Phoenix Rising

when mike wallace was asked on NPR this morning why he's still working at 87 he said;

'because i wouldn't know what else to do'

this scares me! there are so many things that you can do n this world. it's just crazy. i'm only 30 (yes, i'm admitting it) and i can't wait to retire. i'm just in shock.

ultimate 2005 kid quotes from the flagstaff ells

'this soap smells like whales.' Grace (2)
'let me see. It does smell like whales.' Jackson (4)

'are you mad at me mama? GOD says to let go of your anger.' Jackson

i struggle with my temper when I come across 'Christians' who with one hand advertise that they're Christians while with the other hand spout off negative, judgmental, mean, uncompassionate crap. the main reason i didn't accept JESUS into my heart until 2003 was because of 'Christians ' like these. i couldn't see JESUS. the people who followed HIM didn't reflect HIM. it wasn't until I met steve and saw JESUS in his eyes and felt HIM alive and kickin the first time I stepped into riverview, that i knew HE was real. not that I'm immune to being a hypocrite. With my overflowing bag of 'things I need to work on' hypocrisy is stretching my bags seams! there are many times I screw up. but it's the uncompassionate mean spirited, self-righteous judgements that I have such a difficult time dealing with. i'm praying about it. asking for HIS grace to fall upon me, asking for HIM to form me into a patient and quiet person so i won't spat…

i'm not a huge angelina jolie fan but steve and I saw an amazing movie last weekend, beyond borders

it's about a woman who is compelled to help out in the humanitarian fight in the Ethopia famine and quickly joines the UNHCR. when I first saw the trailer I thought it would suck. but not only did i think it had a good story line, it brought back all the struggles we've had previously in places like Cambodia and Chechnya. it really did a great job putting the UNHCR and world relief organizations on the map with their struggles and at times inability to help people. just a suggestion…go rent this. or, wait form me to by it so you can borrow it. it really was a great movie

while i'd rather be living some where other than the cloudiest city in the world (ok, maybe not THE cloudiest, but it's close!) it could be worse...check out this ice storm that happened in lake geneva, wi. yikes!

today's been hard. i'm sleepy and i get to deal with super selfish people who are draining me. stinking energy vampires!

but on a positive note. greg d. has resurrected bink wink. smiles thank you :)

i just applied to a world vision job in washington. why does this freak me out so much?

go K go!

i've had nightmares for 2 nights in a row. all night long. what's going on? same stuff, just different scenarios. i think i'm going mad. u may want to keep you distance. i may be contagious!

yikes!!

i absolutly love the fact that when i'm having a poo of a day, my man can still put a smile on my face. he can just cut through the crud to save me from more coming down the pipe. you rock baby!

alright. i'll be the first to say how ignorant i am. brought up in a very pastey white household, we weren't taught many worldly things and the school system was dreadful on that front as well. not blaming anyone, just mentioning how uni-cultural my life was. white, white…white. i didn't know what was out there. i yearned for diversity and leaders unlike those i was taught, but i never saw them. Martin Luther King Jr. for instance. i don't recall ever being taught of his ways. and Mahatma Gandhi, he was just a guy i knew was all about peace and fasting. how wrong I was, or more, just plain ignorant.

the past few years i've been diving into these amazing leaders. what their lives were like, what they struggled with, stood for and accomplished. i feel cheated never knowing who these people were. the reason we have Pakistan and India is because of Mahatma Gandhi. India use to be 1 huge country ruled by Britain. filled with Muslims and Hindus, but ruled by the British. …

i have all these thoughts and ideas in my head but when i try to make them legible, it just doesn't work...phooey! so i just wanted to say that. i have tons of Christmas thought flowing threw my brain and other crap i want to spew out to y'all but, i can't seem to become very articulate today...maybe someday

i ran into someone today i used to work with. she said another position will be posted in the beginning of the year and that she'd love to have me on her team. hmmm...this would be pretty cool. please keep me in your prayers so i may know HIS will in my worklife.

have you ever felt like something you're waiting for is a waste of time? what if it never happens and you've spent so much time waiting and wanting. i feel like that sometimes. i felt it on saturday. it scares me. maybe it's another run away thing.

but today, i feel like i could wait for years. i don't want to, but i could.

waiting...the bible says to wait on the LORD. i feel like i wait n nothing happens...then i get poopy and feel like a spoiled brat. i'm such a spoiled brat. i hate that. why can't i just find a way to be patient?

steve and i've broken down. we're ordering cable. i'm ashamed. but excited :)
it's only the basic stuff...so i can't get too zombied. hopefully...

i feel blah. have been for a while. sucky really. last weekend noel mentioned that we should pray for things we're thankful for and repent our sins but he also admitted that he didn't want to. i love the fact that i have such rock on pastors who can actually speak truths and lay sin on the table. i felt the same way. and by noel opening up, i didn't feel so alone. i want to be faithful and patient and used by GOD but sometimes i feel like i just get the crap truck backing up into my life and loading me up. which is such a poo feeling and it makes me mad. in reality, i'm blessed beyond belief. so, i'm really pissy because i'm not getting what i want. well now, isn't that a bit selfish. so i try to look at the crap in my life and see the lessons i need to learn. yeah, that's not happening either. i don't know, i guess i just feel like everyone else around me is flourishing while i'm stuck in cow doo doo. but what's sad is that…

check this site out if you like coffee!!

http://www.coffeegeek.com/

i'm trying to be patient and forgiving and non-resentful here, but am finding it increasingly harder. as much as i love my parents sometimes i feel my love isn't enough anymore to resist the feeling of cutting all ties with them. it's horrible of me to say, i know. but they try to cause as much damage in the two youngest kids as much as possible. and i'm not trying to play the wounded victim or jealous sibling here. i just wish that my parents loved us for who we've become, not compare us to my eldest brother.

in a message noel gave the other week he mentioned how damaging it is for parents to play favorites and it's so true. although i wish my folks loved the 3 of us equally, what i wish more is just to be loved for who i am and not to be compared to glory boy or being the blunt of all things wrong or not perfect in his life.

well, that mom was spewing out lies about me to my brother the other day. which is typical. pitting one sibling against another, so he put…

hmmm...just found out that i can hook in2 someones wireless at steve's house...this is fun, but i feel a bit guilty...

hmmm..i think i have a problem...and who's maximus anyway???

You scored as The Terminator.


The Terminator can be good or evil. It just depends on who's manipulating his circuits. When he's evil, he's a killing machine. When he's good, he's---well, a killing machine. He often comes back in time to protect certain human beings from other Terminators. He has no sense of stealth or subtlety and will do whatever it takes to accomplish his mission. He has a curious penchant for sunglasses and seems to enjoy mimicking human slang.

Maximus
75%Captain Jack Sparrow
75%The Terminator
75%Batman, the Dark Knight
71%Indiana Jones
63%El Zorro
63%Neo, the "One"
54%James Bond, Agent 007
50%William Wallace
42%The Amazing Spider-Man
42%Lara Croft
21%
Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

i got an ipod baby! ohhh yeah! so check this out...i was telling my friend johnny how much i want an ipod but am 2 cheap to buy one and he says ' i have one you can have'. in utter disbelief he said that he bought one a few years ago and never used it. it looks brand new. he couldn't find the charger or computer hookups so i had to buy those on overstock so it's siting there all shiny on my kitchen table, calling my name...but i have to wait until my cables come...but how sweet!

i'm so stoked.

we went to a funeral yesterday. it was brutal. funerals are usually rough no matter what, but this was for a 39 year old who died unexpectedly in his sleep. not to mention he had only been married for 3 years and had a child less than a year old. it just sucks ya know. i know he's in a totally rockin place having the time of his life, but what a hard time for all his family. especially his wife.

it makes me think about life. how short it is, how precious it is. although there're times i want to throw my hands up in despair and quit, i'm not ready to leave yet. and when the day comes that GOD's ready to bring me home, i want to know that i made the most of each day with friends and family and outreach and love. i want to know that i tried and gave my best. not sat on my contunkus complaining about my job and the weather. i want to make a difference and enjoy the time i have here. i want to laugh and cry and run like a kid through the leaves without a care in the world.

th…

this makes me sick

what is it about this show that makes me sick and joyful all at the same time? the premise is you take two families that are completely different and switch the moms for 2 weeks. 1 week they have to comply with the families' rules and the next they get to make up their own. there's fighting and yelling and complete and utter disrespect but yet at the end, both families usually learn from their mistakes…and then the religious zealot comes into the scene.

this person embodies why i used to be so bitter towards "Christians". this is why i never wanted anything to do with the church. their blatant judgements and unlove still astound me. when i think of what CHRIST did on this earth, how HE cared for all of the lowly, downtrodden and untouchables it fills me with compassion. and yet here is just another 'christian' spreading the message of intolerance, hatred, judgement and condemnation in how many households across the world? google marguerite p…

I'm a hypocrite. i'm constantly flappin my lips over the evils of wal-mart, how they and other big business are destroying america. taking away our small businesses and sense of community and replacing it with these self proclaimed discount stores. selling cheap crap made by people being raped of their dignity and family time because the only job they can find is one they make pennies an hour and work their fingers to the bone. i know all this and it makes me sick. but where was I last wednesday and then again yesterday? yeah…wal-mart. the place i loath most in the world…well…mcdonalds may be top on the list, but they're fighting a great 1st place fight!

so this is my problem. last week i decided to purchase a couple space heaters for my house. as i was searching on line, i found that wal-mart was 20 bucks cheaper. 20 bucks! ok…so i could pay $40 extra (remember, I was buying 2) to not shop at wal-mart, or cave in and save $40. then yesterday i was talking to our IT guy abo…

Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

Keep me from deliberate sins.

my job is sucking out all the energy i have. i loath coming here. there's no clear direction and i feel pulled in so many directions that i'm about ready to break. i want to leave. it takes everything i have to drive to work and even more to stay for the next 8 hours. I've almost walked out so many times, something i know i can't do. i need to stay here until i find different employment, but i can't seem to find anything. argh. please keep me in your prayers. i'm feeling so drained and frustrated at this situation. i feel like i made such a horrible decision taking this position. please pray for me and if you know of any job, i welcome any suggestions.

maybe i'm a glutton for punishment...but i think i'm more of a dreamer. just hoping things may begin to get better...maybe

my folks and i have a pretty stinky relationship. anyway..my mom and i got together last weekend. i wasn't looking forward to it. honestly, i was dreading it. which sucks because i want to enjoy times with my family. but oh well, that's how it is. but last saturday was different. it was actually enjoyable. she wasn't judging me and making me feel like a complete failure. We laughed and it felt natural, it wasn't hard to enjoy her.

so prayers needed...my folks want to come down again this saturday night, spend the night and leave the next morning. now i got both of them. they could tag team. this is what usually occurs. i'm nervous. wanting things to go well but feeling i'm just putting myself up to fall. i'm taking them to church too...ohhh boy.

whatever prayers you could throw my way, i'd appreciate! thanks!

'Each person must live their life as a model for others.'
1913-2005

do you ever feel like a complete failure to your folks? maybe it's more like your just invisible and the only time they finally can see your figure through the haze, you've done something wrong? welcome to my relationship with my parents. i know i talk about this a bit too much maybe but it never does cease to amaze me just how non-existent i am. it sucks. all i want is to have a civil relationship with my folks. just one where i don't feel like i'm walking on a glass floor all the time. i hear stories of my friends families and it makes me sad. i'm trying to push away the resentment and bitterness but it seems just i let it go, something knew happens. i know i need to walk with grace and understanding but honestly, all i want to do is stand on the rooftop and yell my guts out. but i know no matter what i say and no matter how loud i get, they'll never hear me.

as you can see...still not working very well today am i?!?

I know your getting sick of the same ol junk flying out of this yapper. But oh well..

i was at the local coffee shack here in lil ol'charlootville when i saw something interesting. paramount coffee company is now roasting coffee beans from Rwanda. they're doing the whole fair trade deal which brings jobs and proceeds to Rwanda. super cool! ya know i'm not a huge supporter to paramount, but it's a cool thing helping out Africa. so here Rwanda fair trade, check out the site. Even little things will help big problems! help support Rwanda!

and if you're looking for some quality joe makin' beans from a super cool fair trade coffee supplier, check out www.puravidacoffee.com. they have an amazing program too

so, i think i need to surrender to the fact that i'm getting old. i woke up on sunday with a super sore neck, thinking that i just slept funky...i was wrong! on monday, let's just say pain. shooting pain through my shoulder and into my chest. never have been stabbed, but i think i may have a gander of how much it hurts. so i went to my doctor and she gave me flexeril. wow! 2 days on that stuff and you literally become a moron. so picture me, standinng all stiff with clouded over, droopy eyes. ohhh yes, i've become frankinstien. and now although i have motion back to my body, i'm still a moron. why am i even trying here at work?

to make the matter worse, i think it all stemmed from trying to pick a picture frame off the floor. when the hanger stuck to the ground, my neck whiplashed back down. ohh yes, i think it's finally time to admit that i'm old. BLASTED

The UN children's agency has launched a hard-hitting ad campaign, involving cartoon legends the Smurfs being blown away in a sudden air strike. to read the story and watch the clip go here



http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4334086.stm

since February 2003, government-sponsored militias known as the Janjaweed have conducted a calculated campaign of slaughter, rape, slavery, starvation and displacement in Darfur.

it is estimated that 400,000 people have died due to violence, starvation and disease. more than 2.5 million people have been displaced from their homes, over 200,000 have fled across the border to Chad and 3.5 million people are now hungry. many now live in camps lacking adequate food, shelter, sanitation, health care and most importantly safety.

this is a photo from the Rwandan genocide in 1994. our government did nothing in 1994. although world leaders vowed to never again allow this kind of violence to ensue, the united states again, for the past 2 years have turned the other cheek.

i hate to do this. it make my stomach turn and my heart ache but i feel that i must post these photos. although our government sits aside as innocent women, children and men and raped, tortured and killed for senseless reasons, w…

i saw this today...

"I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

Mahatma Gandhi

i think this must be in the forefront of our minds at all times. GOD wants us to be CHRIST like. am i? and if I'm not, who have i just shown unlove to? who have i turned a cold cheek to? to be like CHRIST is such a massive thing to wrap my mind around. i hope y'all keep me accountable. i see the judgements placed on people for how they look, what church they belong to, how they act…the list goes on and on and let me tell you that I'm not apart from judgement. I find myself judging and it kills me every time. i hate it. help me to be CHRIST like.

I enjoy the internet...my life unfortunately, seems to revolve a bit around it. but I hate it even more. i want to blame the people who place things on the web that i shouldn't be looking at. but i can't. the only person i can blame is myself. sometimes i feel like a drunk trying not to drink, walking through a grocery store and running into the wine section. although i try to keep my eyes from looking towards the wine rack, sometimes i end up there, alone. a drunk surrounded by wine. and once i get there, it's so hard to walk away. as in the internet. so much fun, yet so much danger. as i innocently search and peruse an add may pop up, or a picture may catch my attention and there i am, alone again in the wine isle. This time will I choose to walk away or will I again reach for that bottle?

discouragement is hard. impatience takes its toll and frustration at times seems to take hold like a tick. once again i find myself complaining in a world full of blessings and extravagance. i hate myself for feeling unfulfilled. i look at my life and see the blessings. one search on google will show me pictures of just how blessed we are in america. yet i sit here wishing i were somewhere else. this job is taking it tolls on me on so many levels and although i don't want to complain anymore, i find myself walking down that road. pressure and stress is pressing down upon me and the exhaustion is draining. i can't remember the last time i felt rested. i want to search for a new job but in a way i feel like a failure for leaving this one. and even if i do search, i have no idea what i wanna do. ministry, yes, but where and what. prayer is unfruitful for answers right now which probably means HE needs me to be patient, although I find that increasingly hard. Once again patience s…

this is hodgepodge i know…welcome to my mind…always going and never being able to translate it into something eloquent…ohh well, read if you wish, just more ramblings.

where's that line and how do you find it? i try to always be pushing the envelope without going too far, which i fail at, but hey, at least i try right? but how do ya find that line. i want to keep social justice issues on the forefront of my life. it's 2-fold really, # 1. to keep others thinking about things...but the second reason is solely about me, to remind me to keep it in the forefront of my own life. we all get stuck in our comfort. as americans we have such an abundance of everything that it's so ridiculously easy to take things for granted. but i find myself wondering how i gently remind people about all the suffering in the world without going too far. i think as believers it's always such a slippery slope. how do we stand up for our beliefs without going too far? or why do we suppor…

my friends in maui.


i'm in michigan.


i wanna be in maui...

if you haven't noticed, I've added another link under friends called "Detroit Homeless'. please go check this site out. It's updated monday - friday with an new face and profile. this guy walks the streets of Detroit and interviews the homeless. we've all been so blessed and we need to remember it on a daily basis...keep these faces and the faces of others who are suffering in your hearts and reach out to them. however you feel lead, reach out to them.

there was a benefit for Carol last night. it was amazing. The worship was raw and emotional. the entire room seemed to be vibrating. it was simply amazing...but the even better thing was that last night I dreamt that Carol was awake and completely back to herself again. It was like she was never in the hospital. i woke up very joyful... smilz

I want a relationship with my parents, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel we're too far gone but I don't want to accept that. Nearly every conversation ends in an argument or disagreement about my life and when it doesn't, I end up feeling like a complete failure in their eyes. I just can't understand it and I have no idea where to begin to fix it.

My mom is extremely confrontational and she thinks she holds all the right answers. If I don't do what she thinks I should, she'll tell me. I rarely do what she says. So I ultimately hear her scolding. It affects me more that I let on. It makes me feel like a failure, but more importantly, it pushes me away a bit more and more each time we talk. And it's not just me. I have two brothers. One that's the light of my parents eye and milks it for everything it's worth and the other brother who's a lot like me, who has gotten to the point where he won't even talk to them …

i've been feeling the stress of, well..everything, in my back, shoulders and neck lately and finally shelled out the dinero for a massage the other week. it was painful and awakening. i'm tense. more so than I thought. I was told that even my feet and jaw are tense. but my shoulders are another story, holding so much tension that the muscle stretching over the front of my shoulder is pulling my shoulder forward. i had to do something…so i joined yoga. something i haven't done in 2 years. ive missed it but at the same time, it makes me realize how much I've changed since becoming a believer.

the exercise itself is why i go. it's the one thing that stretches me out and forces my muscles to let go. but the spiel the instructor gives drives me batty. The drawing inward and the bit about the third eye..what's that all about? But all I had to do was look for JESUS and HE was there. In a room filled with questionable beliefs, there HE stood. waiting…and it was cool, t…

i'm on a mission…a mission to find peace in my 40 hr a week gig. i try…it seems each monday I buck up with a new attitude and walk into work with that yeah know, 'i mean business' stride…oh yes..i mean business. so i unlock my door, check the emails and see what i have to get done for the day…what to plan for, what policy to write…and then I get hit. blindsided by the man. and then my 'i mean business' stride turns into the downtrodden shuffle… but each day is a new and each morning I have to lace up those kicks for another stab of meaning business. so secretly, in my little square office, with my swingline stapler and thumbtacks, i start my mission. with my laced up kicks and buttoned up sweater, i secretly try to find that peace in my lil 40 hour a week gig.

what's up with this whole my space thing? everyone's doing in. it's the newest craze. nowCasey (or is itCasey?) and the Psalters (or is it Psalters?)? what's up with this trend and why do i find myself wanting to start my own new space and will there ever be enough my spaces?

nothing new. been thinking bout what to say but sorriez… nothin comin…guess i'm not suppose to talk right now. nothin new anyway. still learning bout patience n handin ova my wants. an everyday occurrence that's been really kewl to go thru! gentle nudges from GOD. had a great talk with greg d on sunday bout pressure n insecurities n relationships n what hav ya. it was nice to be around him again. a bit o fresh air. started talking about missions and sent my head a spinning formercy shipsagain….maybe soon.

love n peace y'all

ooooo…sumpin funny. Juz got the soundtrack from the songcatcher (great movie!) the song quoted above, that I thought was written by the Psaltersis actually an old traditional mountain hymn. No one knows who wrote it..kinda kewl tho cause it's on the 1st soundtrack. Psalters changed the words a bit…kewl! 

i realize more everyday how impatient and controlling I am. not controlling of other people but trying to control what happens in my life and when. this past week has been hard. GOD has really been revealing my sin, which is great but scary and a bit shameful. why do I continue to place others above my relationship with GOD? i was talking to a friend last night and she was saying how hard it is for her to be alone. she needs/craves human interaction. when she's not with people, she can't sit still...i crave steve interaction. i crave to be in his presence and in his life. i've been putting it above my relationship with GOD. i need to keep this in check. i can't run to him with all of my joys and sorrows. i need to run to GOD!

once again, noels words have struck me. thank you GOD! i'm not going to go into depths, because you should go check out his site, but he says:

Instead of begging God to come through in some situation, I rely on myself. I spend a lot of time worr…

GOD's been teaching me big time lately about patience and giving up control. It's so strange how people grasp for control, when they have none! I believe that I have no control over situations. GOD has planned for every choice I have and am to make. HE knows all things before they happen. So why do I grasp for something that's not there? I want to be in GOD's will every step. If I had control, I'd screw it up. But I keep grasping. It's sick and wrong, really.

So how does one stop? How do we just hand over the reigns? And how do we become patient for HIS will to rain down upon us? How do I let go of my fears, anticipation and desires? I know I have to. I know it's necessary for me to grow. I want to be pleasing to HIM. I want to bring HIM praise. So why is it so hard to let go?

a virtue i struggle with. help me to be patient dear LORD.

i feel like a fish out of water. gasping for air but nothing comes.

in a commentary i read 'Look at your problems in the light of GOD's power instead of looking at GOD in the shadow of your problems'.

how do i do this? i struggle with this. i know i have no control, yet as i lose everything i love how can I not try to hold on with dear life? how do i turn away and start new? how do you know when all is lost and beyond repair?

i keep gasping but there's no relief. i simply suffocate all the more.

I feel empty, like all my insides have been torn out. It feels like I have a heavy brick puling at my throat and sinking in my belly. I'm heavy and it's suffocating. How do I give this to GOD? How do I hand over my sorrow? I ask for direction and it seems all I get is lost. I ask for discernment and all I get it is more fog. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go or what to do. I feel the pull of my track shoes, waiting for a good run. I could leave everything I know and not come back. That's what I'm good at. That's what I excel in, leaving. Maybe it's time to embrace the one thing I'm decent in, running.

This weekend Steve and I went to a catholic church in Grand Ledge for a baby baptism. Which is comical because the mom (father's not in the picture) isn't catholic. But the grandma is and she wanted the ceremony. Anyway…I noticed how dead the church was. it was so scripted. Everything had it's place and time. People said what they had to, when they had to. I looked around and saw that no one was getting fed. There were 3 kids in front, an altar boy and 2 girls. They looked bored. They could care less. It made me sad and it reminded me that this is why I fell away from the church.

Anyway…communion time came, which is always such an amazing time for a believer, or should be. So we got up and stood before the priest, and he just looks at me and says 'I hope you accept Jesus Christ into your heart'. That's it! And then shoed me away…I was totally taken aback, and as many of you know, because I lack words many times, all that came to mind was '…

The Tale of Custard the Dragon

Belinda lived in a little white house,
With a little black kitten and a little gray mouse,
And a little yellow dog and a little red wagon,
And a realio, trulio, little pet dragon.

Now the name of the little black kitten was Ink,
And the little gray mouse, she called hum Blink,
And the little yellow dog was sharp as Mustard,
But the dragon was a coward, and she called him Custard.

Custard the dragon had big sharp teeth,
And spikes on top of him and scales underneath,
Mouth like a fireplace, chimney for a nose,
And realio, trulio daggers on his toes.

Belinda was as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chased lions down the stairs,
Mustard was as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard cried for a nice safe cage.

Belinda tickled him, she tickled him unmerciful,
Ink, Blink and Mustard, they rudely called him Percival,
They all sat laughing in the little red wagon
At the realio, trulio, cowardly dragon.

Belinda giggled till she shook the house,
and Bli…

This morning on my way to work as I was merging onto a freeway I noticed a mac in the right hand lane..and seeing that the law states you have to slow down for merging traffic, I continued to go…by the time I realized the mac truck wasn't going to pull over or slow down, I had to make a split decision. Slam on my breaks, causing those behind me to slam on their breaks or speed up and drive around the truck. Maybe it wasn't my most intelligent moment, but I decided to speed up and pass him. No problem, it was close but not that close. The mac decided to flash me, whatever…and I was on my way. Traveling around 72 down the road when all of a sudden I realize the same mac truck is now barreling down my trax. I step it up thinking he just wants to pass but I quickly found out that wasn't the case. I was all of a sudden going 80 with a mac truck literally inches from my tail when then he decides to put on his brights. After a few minutes, he gave up a bit but then tried …

i'm lost today. had a wave of emotion last night that i just can't seem to let go. i'm not that thrilled about my 4o hr a wk gig but what else should i do? i've been thinking about selling the house and all my junk and boarding a mercy ship. i just don't know. i don't have any answers. the choices i make seem to go no where...i feel like i'm stuck in a reality that doesn't make sense. The puzzle doesn't fit or is missing pieces. I'm trying to be patient and not make any sudden movements but running is in me. I feel like an out of shape sprinter that's itchin for another race. I don't know. My life is like a person going blind. Everything i look at is fuzzy.

I was asked this weekend, whom I pledge my allegiance to, which was an easy answer for me…GOD. But then I starting thinking… remember in elementary school reciting the pledge of allegiance? Which still baffles me…I mean people having a problem with prayer in school but they have no qualms about pledging to a country…but I digress…

So here it is for reflection…

I Pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Why are we 'trained' to pledge our allegiance to a flag and to a nation??? And in looking at the pledge, both the flag and the nation are above GOD…

So then I thought, what else am I pledging my allegiance to? What else do I place above GOD?

a few weeks ago Steve's mom sent me home with a handful of milk chocolate. I'm not a fan, I prefer dark, so instead of munchin on em I thought I would bring em into work for my eats bowl. this morn, i needed a pix me up and thought...i really don't want to eat 1...but... so i dug my hand into the depths of my eats bowl and pulled out a little small square of dove milk choxo. I unwrapped it carefully, so not to destroy the fun lil message they always have on the underneath.

mine said...

Temptation is fun...giving in is even better

now i have 2 boycott dove.

what's next?

I went to Chicago this weekend to the JESUS Radicals ~ Christianity Anarchism conference…which in my eyes was neither…but since I hate titles or labels I guess this was expected. It was a bunch of believers, with some non believers sprinkled in, talking about corporate america and trying to find the answers to if JESUS wants us to be in this world but not from it, how do we define what this means, what this looks like…how do we make a difference, how do we 'be different' from the worlds standards? How do we get out of the 'corporation'?Such an amazingly awakening weekend. Discussions were blunt and real. People were raw and passion filled the rooms. JESUS was there and it was simply amazing. I felt HIM cry and laugh and hold our hands throughout. Thank you JESUS!! I can only pray that the things we learned and the people we met will now form together to make a difference rather than simply placing the thoughts and discussions on a shelf to gather dust and going on with…

Lies ruin. Lies are whispered into our insecure ears from the evil one all throughout the day. Do you listen to them? Or do you place them at the foot of the cross?

My insecurities lie in a bed of lies. I've been lied to my entire life by people I love. I hate it. I hate not believing a thing anyone says to me. I hate looking into the eyes of the people I dearly love only to question every word they say. Maybe that's why I keep a distance. My life is an open book. To anyone, I can tell them my story, my sin. That's just me. I don't lie. I try to exaggerate at times but even that I fail at and by the end of the conversation, I'm saying 'well…maybe it didn't happen to that extent…' so why do people lie to me? I'm accepting. I'm forgiving.. and yet people still lie.

I've always wondered where and when did they start and where do they end. Will they end? I hurt. Lies are like a virus…so concealing as it lies in wait to infect you and before …

Yesterday Carol got her breathing tube removed. The surgery went well. Although, because it wasn't scheduled, they weren't able to insert the feeding tube. But I guess they may be able to do it in her room with a local. Some Great news came through last night though! Yesterday, instead of the Dr. calling Carol's name and getting no response, Rich called out to her. She opened her eyes and tracked toward him. There was also a moment when Rich was holding Carol's hand that she gently squeezed it! These little miracles seem to keep coming.




please keep the prayers coming.

Carol has been in the hospital since last Thursday in a drug induced coma. She went in for surgery and had a reaction to the drug they gave her before the anesthetic. Every time we go to the CICU, there are upwards of 20 people all crammed into the waiting room. The outpour of love has been remarkable yet the sadness of it all has been hard to take. Harder than I thought. The look on Rich's face breaks me every time. The distraught emotion that fills the room. It's hard to take. I have no words to express to them. I show up and embrace them, show my support, but I wish I could do more. I wish I knew what else to do. I'm at a loss. Please pray for them. That's all we can do.

Last Sunday I was talking to a couple of people about food when the subject of milk came up. I was saying how we're the only mammals that drink milk past infancy. Dan said 'yeah, and we get our milk from another mammal. That's just like a cow going up to dog for a drink!' thanks for the visual Dan.

I've been thinking about this all week.
Humans are so gross.

the feeling of being broken has always been a 2 edged sword. The feeling of 'why is this happening' mixed with 'what will I learn' and 'what will happen next'…is such a daunting feeling. But I wanted to share a bit because I've just been taught a huge lesson.

Relationships are so easy yet so difficult at the same time. Most times I'll be walking down the road thinking things are fine but then I trip, and land smack dab on my face. It's scary. For those of you who know us well, you know we struggle with certain things…which I'm not going to talk about, but my life is open, so if you want to talk, email me. For those who don't know, we have a completely honest relationship (most times). We freely talk about struggles and failures and everything. We seemed to have it under pretty great control…but then failure came on a cold night in March. It rocked me. The truth was told and it sliced through. My insecurities went ramped and I shut down, and a…

i'm broken today. please pray for me to know GODS will and to learn the things HE needs me to from events that have happened in my life. i don't want to talk about it, but please pray for me.

I'm seriously trying my best NOT to be judgmental or harsh but knowing that Florida gets hit with hurricanes EVERY year, I have to wonder how much sympathy we should be giving to people whose houses have been affected by the storm. Sad, yes. That would suck. But if you move to Florida, wouldn’t you think that there might be an extremely huge possibility that you may have to experience a storm that may affect your house in some way? Every summer we hear about these storms hitting Florida. Almost every year they have declared parts of Florida a disaster to get federal funds. Every year! This storm left hundreds of thousands of people without power, at least five people died and damage estimates range from 1 to 5 billion dollars.

On the way home from work yesterday there was a woman being interviewed from Florida. She said that the mobile home she lives in had it's roof partly torn off from the hurricane. They had just finished repaired the damage from Ivan. They quoted her saying…

So, I have this little problem. I want to be the doer rather than the supplier. I know there's a time for everything and I need to wait for the door to be opened but I want to go now. Don't get me wrong! I get great joy out of supporting people and organizations and I know GOD uses us all differently. Many ministries would never be able to happen without supporters…but I still ache to be the doer. Is that wrong? I feel joyful that the money I give is changing lives but I'd still like to be the person in the heart of Africa giving food or education to a child or on some bus touring around singing to people about GOD's message, even though I can’t sing. Why is the grass always greener on the other side and why can't I find contentment in just where I am. Where I am is where GOD needs me right now. Why is it so hard to see that at times?

My boyfriend rocks. Seriously I have the coolest man around the block. This whole birthday thing was hard for me, which I hate to admit…but ya gotta admit your flaws right??? Yesterday I was embracing the fact that I'm 30 and thought well, lets at least get a few people together for some sushi…little did I know that Steve was planning a surprise party for me. How amazing! Walking into my house, thinking I'm going to change for dinner and having a group of people jump out blowing horns at me was crazy! But it was just what I needed. Seeing everything he had been planning (and scheming!!! The little stinker) was amazing and filled me with such joy I can't even describe. Thank you my friend! It was the best birthday I've had thus far!

Have you ever seen someone so entrapped in their own sin that you can barely see the person they are outside their sin? It's like trying to see the sun on a haze filled day. You know the sun's shining down, and at times you can see the rays breaking through the clouds, but mostly, all you see is haze. This weekend I was able to see the sun through the clouds. I was able to see someone break through their sin and reveal the person GOD wants them to be. It was amazing. I was apprehensive about being around this person because they are so aggressively bossy and things always have to go their way. But they let go of some the sin they're so wrapped up in and allowed their love to shine on through. It was amazing. We are all so trapped at times. To see this breakthrough was such a blessing in my life. Thank you Lord for all the teachings you shower down upon me and for showing me how we all can be clouded by our sins. It's time for us all to let the light shine down upon us.

i wanna run away...

i know.... i'm complaining...but i'm tired of being lied to by friends and coworkers, i'm tired of working a job i hate, i'm sad because i don't know what GOD wants me to do with my life let alone what i wanna do in it...i just feel lost and broken...and i wanna run away.

I'm turning 30 in 6 days. 30!

I want to cry. That's sad I know.

Age doesn't matter…but ya know when you place those dang nabit goals in your life and they don't get met?..it really brings ya down. I hate goals…maybe my 30 year old resolution will be to never set any more goals…hmmm…I wonder if that would work?

30! I'm getting old...

Who would have thought that I would enjoy road biking? Certainly not me. So my legs ache a bit and my knees want to give out every time I stand, my shoulders and biceps hurt, don’t ask me why, and my unmentionablez hurt in areas I never thought could hurt…but, I still had fun. If you don’t know…Steve somehow talked me into a tour called the MS 150. In the winter, I thought no problem, we'll jump on the saddle and bike every weekend and this won't be a problem. OK…so we went to maybe 5 spinning classed this winter and I went on 2 rides this spring…needless to say, I am completely out of shape. But still with every try to escape this tour, Steve encouraged me to go. I thought that maybe I'd strive for 40 miles a day, but I made it 44 the first day and 61 the second and I find myself asking…when do we get to go again. Am I crazy? It was hot and muggy and I can't express to you how many dead animals I not only saw but smelled, I almost fell off my bike twice, which…

By directing an additional ONE percent of the U.S. budget toward providing the most basic needs – and fighting the corruption that wastes precious resources –– we can help transform the futures and hopes of an entire generation in the poorest countries.

With an additional ONE percent of our budget:

•We can help prevent 10 million children from becoming AIDS orphans
•We can help get 104 million children into grade school.
•We can help provide water to almost 900 million people around the globe.
•We can save almost 6.5 million children under 5 from dying of diseases that could be prevented with low-cost measures like vaccination or a well for clean water.
•We can build a better, safer world for all.

ONE percent of the U.S. budget is $25 billion, and redirecting that much money would have to be done over time. Directed to honest governments, private charities and faith-based organizations, this support would provide the tools and resources they need to really make a difference. American support…