bummed

30 June 2008

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i'm having a rough day today. it started good, but now i'm just bummed. asher's rash is getting worse. which makes me think we are dealing with thrush. my right breast hurts quite a bit too. it comes and goes...it seems to get worse towards the end of the day, with shooting pain even after the feeding is done. it's just strange because my left side doesn't hurt. and i guess i just thought that if i had thrush, both sides would hurt. i also noticed a small white spot in ashers mouth today. he wouldn't open for me again, so i have to wait until he open wide again before i can check it out again...then the bad news...his bilirubin levels went back up. we're back in the 15's. 15.6 which pretty much proves that i have breastfeeding jaundice...which means i have an enzyme in my breast milk that prevents asher's liver to properly remove the bilirubin...which will probably mean that i'll have to supplement with formula for 48 hours...which sucks! it makes me feel like a failure as a mother. my milk is making him sick. how horrible is that? the crazy thing is that he's gaining weight like crazy. he's up to 9lbs 3 oz. at least my milk is making him fat...

i know i should be happy because i have this amazing son, who's, well, amazing. for the most part he's healthy. he's happy, but this process has been so hard for me to go through. watching him get pocked day after day. spending day after day attached to this crazy uv contraption. now watching a rash spread over his sensitive parts... i guess i just thought that with everything we went through with Jorai, that God would smile down on us and give us a break. which i hate to even say, because He did. He gave us asher. and that's beautiful and wonderful and i'm in awe of His blessings...but to also have this on-going struggle with jaundice and now thrush, it's just starting to get to my emotions. i feel drained. on the verge of tears. i wanted breastfeeding to go so well, and now i can barely sit when asher latches on to my right breast. i want to jump up and scream. i want to cry when i see his rash and feel him tense up when he gets his blood drawn. and now i may have to supplement with formula and introduce a bottle and risk losing the ability to breastfeed all together. i don't know...it pisses me off.

what i need to keep in the forefront of my thoughts is that asher's here. he's amazing. he's, for the most part, healthy and happy. and i've gotten what i've been praying for, for years. a child. a beautiful, wonderful, amazing child.

it's just been so hard to have this vision of having a wonderful breastfeeding experience, only to have it not happen the way i envisioned. and then to see him in discomfort. i hope that after the jaundice subsides and the thrush is cured and the diaper rash looks even a little less severe, that my vision of breastfeeding becomes my reality and my son can thrive in peace, rather than in the throws of nurses and blood draws and a mama who cries when she breastfeeds.

sorry, i don't want this to become a sob story. i really
do feel blessed to simply have asher here with us. our problems are so minuscule. i just needed to get this out. thanks for listening...

asher pics~week tres

28 June 2008

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see the individual photo's with commentary here.

time management

26 June 2008

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i'm really starting to realize how difficult it can be to be a mom who gets anything done, let alone can get herself done. it seems as if the moment i get a moment to myself, i need to eat...since it's been hours. so i make something to eat, but as soon as it's done, asher's up and wants to be fed or held. so the food stays on the stove. then another naps comes and i make a mad dash to the wash or try to pick up the house only to grab a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize how hideous i look. with my hair all matted and still in the same clothes as i was 3 days ago, asher wakes up. another feeding, another diaper change...maybe some cool awake time and then cuddle time followed by another nap...then there's a choice...do i eat, finish the laundry, pick up the house, or do something with myself? oh, wait, that was a quick nap! asher's crying again...

then with the days where i have an appointment...trying to get ready, get asher ready and get out of the house and to the appointment on time? wow. i never knew it could be so hard...i hate being late...but i'm starting to become late.

i know it'll get easier and i'll find asher's schedule and be able to intertwine it with mine, but for now, it's hard. right now i'm thinking that there's laundry upstairs to fold, but asher's downstairs...i want to bathe the poo off my child, but he's sleeping and i don't want to wake him...i did get to eat, after it sat on the stove for 45 minutes...so now, do i clean the kitchen as i wait for him to wake? bring the laundry downstairs to fold? get the bath stuff ready? i know it's just a mater of time before he wakes again...steve's at his ministry meeting and i love this alone time with asher. but it's hard to get much done. but man do i love every second.

just don't laugh at my appearance the next time you see me. just smile and tell me i look beautiful. please. if you don't, i'll probably cry!

good baby news

asher's bilirubin is down to 14.4! 14 is the magic number...we're not fully there yet, but the doc is hopeful and has taken us off the bili-light and stopped the heel pokes until monday. hopefully monday he'll be way below 14 and we'll never have to deal with the bili-blanket again! at least, that's what i'm praying for.

he's also already up to 8lbs 10ozs...he gained 4 ozs in 2 days! yikers!! this boy can eat. in fact today he's been in a fit to be tied, which is bizarre, since he's usually so laid back, and all he wants is to eat and be held. mostly eat. i don't even know if he's getting anything because he's feeding so often...but i let him eat anyway.

i'm not sure, but i may have the beginning signs of thrush. i guess you can get it from taking antibiotics. the doc says asher's fine and i look good, but since i'm sore and a bit red, i've started on probiotics to up my good bacteria. we'll see if that helps.

i got pee'd on at the doc's today. when we took asher's diaper off to weigh him, we found a mess, so i carried him back into the exam room in a towel. when we got inside, he started wailing for milk, so i decided to latch him on. that must have made him relax, because all of a sudden i felt very warm and wet and then felt splashes on my foot. he soaked me quite well! little stinker. i had to walk out of the office all wet. then, when we got home, he proceeded to fill his diaper again. when i changed him, he managed to get it all over his feet and legs! my word! guess it's a bath night!

he has a little heat rash going on in his nether regions too that the doc told us to just 'air out'...air out? with all the pooping and peeing going on, i'm afraid to 'air him out'! i know they make a pee pee tee pee, do they make a poop catcher too?

jeremiah 1:5

25 June 2008

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have you ever thought about the scripture in jeremiah that says "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world." God spoke those words to jeremiah, but do they reflect on all of us? did He really know all of us before we were born? does He really have plans for us all? if so, why does He take babies away before they're born. if He knows them, why create them in the womb only to take them away before they're born?

i know these are questions i'll never hear the answer to until i get to ask the Man Himself...i'm just curious. did he know Jorai? did he know Jayden and Charlie? did he have plans for them? steve likes to think that maybe He takes the babies that He wants to stay pure, untouched by this fallen world. that explanation makes me feel warm and fuzzy. to think that Jorai will never be tainted by this world...but then does that mean that He cares more for Jorai than He does for Asher? i know He doesn't...i'm just thinking out loud...why take one child after creating them perfectly, only to give another? is it just that Jorai and asher have different roles in His ultimate plan? do they simply have different marks to make on this world?

i can't wait to find out just what this scripture means...how did He know me? was i a spirit before He created me in my mother's womb? or did He just have the thought of me...what His plans are for me...

anyway, just wondering if you had any thoughts.

alone

24 June 2008

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it's 9pm and we're alone! we're in our house and it's quiet and all ours. i know my mom in law hated to leave. this is her first grand child and she's super excited about him. but it feels so good to have my house back. i was starting to get flustered and emotional with always having someone here. i know that sounds totally selfish and bad of me to say, but it's true. i'm glad we're finally alone. i'd still love friends to come and visit, but there's something totally different about that. they leave. i don't wake up to them in my house. i don't have to cater to them and clean up after them...it's good to be alone.

i'm going to a le leche league meeting tomorrow. i'm taking asher off the blanket for 2 hours. i think he'll be fine. i'll just double dose him in the sun tomorrow. it'll be very, very nice to get out of the house!

jaundice update

asher's jaundice level was 15.8 today. it was 15.6 yesterday. this is really getting frustrating! we got him in the sun twice already today and the rest of the time he's been tethered to the bili-light. he's still eating like a champ, obviously since he gained another 1.5 ounces since yesterday...i just wish he could get off this light. we're still going to the e.l. concert series on friday to hear brandon and laura play and going to riv on saturday whether they want us to stay on the light or not. i need to get out soon or i'll go crazy! plus, i know he's healthy and doing great. since he's got tons of energy and a healthy appetite, i know he's doing well...if he wasn't so hungry or if he was lethargic, i'd be more concerned...but maybe we won't have to worry about the weekend. maybe he'll be down to 14 by friday. they're giving him a day off on the blood draws. thanks goodness. his poor heals look so bad. our next draw will be thursday. we also have an appointment with the doc on thursday...so we'll see what she thinks.

these past few weeks have been so crazy. i never thought we'd ever be taking our child to the doctor so much in his first year! it's kinda frustrating! at least they're not pumping him with formula or antibiotics though. i want him to stay clear of antibiotics for as long as possible.

will post more pictures soon. he's already growing so much!

better dayz

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it's amazing what a few hours will do for a mama's emotional turmoil. i hot shower, a brief talk with my amazing husband and a few hours of shut eye and voila! asher's latch on seems to be better, which is a relief! i still have a little discomfort, but i'm not ready to scream when he latches on, and i'm not ready to fall down in a temper tantrum and cry. i know i'll have another breakdown, probably soon...but i just have to remember this feeling and know that the breakdown will pass.

my mom in law is leaving tonight. is it bad of me to say that i can't wait? we haven't been alone since we got into the hospital 13 days ago. and though my folks were a huge help and we got along swimmingly, which is surprising, my mil was mostly interested in holding asher. which didn't help me much at all. so i'm just really excited to get my son back and start figuring things out on my own without having to make breakfast for my mil.

as i write this i realize how wonderful it is that my family doesn't know this blog exists...it helps me get my thoughts and feelings out with holding back...i don't know if that's a good thing or not...and if they ever find this and back read posts, they may get a bit hurt...but it sure feels great to get things off my chest.

the bummer, is that i have to make a separate blog for my family to read up on asher...but it's worth it. a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do...

btw, my little man gained another 1.5 ounces since yesterday! what a big boy! pretty soon this child of ours will be a beefcake!

emotional basket case

23 June 2008

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i've cried 3 times today...over little things. i feel silly and discombobulated and exhausted. i want a stiff drink. i don't know if it's the loss of hormones, or lack of sleep, flaming nipples (or i guess ya call them tits), the whole jaundice thing or just feeling out of sorts since i haven't had my house to myself in 11 days. but i'm emotional. big time.

i don't know if i'm doing something wrong or if asher is latching on wrong, but i never knew breast-feeding could be so painful. i want to cry every time he latches on. i'm not bleeding nor do i have sores, but it's so painful, i now know why some women quit in the first few weeks. i'm going to a le leche league meeting on wednesday, so i hope i can get some support there.

on the diaper front, i have really enjoyed the bum genius diapers, but i have to admit that the kissaluvs, that got such good ratings for newborns, i really don't like so much. they soak up the urine but i feel like he's just wearing a wet rag. if i knew exactly when he goes, i think i'd like them more...but when i wait a couple hours to change him, he's a sopping mess. the bum genius do a better job of wicking the wetness away.

i can't wait to get my house to ourselves again. i feel blessed to have family that want to help, but it's time to start figuring things out on our own. to have my house back.

i always knew that bringing a child into this world would change our lives dramatically, but i never knew it could change so much. one thing i truly miss is just the closeness between steve and i. i miss cuddling and talking about the day. i miss laughing and just enjoying one another. we've been so tired that all of our energy is poured into asher. which is good and i know there will come a day, hopefully soon, that we'll get things all together and be able to focus more time on each other. but it's hard right now. steve's been falling asleep before i even get to bed, since i'm feeding and changing asher...and when he gets home from work, he's so tired that he just wants to grab asher and relax with him...which i totally understand. but i do miss our closeness. i can't wait to get that back.

i have to admit that i thought that no matter what emotional turmoil i was going through, that after losing Jorai, i would just feel blessed to have a healthy and happy child. and i am. don't get me wrong. i just feel bad having these emotional breakdowns with such a wonderful blessing lying next to me.

maybe i just need a hot shower and some tea.

the boy can eat!

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my wee lil' boy gained 6 ounces in 2 days. wowza! he's up to 8lbs 5ozs. 12 days ago, he was 7lbs 12 oz. 9 days ago, he dropped down to 7 lbs 5ozs...they've been watching his weight because i guess jaundicy babies have a hard time gaining weight...looks like asher is just fine!

he had another heel poke today. i think he's fed up with them now. he was pretty pissed off. which i would be too..he's been poked over 10 times since being born. his little heels have multiple poke marks. i feel for the boy. i'm hoping for a small bili number today. i'll post when i find out the results.

asher update

22 June 2008

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i want to get outside and walk off some of this baby weight! but since asher is still hooked up to this bili-tether, i'm stuck inside. although it looks like we may actually have some sun come through the clouds today so we'll be able to get outside for some real uv treatment.

i'm feeling frumpy. my tummy is more jiggly than i thought it was going to be. of course both of my sister in laws were the girls who could fit into their pre-pregger pants the day they left the hospital...and, well, i'm not going to be like that...unfortunately. some of the hospital pics show my lovely double chin i grew with asher...so that doesn't help the self esteem. not that i'm complaining. i'd have gained 100 pounds as long as asher came out healthy and happy...but i do feel frumpy.

we spent 2 hours at sparrow lab today getting another blood sample from asher to check his bili levels...they're still at 16. i'm starting to get frustrated. tomorrow night will mark a week on this thing and he's only dropped 6 points. i really hope to get this cleared up soon. i'm kinda bummed.

awkward

21 June 2008

my father in law just asked me if my tits were sore.

my tits...

how do i respond to that?

not only is that a very awkward question to ask your daughter in law, but to also use the words tit...

i'm tired and a bit emotional, so my response probably wasn't the best...but i told him that i don't talk about his penis, so he shouldn't talk about my breasts...but yes, my nipples are tender.

how awkward...

asher pics

20 June 2008

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here are some pics taken over the past week...i can't believe he's 9 days old already!! what a big boy! btw, he's was up to 7lbs 15ozs this morning and his bili-rubin is down to 16.5...we have to continue the bili-blanket for the weekend and go to the hospital both saturday and sunday to get his blood drawn...but i'm hoping that monday will be the end of this. a girl can always hope.

enjoy the pics...



to see the actual pics, go here

Jorai and asher

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i see Jorai in asher. when i look at asher's face i see Jorai's features. it makes me wonder what she would have looked liked if she lived. it makes me wonder what her temperament would have been like. what our lives would have been like if she lived. but then i feel a bit guilty because if she would have lived, my beautiful boy wouldn't be here. and i would never want to change that. it's such a hard thing to be a mama of a child who didn't make it out of the womb alive. you miss the child and want them back, but if they were here, you wouldn't have the blessings you have today.

asher is an awesome baby. totally awesome. i could stare at him for hours, kiss him all day and talk to him all night. i love him with all my heart. it amazing. he's amazing. i wouldn't do anything to not have him here...but i still miss my baby girl too. and looking at my beautiful sons face, i see my beautiful daughter. and that tears at my heart a bit.

but then, i see is my son and feel his warmth and hear his whimpers and all i feel is the deepest love for him.

jaundice update

19 June 2008

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i hit another bottom, but then it was ok...

when we went to the doc this morning she told me that i'd have to start giving asher supplemental feedings of formula for the next 24-48 hours. ugh, i was devastated. our doc thought that we had the breastfeeding form of jaundice which i guess happens in a few people who have an enzyme in their breast milk that hinders the breakdown of bilirubin...i was so mad...

so she prescribed me a breast pump and supplemental nurser and my mom and i made our way to the med. supply place to pick them up. my insurance didn't cover a breast pump...so that was going to be almost $100 and then the supplemental nurser was going to be about $50. even more angered, i called the doc back and asked what to do...the nurse told me to leave because she didn't want me to spend that much for 2 days of breast pumping and that she'd talk to the doc.

in the car on the way home, my home nurse called to tell me that asher's bilirubin was down to 17! he went down by 3!!! yea!!! so the doc was happy and allowed us to wait on the supplemental feeding for another day to see if his bilirubin goes down any more. that made me happy!!!

please pray that it continues to go down. we'd love for him to get this out of his system, off the bili-blanket and far, far away from any formula! thanks for all your prayers so far! more updates to come....

jaundice update

18 June 2008

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although i was optimistic this morning when the at home nurse came to check on asher and thought he couldn't be more than 18, when we got our results back he was actually 20.9. yesterday his bilirubin was 20.6. so he actually went back up a bit. the doctor wants to see him tomorrow morning, so we'll see what she says. i'm pretty bummed. he was looking so good and he's still eating and pooping like a champ...i just don't know why it's going up. i want to be able to take him outside but he's attached to this silly bili-blanket contraption with a 3 foot cord. i want him to get better. please pray for him. i'll give y'all an update after our doctors appointment tomorrow.

other than that, i'm trying to adjust to momma time...it's hard to get all together with a little one! and really, i just spend my days staring at this wonderful child of mine.

jaundice and such

17 June 2008

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asher has jaundice. bummer. his bilirubin was 10 when we left the hospital which is normal, but it was 22.5 on monday. we had to get a bili-blanket for him which is this ultra-violet light thing he has to have on his back 24/7. it's attached to a machine that makes it run so i have to lug it around every where...but it seems to be working. his bilirubin was down to 20 today and he had only been wearing it for about 17 hours. our doc was nervous about the initial high level so she asked for us to get a cbc and blood culture. she was worried about infection since i was group b strep, but all seems ok.

i had a bit of a meltdown today...scared of the outcome of all of this...but i'm better. i just feel bad for my boy. he continually has to get poked and prodded and i just hate it.

other than that, these past few days have been wonderful. i never thought i could be so in love. asher is a snuggle bunny. he'd rather be held than anything else. when i try to put him in his co-sleeper at night, he cries. as soon as i pick him up and place him on my chest, he falls asleep. so i've spend most nights with my boy asleep on my chest. it feels so wonderful to feel his closeness and warmth. and when he looks at me with those big blue eyes of his, i melt.

i'm tired...he likes to eat and wake momma up in the middle of the night every hour or so, but i have to admit, as tired as i am, i'm loving every second. i know i should be napping more, but i haven't been. feeding is going well. he's been eating like a champ. he's not sure about baths...his circumcision is healing which is a wonderful thing. i know we made the right decision for us, but i was devastated every time i changed his diaper and saw how red and raw he was. poor little punkin'. i'm healing too. still a little tender in parts, but for the most part, i'm doing well. i'm just truly happy and feel blessed and he's just such a joy. such a miracle. i'm truly in love. i want to enjoy and remember every second of this time!

asher's birth story

13 June 2008

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well...it all started at 3pm on wednesday june 11th, 2008. i decided to take 3 tablespoons of caster oil. and to be honest, i'm not sure if that really did anything or not...most of me thinks i was simply ready to go,but i'll never truly know. after eating my shake with caster oil i got on my birthing ball to bounce. after bouncing i rolled to the front to squat and watch a bit of tv. as i was squatting i immediately came to notice that there was a lot of pressure in my nether regions. so much so, that i had to change positions because it felt as if a bowling ball was falling though my vagina. but for some reason, i pushed it off as nothing and went about my day.

at about 7:30 steve and i headed downstairs to enjoy some thai food and a movie. as soon as i sat down, i felt a small gush of liquid and a contraction started. neither was big. the contraction felt the same as they always have...like mild menstrual cramps and the gush was strange but nothi
ng huge. i quickly realized that the 'cramps' were coming pretty steadily so i started to count them. they came every 2-3 minutes and lasted about 38-40 seconds. i timed them for an hour and a half and then went upstairs to do some chores thinking that they might go away, but they didn't...so at 9pm i called my doula. she thought that this could be the start of labor...but i was skeptical...i'd been here before...contractions felt the same as i've had in the past, so she suggested that steve and i go out for a walk to see if they went away. we walked around the neighborhood, stopping when the contractions hit but really not having a huge issue with them...and then we got home...

immediately after our walk though, i realized that the contractions were worse...but in my mind i was still thinking that this may be the work of the caster oil and that the diarrhea was simply about to hit. i called my doula back again and told her the contractions were still coming about
2-3 minutes and lasting about 38-40 seconds but the strength of them were starting to get worse. i asked if we should go to the hospital but she thought that we were still in the beginning stages of labor but that she'd start on her way to our house...she lives an hour and a half away.

there was some thing in me that was telling me that this was false labor but something stronger was telling me that this was it and that i should go into the hospital. but i agreed with the doula and still thought that this was the beginning of labor and that i would have a lengthy labor as my mom had.

why don't i ever listen to my inner voice?!? at about 10ish i went to the bathroom and lost my mucus plug..blood and all...wow...this was the first time that i realized that i may actually be in labor! from 10-10:30ish the contractions started to get bad but i was getting through them when all of a sudden my stomach clenched and bore down...i was pushing! i was in my living room and i was pushing! this was not happening! i tried to stay calm, but i don't think i achiev
ed the sense of calm i was going for because as soon as i said 'we have to go to the hospital.' steve went into 5th gear. thankfully he had already packed the car! we jumped in and he slammed on the gas.

the entire way to the hospital i was trying my hardest not to push, but i was so afraid and the urge was so strong that i almost called 911 to pick us up. we got to the hospital and pulled into valet parking...it was closed! we backed out and ran into the er valet. the extremely slow valet attendant told us where to park and brought me a wheel chair. steve thought he'd take everything into the hospital with us, including the birth-ball! but i quickly said that i didn't think we'd be needing the birth ball and that we just need to get me into the hospital!! so steve took a hold of the wheelchair and started booking down the halls. i was just clenching my legs together as steve ran through the halls. i thought for sure that we we're going to run into one of the walls as he rounded the corners. i was seriously s
cared! but he did an amazing job and we quickly made it to triage.

the triage tech was on the phone as we arrive. as another contraction hit and the urge to push hit even harder, steve opened the glass himself and yelled in to the nurses that i was in labor...no response...after a few minutes, the tech finally decided to help us and walked us into triage. she then asked for my insurance card and drivers license. ugh! you've got to be kidding me! after another few moments waiting for her to make copies she then asked me to give her a urine sample. as i waddled into the bathroom, pulled my pants down, straddled the toilet and held the urine cup out for collection, my water broke. all over...i looked at the cup and thought 'ok, what do i do now, all that's in here is amniotic fluid?'...so i pulled my pants back up and walked to my triage room, all the while, my water was still streaming down my legs...i'm sure i left a trail!

when i got into the triage room, the very young doc asked me to undress and change into a gown. i immediately started undressing even as the door was wide open and just beyond the door stood 2 male doctors...at this point, i knew i needed to get checked right away so i really could care less! although the doc was surprised that i was in such a hurry...that is, until she checked me and quickly exclaimed 'you're 10 centimeters dilated and at station 1!' she then dropped a few instruments and ran to the door to yell down the hall 'she's 10 +1, call the doctor, the baby is coming!' she swung back around and started pushing me into labor and delivery...which she really couldn't do. she kept almost ramming me into the walls, so steve threw down our suitcase and helped her push me into the room.

when we arrived at our delivery room there were probably 10 people crammed into the room. i had to change beds and by the time i was checked again i heard her exclaim 'the baby's crowing!' for reference, this was a
pproximately 20 minutes after getting to the hospital.

miraculously, our doctor was at frandor when she got the call that i was in labor, so she made it just in time. i pushed for about 10 minutes which was very scary. i've never felt such pain. usually the baby slides in and out of the birth canal to help widen the entrance, in my case, there was no in and out action...just the out at a rapid speed!

asher also decided to come into this world with his fist up against his face which caused a bit of tearing within me...that sucked...i actually felt myself tear. but then the pain was gone and i heard this huge scream and the doctor say that we have a son and then a warm, wet little body was placed on my tummy. how cool! these huge blue eyes were looking at me for the first time. seeing him brought me a joy i just can't explain. how amazing. this child was just within me and now, he's here. staring at me! how cool!!!


my contractions started at approximately 7:30 pm...we delivered asher at 11:28! 4 hours! and only 10 minutes of pushing! wowza! we almost didn't make it to the hospital in time! but we did! thanks goodness! and what joy! our doula made it about 30-40 minutes after the birth! but i'm glad she was there to ring in the celebration!

shortly after, i delivered my placenta and the doctor started suturing me up. all the while, i was just staring at my son but then i looked up and saw tears falling from steve's eyes. how wonderful to see those tears! tears of joy rather than of loss. he was so excited, so proud.

i'm in love with both of my boys. i swear i have the most amazing man as my husband and perfect boy for my son. asher is truly amazing.


more to come...but here's asher...note the hand position in the second photo...this is how he came out!































i did it

11 June 2008

i finally did it. i wasn't going to...it scares me to think of what may be coming...but i did it.

i just downed 3 tablespoons of caster oil.

from what i've read, you should take 4-8 tb of the stuff...i took 3...i didn't want to go too far and have too many of the bad stuff come...but i wanted to at least try. so we'll see...they say if it works, i should start seeing results in 4-12 hours...i keep contracting on and off. again last night i thought i was starting labor, but as soon as i went upstairs, they left. so i decided to bite the bullet.

today, i bounced on my ball...i just downed the oil and tonight i'm going for a walk with my rockin' husband. lets see if something happens tonight. i would love to forgo my dr appointment tomorrow!

baby update

10 June 2008

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well, here we sit on d-day...june 10, 2008...my 'official' due date. and...i'm not in labor. but alas. the babe is still healthy and kicking and germinating and i just need to be patient already!

had a dr's appointment today where i had a non-stress test which was 'reactive'..that's a good thing, a biophysical profile ultrasound where the babe scored a 10/10...another good thing and then a brief talk with my dr.

i really like my dr, but i'm honestly starting to have reservations. anything that happens that either doesn't fit into 'my plans' or my birth plan, she'll say 'see, i told you not to make a birth plan!' she said this today as she walked into my exam room...as if i put an earlier due date on my birth plan...and as if i should have no thought process or wants in my birthing process. it's almost as if she's trying to make me feel bad for wanting certain things. and then today, she all of a sudden and totally out of no where started talking to me about pitocin. i don't even know why she started talking about it...the only thing i can gather is it's her way to start talking about the possibility of induction which would piss me of since i'm 40 weeks today...i wouldn't consider that past due!

when i explained to her how i really don't want pitocin, she started telling me how pitocin doesn't change the progress of labor...that you labor how you labor whether you've been given pitocin or not...which totally doesn't make sense since you're given pitocin to start, progress and accelerate labor. when i had it with Jorai, i had no down time in between my contractions and i've heard that from many, many other moms who have had it. when i was in labor with Jorai, i couldn't even tell i was ready to push because for over an hour i had 1 continuous contraction so i couldn't feel any other pressure other than the contraction. do dr's think patients are that naive? she know's i do research, she was the one who delivered Jorai, so she knows i had pitocin last time...really? you think you can tell me the pitocin doesn't change labor and i'll believe it? wow. seriously? i was shocked and i kinda lost a bit of respect for her...which totally sucks.

she wants me to come back on thursday for another appointment. i really don't know what to do if she pushes me to get induced...will she back down if i tell her no? or will i have to change dr's? can i change dr's? if i'm 2 weeks over or the babe is struggling or i'm struggling, i can understand being induced...but already hinting at it the day i turn 40 weeks, kinda pisses me off.

other than that...all is fine. kix is great and i can wait to meet him/her. still trying natural remedies...i've been contracting on and off all day but as always, nothing rhythmic. we'll see...i think the babe dropped even more last night. all last night and intermittently today i've been having strange, sharp pains in my lower regions that i won't go into...but they're strange...my doc thinks it's from the baby going further into position..i've also lost 2 pounds which i guess is common in women about to give birth.

stay tuned for more updates!

hypnobabies

09 June 2008

i feel asleep again practicing my hypnosis for the birth...i actually stopped practicing because every time i listened to my hypnobabies tape, i fall asleep. i figured that it must not be working since i can't even stay awake through them to practice, so what's the point. the other night i decided to start listening to the birthing day tapes, thinking that maybe it would spark contractions...all it sparked was dreamland. again this afternoon i tried again...fell asleep.

but then it got me thinking...will this happen when i'm in actual labor? while contractions are coming, i wonder if i'll still be able to fall asleep...i wonder...if i can't stay awake and deal with the pressure, maybe i could just sleep through it all...a girl can wish can't she?!?

guess we'll see soon..

project runway

for about a week, dish network gave us the bravo channel. of course i didn't realize it was a preview of the channel...which was a total bummer when we lost it, but alas...one of the shows i saw was project runway. i've heard some positive things about the show, so i thought i'd tivo it. i got the last half of season 4 before they took the channel away from us...those 6 episode got me totally hooked. what an amazing show. i watched season 2 and 3 last week and just downloaded season 1 today...i've watched 3 already. i'm so obsessed.

i just saw that the new season starts in july, which is cool, but of course i can't watch it since i don't have the channel...if you get bravo, check it out. i know, i know, it's a designer show...all people do is make clothes...but it's so cool! they have these crazy challenges like making a party dress out of only things you can buy at the grocery store. plus the people on the show are hilarious! and a lot of them are actually, really cool people too...steve will actually sit down and watch it with me, which is remarkable since he won't sit through many of the shows i like...it's so cool...go check it out.

plus tim gunn, who's the co-host, is hilarious...you could watch the show just for him!!


i'm ok now.

steve took me to bangkok house for lunch today to pack in the spicy food. although i ordered mild..you know bangkok.. and i was on fire. my mouth was flaming, i was sweating and my nose was running so much that i though i suddenly had a sinus infection!

i came home and did pelvic rocks and bounced on my birthing ball and now i'm running off to kroger to pick up some pineapple...i've heard that can induce labor as well.

i was thinking about having my membranes stripped, but have decided against it. i've read some research that there's an increase of stillbirth in women who have group b strep. so that scared me away from that.

i have a dr's appointment tomorrow. they're doing another ultrasound to check the babys' size. which kinda scares me. i know this child is already a bigger baby. i just don't want my doctor to start giving me time lines on when i have to birth. i'm afraid that she may start talking about induction or c-section...that would totally bum me out...if i have to, i'll go down that road, but i don't want my dr. to jump on that bandwagon just yet.

i'm getting more comfortable about still being pregnant. i think my problem last week was that i had about 5 people tell me that they thought i was going to deliver last week and i listened. i should never have listened. we wanted the babe to come on june 5...and that didn't happen, so that bummed me out and then as each day passed i just got more and more bummed. tomorrow is my original due date...i need to remember that!

so i've changed my thoughts. this kid is unique and stubborn and knows when to be born. who am i to put time limits on him/her. i need to be patient. i thought i was...but i wasn't...obviously! so, we're still trying to naturally induce me..but i need to stop complaining about nothing happening. i need to be ok with this childs' time line.

although i want to meet our child and get rid of some of this back pain and pelvis pain...i need to be patient. so, i'm going to try to be patient these last few days-weeks. i need to be...because if i'm not...i'm going to be a cranky preggerzilla and i just don't want that!

freak-out

08 June 2008

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last night i had a bit of a freak-out. at about 10 i suddenly realized that i couldn't remember if i'd felt the baby move in the past hour or so. i remembered feeling hiccups, but then there was nothing. i laid down and started probing my belly trying to get a reaction but there was none. i started panicking. all the emotions of losing Jorai flooded back to me in a single moment. the ride to the hospital, the long ride up the elevator, lying on the exam table, the still heart being displayed on the screen. i thought i was going to have to re-live my deepest fear. i was wondering if i should call steve or just go into the hospital. i didn't know if i should wait a bit longer or run to the hospital.

i decided to drink some juice and wait a bit longer. about 10 minutes later i felt the first couple soft kicks. i was relieved, but i still didn't believe that the baby was ok. it wasn't until 5 minutes later or so that i finally felt some stronger kicks and started feeling ok.

i can't describe the feeling of thinking i've lost another child and then realizing that the baby was still ok. it was devastating one second, and beautiful the next. i hate having the knowledge and experience of loss. it's always on my mind. always right there behind the joy.

i simply feel relieved and blessed to have this child alive, within me now. i feel truly blessed.

sweaty sweatball

07 June 2008

i don't know if it's a pregnancy thing or what, but i'm sweating my arse off! i went outside twice today and melted both times. ridiculous! steve left for a show in jackson tonight and i wanted to get to church,but i just couldn't muster putting myself together. i'm greasy and gross, my hairs crazy and steve says 'just go like that.'...it nice to have a husband who loves me for me...but thankfully for all of you, i chose not to go. i tried to whip up something with myself, but it didn't work, plus i just feel swampy...so here i sit. knowing i'm missing an amazing last message in the old building ala noel. but oh well...maybe they taped it.

so i'm going to enjoy maybe my last alone night for a while. i'm going to do some exercises and take a long shower and just relax in the quietness of the house. i always miss steve when he's not here, but there's something special about being home alone at night.

i've had some small contractions today, but nothing with any rhythm. i've been in a bit of a funk that i've been trying to get out of. i think it's more bout just feeling so darn uncomfortable now and i just can't find anything that i want to do. but sitting around isn't fun either. and sitting, standing and lying all hurt, so it's hard. not that i'm complaining, but it's hard to want to be doing something when you're just so tired of feeling tight. my back is really starting to hurt. i'm hoping it's nothing permanent. it feels like a pinched nerve and when i get up from sitting or lying it actually takes me a bit to move my legs. it sucks.

the house is clean, the nursery is set, the bags are packed, the laundry's done...i want to put the garden in, but it's hard for me to bend over with my back...i could start learning how to play piano...hmmmm...and i do need to vacuum and mop my bathroom floor...guess i'll go do that.

cheerio...

what not to say to a pregnant woman

last night, after our wet t-shirt walk-a-thon, we noticed one of our neighbors out. she's one that's nice but we just really don't have much in common with and they usually stick to their own thing. but she was out with her little yippee dog, so we stopped over to say hello. and of course the conversation revolved around me and the fact that i hadn't delivered yet. she quickly added how her friend had an 8 pound baby and how she hopes i don't have such a big baby.

8 pounds...big? and i though 8 pounds was normal. i was over 9. my brother was over 10...steve was over 8. i've pretty much realized that our baby will be at least 8, probably 9+ and i'm ok with that. there's nothing i can do about it. and usually bigger babies seem more content, so that's ok.

but what did neighbor lady say? 'wow, that will hurt! i sure hope your baby's not that big!'.

wow, that will hurt? that's what you think you should say to someone just about ready to deliver? seriously? not that i didn't already know that...but really?

why do people feel they need to tell you about the horror stories or how much it will hurt or how long they went past their due date or how hot the summer will be? why can't they talk about the joys of pregnancy or just how exciting it all is? it all gets so predictable. i can't tell you how many times i've heard the stories or how rude people can be. my mom-in-law actually told me a few weeks ago how filled out my face looked. i know she didn't mean to make me feel like crap, but come on...just tell me how fat i look. i mean, it's not like i don't see myself ballooning up every time i look in the mirror. do i really need people to point out me how large i actually am?

i mean, i know this process will hurt, i know i'll gain weight. you'd have to be a bit off your rocker to think there would be no pain or weight involved...seeing what's happening and all...but come on. i would never walk up to someone, pregnant or not and tell them how chunky they're getting or if they have some medical condition, remind them how painful it'll be. it's just so crazy!

and the thing that really makes me wonder about people who choose to say these comments, is are they crazy themselves? do they not understand the emotional severity of a pregnant woman? i could literally snap you head off some days with the amount of hormones pumping through my veins. these people either have some major balls to try and pick on me, or they're simply totally clueless.

so in review...be kind to pregnant women. they're emotional basket cases. somethings are ok to say...but

  • 'wow! that will hurt' or
  • 'are you having twins?' unless you are having twins...but asking the twins question is kind like asking the 'are you pregnant? question...unless you know for sure, don't ask it. or
  • 'you're face has really filled out!'
are 3 definite no no's.

last night

last night i woke at 4:04 with contractions. they were pretty steadily on and off. i was so excited. this was it! they were super mild so i kept tyring to fall back asleep knowing that labor could take hours and i wanted to be rested. but i couldn't. my mind kept thinking about all the things that need to be done before leaving for the hospital. i thought about waking steve, but i wanted him to get his sleep. thought about calling my doulas, but again, i wanted them to sleep too...i knew this was just the beginning and i'd be awake in 3-4 hours.

i was so excited and the thought of birthing this babe was so real for the first time i could actually see it. i couldn't stop thinking about it. i would sleep on and off of a few minutes but then jolt back awake. i think i finally fell asleep somewhere between 5 and 5:30, still having contractions...but what did i wake to?

NOTHING! argh.

i feel like my body is playing a cruel joke on me. i know i should stop complaining. i have a healthy child within me, but i have to admit that my mind still goes to losing this child too and knowing that we're full term and the babe is ready to come into this world makes my fears even more prominent. i want so much to birth this child and hear their cry, feel their warmth. i know i shouldn't be anxious or worried about this child, but i am. i've read the stories of women who go into labor with active children and still leave with a stillborn child and that haunts me.

in a way this waiting game is making me a little sad. the whole up and down of it. thinking i'm in labor and then realizing i'm not is hard. i need to let this go. but i feel like a 8 year old at Christmas...waiting for the day to come and when the 25th finally hits, my parents tell me it's only the 24th...day after day...

i'm ready to open my stocking now please.

lesson learned

06 June 2008

in an effort to get this child of ours out, steve asked if i wanted to take a walk tonight. the rain had already come and gone and the sun was out so we ventured on out to shake the kid out. half way through our walk it began to sprinkle and shortly thereafter it began to rain. as i looked down i could see my thin shirt getting quite wet...

lesson learned: huge pregnant women should not walk in the rain.

thankfully it didn't rain too hard nor very long, so it wasn't too embarrassing, although in the future, i think i may have to forgo the evening walks if there's a chance of rain! even when we are trying to get a child out of me!

no progress

still there's nothing. i went to bed again last night thinking...maybe tonight...and then i woke at 2 with nothing happening...and then again at 4...crap!

today i mowed the lawn. i haven't mowed the lawn since i've been married. steve always does it...it's his 'thing'. but i thought, ok...it's hot and muggy and i'm getting my arse outside and making this baby come out!! so i mowed about half the lawn and almost died. i came inside to cool off only to see myself in the mirror and almost keel over. i was sweating like a sailor! what the? i had huge wet arm pits and creases where my boobs hit my belly when i sit. sorry! but it was truly a site. my poor husband! if anyone saw me outside, i can only imagine what they thought. hugely pregnant, sweaty wife made to cut the grass! too funny!!!

so i sat around for a bit longer to cool off and returned outside to finish up. i then of course jumped immediately into the shower and haven't ventured outside again!

so did it cause any contractions?

NO!!! argh!

i bought some black cohosh tea yesterday...that's suppose to start something...that stuff sucks! it's horrible! steve will drink anything and he won't even go near the stuff! i'm starting to wonder if the child will ever come!

i need to stop being so anxious....how do i stop being anxious?

Pink Rose Award

so, my friend beth has chosen me to receive this award. beth is one of my wonderful doulas. before meeting her, she let me know about her wonderful son Charlie who graced her life for 3 beautiful days before he left for his eternal calling. having another person who truly understood my grief and pain was comforting. knowing someone actually feels my sorrow is something that is truly a blessing. though you never want anyone to go through a loss like this, there's something special that's formed between bereaved parents and i appreciate her friendship in so many ways. thanks beth, for sharing Charlies life with me as you let me share Jorai's life with you.

i'm passing this award to my friend tiffany. tiffany lost her amazing son Jayden just a few short weeks before me. we met shortly after losing our children and it was a blessing that's immeasurable to describe. our talks helped me travel down the path paved with sorrow. she cleared my head and opened my heart and let me cry. her friendship is beyond words. tiffany, you're amazing. i hate that we had to meet under such circumstances, yet without you, i'm not sure i would have spared so well. you are an amazing woman and mom and friend. i miss you!! come back to michigan!! thank you for sharing Jayden with me and allowing me to share Jorai with you. now, i can't wait for evalina and kix to meet!

ok, i'll do this

05 June 2008

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because i'm mad this child has not made their appearance yet and i think i'm going to jump on the treadmill to get something started, but that takes a lot of gusto to get me downstairs...so until i get the gusto, i'll do it...

5 things under $5.00 that I couldn't live without: or at least i really wouldn't want to live without them:
my husband, Christ, Jorai, my friends, and
riv who teach me more about myself everyday!
ice water
chapstick
ice-cream
spending time, lying in the hammock with my best friend.

5 favorite movies:
juno
the princess bride
whale rider
steal magnolias
any brat pack film

5 favorite baby names I love:
Jorai
selah
asher
suzanna
isabella

5 songs I love:
the luckiest~ben folds
broken things~julie miller
romeo and juliet~indigo girls
ohio~over the rhine
brian wilson...or really anything by the barenaked ladies

5 positive influences:
my husband
Christ
Jorai
riv
my friends


5 life changing moments:
meeting my husband and allowing him to show me Christ
allowing myself to trust and let my husband in
getting involved at riv
getting pregnant with, carrying, losing and learning from Jorai
getting pregnant again and learning to not let my fear control me.

5 current obsessions:
getting this baby out of me!!!
thinking about the garden i want to put in after the babe comes
being a good housewife/home mom
trying to find new ways to save money
project runway

5 places I want to go:
all over europe
jerusalem
camping with my husband and child at the beach or at yosemite
back to port angeles, wa...i miss it so much and i want to show steve all the places i love.
really, any where outside the us where steve and i and our child can explore and hike and marvel at.

5 appliances or kitchen tools I could not live without:
refrigerator
food processor
vitamix
kitchen aid mixer...i just wish it wasn't so dang heavy!
steve's coffee roaster and french press

ok...so that took me a few minutes...i still don't want to venture downstairs to walk on that stinkin' treadmill...why am i so opposed to working out?!?! especially when it could mean the baby could come? i need to get motivated! i need go get the rocky soundtrack!

when's the party startin?

04 June 2008

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i know i should be relishing the quiet, alone time with my husband. i know i should enjoy these last few days of just the two of us in this house. i know i should probably enjoy the normalcy that i feel in my unmentionable areas...but i'm not. i know there's a lot of pain waiting for me in the coming days. lots of bodily fluids and stretching in areas that ya really don't want stretched that much...i know that my days and nights will soon, no longer belong to me. i know our life will be turned upside down and our quiet, alone time will be no longer.

but i don't care. i want my baby's birth to come. i'm anxious and excited and just want the day to arrive. as each day dawns i wonder if this will be the day i start to feel different...and as each sun sets, i wonder if i'll wake to labor pangs...it's this waiting game that seems to go and go and go.

i'm carrying so low that i can't sit like a lady any longer. my legs have to be spread far apart because my belly rests on the chair in between! yikers! and today someone thought i hadn't dropped yet! it's quite a site to see!

i've been having strange pangs off and on tonight, so as always my mind goes there...is this it? will i wake to measurable contractions? oye. this happens over and over again and i know i shouldn't be so impatient. i haven't even reached my due date yet! i feel blessed to even have this healthy child within me now. that should be good enough...but it's not. i want this child in my arms. our house has been too silent for the past year. it's time already!

so i go on with my teas and hip positions and pressure points and other things...that could stimulate this birth...maybe it is time to try noels idea of jumping on my neighbor's trampoline...although i think that's just an accident waiting to happen!

come on baby kix! let's get this party started!

Jorai Mae

03 June 2008

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happy birthday my dear, sweet Jorai. we miss you and love you and you'll forever be in our hearts.

Jorai's foot


dreamland

02 June 2008

last night in dreamland i was at the fair in my hometown. i was walking down the fairway with our child in the sweet moby wrap i got at my shower. the babe was a newborn, yet every time i asked where papa was, the baby would point ahead to steve. i knew we would have a highly intelligent child, but wow! of course i was so proud.

i just remember the feeling though. the joy of having this child and watching her know who her papa was. it was cool. i didn't want the dream to end. i can't wait to see our child grow up!

a few contractions today...but nothing significant...as much as i want this child to be born, i hope i don't go tomorrow, on Jorai's birthday or angleversary as some call it...

growth and memorials

01 June 2008

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one of the presents we got at my baby shower was a tree. i've never gotten a tree as a gift before. my friend said that as the babe grows, the tree will grow. in 20 years it should be 20' tall. kinda cool. we planted it last weekend in the front yard and i love it. every day i look out and see that tree and think about my family's future. our child growing up and the 3 of us as a family. it's so cool.

the same day as we planted the tree i transplanted the clematis i bought in remembrance of Jorai from the back yard to the front. it's now crawling up the side of our house near our front porch. it used to crawl up our wedding bench/trellis, but a tree fell on it and smashed it last summer...so i wanted a better place for it to reside. i like it in such a predominant place.

now i have nature to signify both of my babies in my front yard. i love using nature to symbolize a child. i don't know why. maybe it's the whole growth factor. i do know that with the clematis for Jorai, it's the delicateness of the flowers and how each winter it'll will die only to be reborn in the spring...i just love the symbolism.

so today marks the day we lost Jorai. one year ago i knew something was wrong, but i kept telling myself everything was fine. we're going to do something for her birthday this year, if we're not in the hospital. i'm not sure what, but something. steve and i were talking about it yesterday and i told him how i wanted to do something each year in remembrance. i want to celebrate with a cake in the future, as we would normally do for a child. and i want our future children to be apart of it. i also what to visit the memorial garden that we create, hopefully soon. i know our future children never knew Jorai, never experienced her brief time within me, but i want her to always
be remembered in our house. and i think one way to do that is to celebrate her birth. i know it kinda sounds strange. our daughter was gone when we birthed her. it was a sad day. but that's the only firm date we have really. it makes me happy to celebrate her brief life on earth and now as she parties with Jesus. i love remembering her and keeping her near. i can never be proud of her accomplishments on earth, but i love to image all her work up in heaven. and i know she's right where she needs to be...even though i still get jealous!

contractions

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i was contracting all day yesterday. all day. and all i was doing was sitting around at a wedding and reception then church...it felt like my period was about to hit. kix was moving around like crazy too. i was hoping this was the beginning of something...but then i went to bed and woke up this morning with nothin'.

this waiting game is hard. but i think what's harder is not really knowing what labor feels like. i've been in labor before, but it was induced. i even took the pain with an induced labor until i was fully dilated. the nurses didn't think i was fully dilated so they gave me an epidural, which i find interesting. so i must have been handling the pain quite well. but maybe this time will be different. maybe the sensations will feel different to me. everything was so discombobulated and emotional a year ago.

will i know the sensations? i want to make sure i call my doula in time and do any last minute preparations...this is all just so strange. 2 times now i thought this was the beginning and then nothing...it probably doesn't help that i never had braxton hicks contractions with Jorai...so i've only experienced the actual labor part of things.

i'm just so excited to meet this child and see steve interact with his child...and not be pregnant...i know it's coming soon. i know i need to relax and be patient and enjoy these last few days/weeks...but i'm just so anxious!