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Showing posts from January, 2010

regret

One of the many things that's so hard about losing a child is all the guilt and regret that follows. It seems to lessen...at least it did a bit with Jorai, as it's been over 2 1/2 years now, but for awhile it's all consuming. I think that's why I've been drinking at night. The guilt and regret covers me when I'm quiet. Alcohol numbs it. It quiets my mind and makes me sleepy, so I can fall asleep fast. Not that I'm abusing it. So please don't think that...

Last night, I was going to have a glass of wine, but I never did...and as I was laying in bed, my mind went crazy. When we lost Jorai, we held her for hours. We stared at her and touched her and wept over her. Her skin was starting to degrade and her nose started to bleed so we knew we needed to give her to the nurses because I wanted to remember her as perfect. We only have the pictures that the hospital took. And they took decent pictures, but nothing like NILMDTS. But I can see her …

website in the works

I've decided to really, truly make a website full of information for families grieving through infant loss. I'm not sure how soon it'll be up, as I haven't even fully nailed down a web developer, but it's going to happen. I have a ton of info and sites I want to share, but I need your help too.

If you have lost a child could you share with me:
what some your regrets are
what organization you used that helped youwhat advice you would give to someonewhat really helped you that friends or family members didwhat things really hurt you that friends or family members did or didn't doany advice you would give someone else going through this
If you are a family member or friend could you share with me:
what is the number one thing you wish you knew to help your family member/friend
Thanks! More to come. I'm excited about the possibility to create this. It's just the first step...the next one is sitting down with hospitals....Prayers please!

naked.

I haven't been blogging as much as I'd like. The reason is because I feel like people are going to start thinking that I'm just complaining. In my own thoughts, I think that people who've never gone through this hell, will be thinking 'Come on...get over it already...why are you always looking at the negative.'. And maybe I'm wrong...I probably am. But even I, feel like I'm judging too much..complaining too much. But I just can't stop. I know I should be happy enough with my healthy little spitfire boy. I should be content and be OK with him being our only child. And maybe I will...but right now, I just keep thinking about my pregnancy. I think about the fact that I'd be 28 weeks today. 28 weeks is a milestone for us. I would be in my 3rd trimester. I keep thinking about what I'd be doing to Selah's room...now back to just being the guest bedroom. I think about all my pregnant friends...how they're getting ready to birt…

Promises are shit

Sorry for the lewdness...but back in my high school and college days I used to listen to a lot of Fugazi. One of their songs was called Promises are Shit. It was a favorite...

Last night as I was driving home from a friends house with Asher, I was telling him how we were on our way home and when we get there we'll take a bath and read books and sing songs and nurse...and he said 'papa?'. I had to explain to him that papa wasn't going to be there but that he'll get back while he's sleeping and that he'll see papa tomorrow. I promised him.

One of the hard parts of losing someone you love so tragically, is that all your ignorance goes with them. For instance, I will never enjoy another pregnancy. I'm no longer ignorant to what can happen. I can never think...'oh, that was a once in a lifetime fluke.'. I can't sit there and think at any given moment that all will be OK, because I now know better. I thought I would actually enjoy my preg…

Selah's genetic results

We got nothing. We're back to square one. Nothing grew...whatever that means...so we have no answers to why Selah passed. My doctor called to tell us the news and she said that the form stated the they usually never get results with stillborn children since they need living tissue for the growth. Which makes sense...but I wish I knew that in advance, so I wouldn't have been placing so much on these results.

She wants us to hold out hope for our test on February 4th. I'm trying to remain positive...but what if we don't get a diagnosis? What if everything comes back normal? Should we even try again? Not knowing what our choices are, is so frustrating. I just want something tangible to hold onto. Some type of truth.

Every where I look I see children with siblings. I'm surrounded by them. And though it makes me happy, it also makes me sad. There's a huge possibility that Asher will never have a living sibling. He'll never have what his friends hav…

Rays streaming down

Ya know how the sky looks when the clouds start to break and the sun's rays peek through the holes? I've always loved that sight. It's as if God is showing Himself. In a way, that's how I've been feeling the past few days. It all started last Friday. From the moment I woke, there was a fog that was lifted. And I figured I was just having a good morning, but then the afternoon hit and then I found myself laughing that night and then Saturday came and I enjoyed that day too. I enjoyed being at Riv and could even muster out a few songs, as before I couldn't even open my mouth without crying or getting so pissed that I wanted to scream. And though I couldn't stay to hear the message since Asher wasn't cooperating in RivKids, it still felt good to be at Riv. It felt like home again. And then Sunday came and I was OK and then Monday and now today...I still feel OK.

It's hard to describe other than painting a word picture of walking out in a de…

website to help others find hope

Steve and I are talking about starting a website in memory and honor of Jorai and Selah. We want it to be both a resource page for people facing child loss, hospitals and birth centers and a healing place for people to heal. I'm not sure all it will contain...and I know there are websites already out there, but we want to do something. There are way too many people going through this hell and not enough resources...and the hospitals, as much as they're trying...they're just not doing all they can to help guide people in their decisions.

But I have NO idea where to start. I think we'd probably have to get a web designer on board, because I know just enough to be dangerous and Steve doesn't know about web stuff. Do any of you out there know of a good web designer in the area that won't cost too much? I guess that would be a good first start. I have an idea of what we want to do...I don't know...I just want to do something. I want to get out there…

ah ha...

In responding to a friends email this evening I think I had a small breakthrough. I've been so angry that I can't see straight. My emotional cup is so full that one more ounce of any sadness or anger or frustration, is too much for me to handle. Most days, though I'm sad, I'm OK. But when the moments come where my cup is running over...I crack a bit.

When I was grieving Jorai, I had Christ to cling to. And it was that relationship that truly saw me through the grief. When Selah died I let go of Christs' hand. I couldn't allow myself to lean on Him. I could barely utter His name...I still can't...and without that relationship, I can't see straight.

There's just something with my relationship with God that I can't let go of. The trust has melted away...the ability to see through my loss and hurt and see His love, has vanished. The warmth of my faith has frozen over. Maybe I need to blame someone for my losses...I don't know. I just …

misses

I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling Selah. I miss hope. I miss planning a future with 2 living children. I hate talking about pregnancies and it seems where ever I go, that's what people are talking about. It sucks. I want to be OK. I want to talk about my friends pregnancies. I want to think about a future. I want to have hope of a future. I want to feel movement within me.

I miss feeling OK. Most days I'm functioning alright. I'm dealing. I'm breathing. I'm sad, but I can still enjoy my life, my son. I can laugh and be OK with it. But then I have other days that aren't so great. Yesterday was one of them. Yesterday was complete and utter shit. Asher woke all too early, my nerves were shot and he was testing me each and every minute. I almost broke in the afternoon. After Asher decided to repeatedly hit me with the hose extension from our vacuum and then spit his chocolate milk directly into my face, I had it. I threw the hose thingy …

The joy of being a turtle

I often wish I was a turtle. More so while I'm traveling down the sorrow lined path. But I've always envied the ability to hide within one's self. I've mentioned before how Asher has found toddlerhood. How he's found temper tantrums and the word 'NO!'...which of course he has to say 3 times...3. How he also found his 'independence' and tests it on a minute to minute basis.

Today I wish I was a turtle. I want to pull my head back into my hard shell and escape from reality. I want to hide in the dark and quiet. I want to protect myself and retreat. I want to hold up my little white flag and surrender.

Asher woke at 6:30 this morning...and since a good night sleep for him requires a wake up call of 7:30-8:30ish...I can assure you that this morning has been FILLED with anger, crying...no...wait...sobbing, tantrums, and many a times where I've about lost it...it's just one of those mornings. One in which I would like to place him in fr…

guilt

When I catch myself truly laughing, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for feeling anything but sorrow. I know it's all part of the healing process, but it makes everything harder. As if my mind and spirit doesn't want me to be happy. And even saying that, makes me feel guilty.

I wonder why that is. I wonder why I feel guilty for every thing. I know both Jorai and Selah would want me to only feel joy, I know that it probably brings them happiness to see my joy...yet if I allow myself to laugh, right now I just feel guilt. That sucks.

Nursing through the stillness

I never thought I'd get to nurse my son again when I weaned him last October. So when Asher latched on the first time in 2 months, I was thrilled. I was excited to know that he was getting the sweet, nutritious and immunity filled nectar that God created for us to nourish our babes. And I was so happy to see how excited Asher was to nurse too. He asks to nurse around 6-7 times a day and hangs out for up to 30 minutes.

The problem?

My milk just isn't coming in. There's a little in there, but for the most part, all he's doing is sucking. Which is fine. He's happy, but I'd really like to be able to nourish him as well. So here's my question...what can I do? How can I increase my milk? I'm getting enough stimulation, I've been trying to drink enough water...should I try some herbs? Or should I just be happy with what he gets?

I have to admit that the whole thing kinda pisses me off. When we lost Jorai, my milk came in so much it was horribl…

The silence of stillbirth

I was watching a show today were a baby was born. It was loud. The baby came out screaming and there was happiness. That's how it should be. Labor should be joyous. It should contain some pain and pushing and after all that effort, out should pop a screaming child. When I watched the scene play out before me, I didn't recall the room full of screams and laughter when Asher came into the world, I remembered how still and silent the room was when Jorai and Selah came into it. I remembered the look of sorrow that stretched across Steve's face. And the pure and utter silence the swept over the room. I remember our doctor saying 'it's a girl' and being handed an all too tiny child, who was still, silent and limp. That's not what it should be. It's not. But it happens all too often.

The moment Asher came out of me, he was screaming. VERY loudly. As if God knew that I needed to hear a loud scream. Let me tell ya, he hasn't gotten any less b…

update on 'me'

I keep getting asked 'how are you?' And I understand the question. I realize why people ask it...I'd probably ask it...but how does one answer that? Do people really want to know. I mean, is it OK to say 'well, actually...quite shitty actually.' Or do they want to know that I'm OK? Is it time for me to feel OK? Do they think I should feel OK by now.

It's been 3 weeks, and I can't believe it's been 3 weeks. 3 weeks and 2 days since I was truly happy. 100% happy. 100% content. That's the truth. I've been broken for 3 weeks and 2 days. I've been torn apart. But I'm also doing OK. I'm breathing and living and I've been laughing...tonight I was laughing at Asher so hard I could barely breath. And when I looked over at Steve, he was too...and for a second, I think we were truly happy again...for a second.

I'm to the point where I'm still mad, but I know I need to let it go. I know that my madness will never…

miscarriages in movies

I never really noticed all the miscarriage scenes in movies before....or maybe it just never stuck, never felt so raw, but since losing Jorai and now Selah, it's a double edged sword. On one side, I like seeing it displayed on the big screen and think there should be more of it. I also think there should be more stories of couples who go through late term loss as well. More people should know just how often it happens. Which is approximately 1 in 115 births, which is roughly 26,000 stillbirths each year in the US alone, or on an average of one every 20 minutes. But then there's the other side. The side that reminds me that I hate seeing it. I hate remembering it. I hate hearing the words 'sorry, there's no heartbeat.'. Those words have echoed in my ears for the past 2 1/2 years. When I see a movie or read a book, I'm wanting to escape. I'm wanting to fall into the life of another. A happier life. A different life. I want to forget about my pai…

Toddlerhood

I think that being an at home mama rocks. It's so freakin' hard and at times that I think I'm about ready to lose it, but all in all, I know I've made the right decision. I love my friends. I love my neighborhood. I love being able to get out and allow Asher to be surrounded by so many different children and groups. I love never having to leave my child and I love being able to teach him and mold him and discipline him.

In saying that, we've hit toddlerhood and my world has been turned upside down. I'm not sure if it's solely Asher's determination and naughtiness, or if it's a combination of that and my short emotional breaking point as a result of my recent loss of Selah...but man has it gotten increasingly difficult over the past few weeks! OyVey! He's challenging! And I love it...it totally cracks me up. He keeps giving me this look like 'I'm so cool!' or 'Yes, I know you want that, but it's not gunna happen mama…

Judge not, want not.

I want to get to a point where I'm not judging every one's life, every one's joy. I want to look at my life and know that although I've gone through a ton of heartache and sorrow that I still have a kick ass life. I have so many blessings. An amazing husband who is supportive and loving and patient and kind, a wonderful son who some how makes my cheeks hurt everyday from smiling so much, a loving and supportive family and such a huge circle of amazingly awesome friends. We have good health and laughter fills our household. We have so many blessing and love to share. The 3 of us are happy. We're truly happy and we love each other so much. I need to hold onto that. I need to focus on that. And by NO way am I wanting to push Jorai or Selah's memory off to the side, I want to honor honor them and share their lives. They will always be a huge part of our lives. We'll celebrate their birthdays, celebrate "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance D…

It was a mistake.

Thankfully, testing was done on Selah and all the samples are in pathology. The nurse made a mistake...which we all do...but man, it's just the wrong person to have this happen to. I mean, if it were a mistake on my pap test or something, that would be one thing. But to have it happen to me like this, as I'm waiting for genetics testing and waiting to hear what Selah's tests tell us, it just sucks.

I'm just glad that it's over. This afternoon has been horrible. I couldn't stop thinking of her samples being lost. I couldn't help to think that all hope was lost. I'm so glad that there's still hope.

So we're still shooting for February 4th for our genetic counseling, where we'll go over Selah's test results and decide what we should do. We'll then go to get our tests.

Pissed, pissed, pissed

So I just got off the phone with the genetics lab...it seems that someone from my doctors office told them today that samples from Selah were never sent. NEVER SENT! What the hell? My doctor told me she took them and sent them herself. So where are they? The lady at the genetics lab told me that 'it's unfortunate' that samples weren't taken from either child. This is such bull shit. Sorry for the language...but they took samples. They were sent. Where are they? If samples weren't taken, if they weren't sent, if they were lost, we're screwed. We won't have answers.

This better be a mistake...I need to calm down...I'm losing it over here....I was doing so well keeping it all in, but it's pouring out like a river now. I mean, if we can't get answers, there's no way we can have more children. No way. This is so frustrating...why is everything happening to us right now?

This better be a mistake. I better get a call back today…

Nursing my boy

The last day I nursed Asher was November 1st, 2009. It was hard for me to take that away from my boy. He loved it so. But I was starting to hurt and knew that I couldn't keep it up.

When we lost Selah, I knew that I wanted to try nursing him again. I figured that my milk would come in, as it did with Jorai, and I'd be in severe pain for days. I knew I would have all this wonderful milk for my son, and maybe other babies in need. And I thought that even if my son didn't want to nurse, I could give it to him in a bottle so he would have all the nutrients and anti-bodies. A part of me thought this is what I would have to do...I thought if I tried to nurse him he would look up at me in horror and wonder what in the world I was trying to do.

Well, that didn't happen. The moment I offered him my breast on December 21st, he hasn't been able to get enough. He asks for it all the time and would camp out there for hours if I'd let him. He normally cries when I…

Helping or hurting?

While talking to my sister-in-law today, I learned that 2 years ago, my 7 year old nephew, decided that he's never having children after learning that Jorai passed. Now in context, He had learned of his other cousin's passing just a few months earlier...and then Jorai...but he was only 7. 7, and already making the decision to not have children. And now Selah...

My brother and sister-in-law have yet to tell their 2 kids about Selah. She wanted my opinion on what to do...what do you do? She wants to honor Selah's life, but she doesn't want to scare her children either. Those kids have lost 3 of their cousins in 3 years. 1 died of trisomy 18 just hours after his birth and then Jorai and Selah. 3. I then learned that a 10 year old boy died of leukemia last fall in their community. How much death needs to touch my family? It just doesn't make sense.

And how do you tell a 7 and 9 year old about another cousin that has died? How do you tell them without making…

thoughts

Is it wrong to want to get pregnant right away? Does that diminish Selah's life? Her memory? I don't want to diminish her life. I want to glorify it. I want to honor her. But I also want get this genetic testing under way so we know what we're dealing with and then if we can get pregnant and deliver another healthy baby, I want to do it.

It's actually kinda strange. I was excited to have Selah in our lives, but I was also so scared to have 2 babies under 2. Now, after losing Selah, I can't wait to get pregnant again. I want to give Asher a sibling. I don't want them to be so far apart in age. I want, I want, I want...yeah, I'm complaining...My ears are bleeding just typing this...but it's all so hard. And it hurts hearing that people are pregnant. I mean it's wonderful, but it's also a stab in the gut.

And what's hard is knowing that people have baby after baby, or have a baby, but never wanted a child, or that can't afford th…

Strength

I keep hearing how strong I am. What does that mean? Where does that come from? Is it because I'm not in a drunken stupor? Is it because I'm not in a comatose state? Dead? Is it because I can walk around with a smile? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm not strong. I'm actually quite weak. See what people don't know...what they don't see, is that I'm falling apart most of the time. I'm on edge. I'm snippy with my husband. I'm short with Asher and am not making his days as fun as I should be. I lose my cool with him at times...I shouldn't. I always feel like crap afterwords. Most nights I numb myself with wine...which of course doesn't take much...maybe only a half a glass...but still. I walk around void of emotions and hermit myself within my home. My faith is weak. I feel like I'm falling off the edge. I can't even pray. I can't muster it. I tried last night. But I was so mad to be talking to …

2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks since to heard those words again. No heartbeat. 2 weeks. It seems like months ago, yet only seconds as well. How can that be? How can time seem so slow yet so fast? 2 weeks.

I still look pregnant. I see people looking down at my belly and wondering...Nothing fits. I have to wear my pregnancy pants and all my shirts show a pooch. I hate this. It's like a cruel joke. It's like someone is saying 'hey, let me take your child from you and I'll make you hurt like you've never hurt before, make you bleed for weeks, and everyone will still think you're pregnant because you'll still look that way.'.

Thanks.

I saw two girls at church tonight. They looked like they were 2ish and 4ish. I ached for my girls to be with us. Asher kept going up to them during worship to show off his dancing skills. He continually sat next to the older girl. I could only imagine him sitting next to his older sister or trying to teach his younger si…

empty

I forgot how empty I felt after losing Jorai. I was lying in bed last night and for some reason, as I stretched out on my back, I instinctively placed my hands on my now empty belly and I instantly remembered how empty I feel. Totally and utterly empty. My womb is silent. There are no kicks. No flips. No little baby bottoms trying to push their way out. Just emptiness.

The past few days have been surprisingly 'easy'. We've been having more friends visit and the days just don't seem so hard. Of course I still miss Selah, and Jorai, tremendously and the hurt is still so painful. But everyday life seems to be getting easier. Which in a way brings it's own sense of guilt. I was incapacitated for so much longer after we lost Jorai...there's a part of me that thinks, why aren't I hurting as badly? But then I remember that there are so many different factors this time around. The pain is still real and sorrow still sweeps in, but it's different.…