at 7 to celebrate and remember our amazing daughter and sister. please join us in remembering Jorai and the countless other babies who graced our lives for such a brief time.

i love you baby girl. we miss you.

growth spurt

13 October 2008


i wonder how painful it is to grow. asher is such a trooper. he's usually happy, unless he's overly tired, which has been happening quite a bit, or teething..another frequent occurrence. but growing has to be painful. your skin and bones stretching, your organs...ouch.

asher had his 4 month appointment today. in 2 months he's grown 3 inches, put on 4 pounds, his head has grown an inch as well as his chest. crazy. so what does that mean? well the silly percentile chart says that he's off the chart for height, in 95% for weight and 75% for head circumference. what a big boy.

we had another discussion about vaccines today. i'm thinking now of waiting for 6 months and then getting dtap, pneumococcal
and hib. one each month/month 1/2. but i don't know...that could change too. but for now, that's what we're thinking.

other than that, all is well in baby land, other than being exceptionally fussy today. i feel so bad for the little man. pushing teeth out sucks.

oh, and i've done 3 loads of laundry today on the same load of diapers trying to strip them. we'll see what happens.

leaky diaper help

12 October 2008

for all you cd'ing mama's, i need your help. i've been having a hard time with asher's bum genius leaking at night. it's not an absorbency thing. last night he wet through one he was only in for 3 hours and then another for 30 minutes. sometimes it goes out his back, but most it goes out the side, near the tab. i'm getting sick of it. having to change the bed sheets and him twice a night is ridiculous. we don't have the problem at all during the day. and we use the same diapers in the day as the night. the only thing i can think of is that maybe he's at an in between height/weight where if he lays on his side or back, the diaper doesn't fit him well.

for those of you who use bum genius, have you had this problem? what do you wear for night time? i don't want to go to prefolds at night. i don't want him to be wet all night, that's why we chose the pocket diapers. but i'm willing to try something else. i'm very close to going out to get disposables for night.

has any one tried the g-diaper? i'm thinking about this diaper too...but it's just as expensive at the bum genius diapers...and then if those don't work either, i'd be screwed out of another 40-60 bucks.

are their any suggestions out there? i am going to strip my diapers tomorrow, though i know that's not the problem.

interesting view point from an 8 year old boy

08 October 2008

i was talking to my sister-in-law this morning about the debate last night. she was telling me how my 8 year old nephew has been really interested in the debates and so they've let him watch them. though she knows he doesn't really grasp all the topics, she asked him who he would want to be president. he said barack obama. when she asked why he'd want obama over mccain, he said 'i don't think mccain is telling the truth.'.

i just thought that was interesting.

asher week 16

07 October 2008


why i love goodwill

05 October 2008

yesterday i needed to find clothes. none of my shirts fit. i've been wearing pregnancy shirts since last year because since i gave birth to Jorai, all of my pre-preggo shirts have become crop shirts. i'm tired of it and i'm tired of 'getting my body back'. but i'm cheap, so i went to good will. for less than 27 bucks, this is what i came home with:

a new, i think, pair of j crew pants. super cool.
a cashmere anne klein sweater
a cotton zip sweater from j crew
a wool zip sweater from american eagle
a super thick cotton long sleeve shirt from old navy
a wrap shirt from anne klein that is perfect for nursing
and a trendy mod shirt from someone i've never heard of

sweetness! i would like a few more shirts, so i think i'll hit world mission this week. but still, sweet score for goodwill!


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time sure flies. i was talking to a new welcome team member last night about how, if we had one, my 15 year high school reunion would have been this year. 15 years! wowza. it seems like just yesterday i was roaming the halls of high school.

last weekend steve and i celebrated our 2 year anniversary. 2 years! it seems as if it were yesterday that i was walking down the aisle to some sweet psalter music to my now, amazing husband. it seems as if it was yesterday that noel and jr asked us when we were going to start trying for children at the riv Christmas cele. and we told them that we were pregnant! it seems like it was just yesterday that we lost Jorai, that we were going through our mourning processes and the pain seemed never ending...it was only a year and 1 week ago when we found out we were pregnant again with asher, yet it seems ever shorter than that.

time flies. in the 2 years that steve and i have been married we have felt such joy, such sorrow, such blessing and such loss. i remember in high school how long 2 years felt, yet now, at 33, it flies.

we're tentatively thinking about trying to get pregnant again next mayish...and yet as far as that is away, it feels like next month already. am i ready? can i handle 2 children? we wanted our children close, but since i was pregnant for nearly 2 years my body has about had it. and then, the what if's...what if we lost another child. could i handle that? i don't want my mind to go there, but of course it will. in another 2 years, will we have 2 earthly babies? that's just crazy to think about.

time flies. i wish i could slow it all down...asher's getting so big. only 16 weeks, but so big. smiling and getting excited and almost rolling over. such a big boy. i want to savor every moment.

steve mentioned yesterday, how in a few years, asher may be walking down the stairs to find us for comfort after a bad dream. to think of that is amazing. i remember crawling into my parents bed after having a bad dream and i know how i'll savor those same moments with asher. knowing that steve and i are his comfort. but i know those times too will fly by and soon he'll be in high school himself. this is all just so crazy to me. and why am i even thinking about it now, as he's only 16 weeks...

again, i just want to savor every moment.

why short hair is cool

you can go to bed with a wet head and wake the next morning with a fauxhawk!

west african peanut soup

30 September 2008

is what i made for dinner tonight and it was quite delightful. so much so, that it's topping my fav. soup list and i can't wait to make it again even with leftovers waiting for tomorrows dinner. yum. plus it was uber easy. the kicker was that steve looked at me with all seriousness and said 'i wonder what gordon ramsey would think?'.

i think we're watching too much hell's kitchen and kitchen nightmares.

check out the yum yum here.

sleepy days and cranky cranksters


asher was up every 2, or less, hours last night until 3am where he slept 3 1/2. 10, 12, 2, 3, 6:30...it was a rough night. he was fine. he just wanted to feel secured and loved. almost as soon as he latched on, he was back to sleep. not a bad way to fall asleep really...i can understand wanting to feel that secure, that close to the one i love and know the most. but it wreaks havoc on me the next day.

being a cold night it was one of the first times we haven't had a fan going in the room. i wonder if he woke because the room was so silent. i wonder if we should keep a fan going, not only for him, but for us since it will drown out some of his noise. i didn't want him to get use to white noise, but maybe for now, it's a good thing.

he's been really sleepy and cranky the past few days...another possible sign that he may be teething. he's still happy most of the time, but there's quite a few times where he's mister crankster as well. and he still can't keep things out of his mouth.

i went to buy him a new pacifier, for his cranky times, and get this...at target all the pacifiers went from 0-3 months and then 6-18 months. there were no 3-6 month pacifiers. there were no slots for them either. so either they just don't carry them or they're not made. i was confused...asher's almost 4 months, so i bought him the 6-18 month pacifier...yeah, way too big. i was going to go to babies r us and then i remembered my beef with them. argh...guess i need to let go of my b.r.u. frustration and walk into that crappy store.

i sure wish we had a different baby store in lansing.